Roy Exum
When I started “The Saturday Funnies” over a year ago, I had no idea how popular it would become. I should have known, since the way we have shared funny emails with each other for years. I promise you I get more emails than most and I hated to spoil their journey with my delete key. Seriously, I get hundreds of emails every day and as one who “likes funny, not filthy,” the daily laughs have become a relentless blessing.
For example: This morning I got an urgent notice from ‘the National Weather Service’ to be on the lookout for a wall of tornadoes that could hit Tennessee this Saturday – and suggested the safest shelter may be Neyland Stadium in Knoxville “since they haven’t seen a touchdown there in years.”
With each day, there are some emails that are really good yet don’t fit in “The Saturday Funnies.” Among those I earmarked not long ago was one on enigmas and another on things Omar B. Washington has learned in his life. As I share them, let me add that because my first-of-the-month “Walk In The Garden” will be this Saturday, we’ll have “The Sunday Funnies” this week.
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THE BEST ENIGMAS WE HAVE READ THIS AUGUST
An “enigma” is a word we use to describe “a person or thing that is mysterious, puzzling, or difficult to understand,” according to the dictionary. That understood, here are some of the best that are floating around the Internet this week:
(1) Isn't it weird that in America, our flag and our culture offend so many people, but our benefits don't?
(2) How can the federal government ask U.S. citizens to pay back student loans, when illegal aliens are receiving a free education?
(3) Only in America are legal citizens labeled "racists" and "Nazis," but illegal aliens are called “Dreamers”.
(4) Liberals say, "If confiscating all guns saves just one life, it's worth it.” Well, does it stand to reason that if deporting all illegals would save just one life, wouldn't that be worth it?
(5) I can't quite figure out how you can proudly wave the flag of another country, but consider it punishment to be sent back there.
(6) The Constitution: It doesn't need to be rewritten, it needs to be reread.
(7) William F. Buckley said: "Liberals claim to want to give a hearing to other points of view, and are then shocked and offended when they discover there are other points of view."
(8) Joseph Sobran said: "'Need' now means wanting someone else's money. 'Greed' means wanting to keep your own. 'Compassion' is when a politician arranges the transfer."
(9) Florida has had 119 hurricanes since 1850, but some people still insist the last one was due to climate change.
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THINGS THAT OMAR B. WASHINGTON HAS LEARNED
Some call what Washington wrote poetry while others believe it is a short story. What we can agree is that ‘I’ve Learned’ is absolutely delight and quite true. This has been reprinted countless times in the last 20 years and while there are many examples on Google, for instance, I was unsuccessful in my attempt to learn more about the author, Ober B. Washington. I’d give just about anything to “learn” as much as he has:
I’ve learned -- that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
I’ve learned -- that no matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back.
I’ve learned -- that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
I’ve learned -- that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I’ve learned -- that it’s not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.
I’ve learned -- that you should never ruin an apology with an excuse.
I’ve learned -- that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you’d better know something.
I’ve learned -- that you shouldn’t compare yourself to the best others can do.
I’ve learned -- that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I’ve learned -- that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I’ve learned -- that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I’ve learned -- that you can keep going long after you can’t.
I’ve learned -- that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I’ve learned -- that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I’ve learned -- that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
I’ve learned -- that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I’ve learned -- that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I’ve learned -- that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I’ve learned -- that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones to help you get back up.
I’ve learned -- that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry … but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.
I’ve learned -- that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I’ve learned -- that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.
I’ve learned -- that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.
I’ve learned -- that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.
I’ve learned -- that your family won’t always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren’t related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren’t biological.
I’ve learned -- that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself.
I’ve learned -- that no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn’t stop for your grief.
I’ve learned -- that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I’ve learned -- that a rich person is not the one who has the most, but is one who needs the least.
I’ve learned -- that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.
I’ve learned -- that we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I’ve learned -- that you shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I’ve learned -- that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I’ve learned -- that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.
I’ve learned -- that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
I’ve learned -- that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I’ve learned -- that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
I’ve learned -- that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people’s feelings, and standing up for what you believe.
I’ve learned -- that people will forget what you said, and people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
royexum@aol.com