by Roy Exum
posted April 29, 2008
 Roy Exum |
Say what you will, but the huge industrial park out Bonny Oaks way has been a tremendous boondoggle from where I stand. The only good that’s come of the place are the wild turkeys that roam around out there and our people need the thousands of jobs a huge automobile manufacturing plant will require worse than Atlanta needs water.
Now in case you caught the late bus the word has come down the Germans quickly need a plant in the South to make more cars. It is also pretty widely known Tennessee is on the short list so what I am saying is that we ought to do the best land swap since the Indians sold Manhattan in order to get VW’s business.
I know there are a lot of people, their palms outstretched, who will blanch at the idea because a small percentage of only one dollar comes in copper, but when you think about where we are going next, it is going to take a pretty bold offer for us to lure anybody to a city where only three out of four graduate from public high schools and then some of the grads aren't the sharpest pencils in the drawer, if you know what I mean.
I really believe if we are crafty, and make each tour of our town where we show "the Volks" only a very carefully-planned route, we might have a chance. The key thing, and this is crucial, is that we need to start with a hand-picked and very well-schooled host committee.
If we get a politically-appointed dope in the mix, and the yahoo starts using words like “Combustion” or “union” or wants to drive by the shell that was DuPont in its heyday, we’ll never recover the cost of the diesel fuel it took to run the bus. When the VW people wonder where all of our industry is, the answer is simply, "We are very selective and we've been waiting for you!"
We can show them the river – all the water they want – but when they marvel at our splendid Riverwalk, don’t dare tell them what we winded up paying for it or they’ll see the hayseed. I mean we got to have the right kind of glib seducing these people. When you play for big chips, don't wear denim.
These Germans are business people. For instance, if they found out some clowns paid $75,000 for mile-markers on the Riverwalk to replace the other mile-markers that we already had in place… well, that that might make ‘em a little tense. The right kind of salesmanship is key.
Instead, we can show them the beautiful access to I-75, but not before we take down the ridiculous 55 mile-per-hour speed limit signs around it on I-75 because these types like to go from second-gear to third in a hurry. It is vital to think this stuff out before these people get here.
Of course, the Aquarium and Coolidge Park are where we ought to have a picnic, but, as with all else, it’ll take some preparation. In Europe, for example, they love open spaces so we’ll have to put “a coat of D-9” on the parking areas on both sides of the river.
D-9? That’s as in “Caterpillar” and is where you take a great big one and bulldoze down the parking vendors in all the lots where people gather. Don’t ever let them know we don’t allow our people to visit what their tax dollars paid for without making them pay to park. It’s just wrong and say what you want, but we can’t let the VW folks know we are as stupid as a herd of cows for ever allowing that to happen. Are you kiddin' me?
We’ve also got a problem with our utilities. Nobody knows much about the Chattanooga Gas Company anymore because all the telephone books say “Preservation Drive”, but the main office actually is out near Shallowford Road. Don’t bother going out there because you can’t pay your bill once you are there; you must mail it to somewhere in Illinois where there aren't many mail trucks. Somebody said the owners stay somewhere down in Atlanta, but that's only hearsay. Call and you speak to a guy in India or somewhere. Listen, the Germans find out we go along with stuff that blatant from a public utility and we’ll sink faster than the Bismarck.
The Electric Power Board is even worse. Oh, they are touting the new broadband deal – which we sorely need – but nowadays they spend most of the time sending “Harold’s Henchmen,” as they are called, all over town snipping anyone’s wire who’s 14 days past due. Somebody said the people of this city actually own the EPB, but who wants neighbors like that! If the VW people find out the real skinny on the real EPB – poof! - they'll flag us quicker than Toyota did.
Another thing: make everybody swear they won’t mention Baylor, McCallie or GPS. We’ve got some puffed chests who think that’s good for business when, in fact, it’s just the opposite. Trust me, a mega company wants to know where all of the rank-and-file’s kids are going to school and the great majority can’t afford $20-grand a year so please don’t mention the preppies.
Instead, we’ll have to build a new high school like Signal Mountain’s, but, hey, we’ve got time because they have to build the plant, right? As long as the architects and builders don’t squabble and we can get around the “No Child Left Behind” fiasco we can get it done.
The way I figure it is that a couple of new schools are the easiest way to dilute the Hixson and Tyner horrors that are too nearby. It might well be we should also exempt it from the school board’s control because that’s turned out to be worse than fire ants. On a positive note, we could call the sports teams the "Bugs," which is not only kind of catchy but also a headline writer's dream.
In the end we’ll have to throw in a concession that the Hamilton County Department of Education will also be off-limits, but the trade-off is the system has some absolutely brilliant teachers who are as fed up with the leadership as the rest of us. But this way the VW school can pick and choose an all-star faculty. Still, I believe we can do it.
You see, if we bait the hook with the land and then throw in a new high-school building that will be only for employees’ kids, the VW people will even have a hand in running the school and, when some errant child pulls a girl’s top down or blows up a garbage can, the kid’s expelled, the daddy’s fired and – presto – case closed.
I’ve got the whole thing figured out, but it hinges on some smooth talkers, some sharp salesmen and a plan that will rival the Normandy Invasion, but, for God’s sake, let’s not talk about World War II ... and don't dare mention the TNT plant because that's also a little dicey.
So, if we eliminate a lot of our own foils real early – prune our own tree so to speak – we’ll all win so let’s cast the bait with the land, all of it, for only a dollar. Give them the land, schools they can govern, and whatever else it takes to do the deal.
And I’m so thirsty for some action I would give VW a buck if they’d buy it.
royexum@aol.com
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