by Roy Exum
posted September 1, 2008
 Roy Exum |
But when my mail came the other day, there was a letter from Post Office Box 2547 in the suburb of Atlanta that had a computer-like picture of my truck and demanded that I mail $50 to some slick-talking slime-ball who has somehow convinced the city of Chattanooga to be part of the biggest scam I’ve ever heard.
About half of the one-page notice was in Spanish, but the part I could read alleged my truck was on “3000 NB Broad Street” at 12:27 p.m. on Aug. 18 and that it was purportedly going 46 mph in a 35 mph zone. The notice had no name anywhere on it except a printed signature that was totally illegible with the description “ID No. 605.”
So as I wonder how on earth “ID No. 605” can sleep at night after being part of some authoritarian state the novelist George Orwell once warned us about in his novel “1984,” I am more ashamed of the sitting mayor and the Chattanooga City Council for being party to such a travesty as this. Each of them needs to read Orwell’s other book, “Animal House,” because if ever a revolt looked like it was coming, it is going to be soon.
I say impeach ‘em all with the proviso each must move at least 500 miles from here within 30 days or else be treated as “carpet baggers” were following the Civil War. Bring out the tar and feathers, baby. I’m serious, outside of a very select three or four, I can’t name one politician on the City Council or County Commission who would put me ahead of a dollar. You just think about it for a minute.
Obviously the camera scam is a “low-hanging fruit” kind of deal where the picking is easy. The “action” is really quite simple: go out in the street, take a bunch of pictures of cars, and then present them to “ID 605” whose beady little eyes are so squinted from double-dipped Krispy Kremes he could care less.
Then knowing almost none of us possibly remember what was going on at 12:27 p.m. on Aug. 18 and fewer still will challenge it, they get some shady underlings to track the license tags and, for the total cost of I bet less than a buck, they mail you, your neighbors and apparently a bunch of Hispanics these letters. How do you like a 50-to-1 payout, even if you have to give ole slime-ball in Norcross a healthy cut?
It is shameful, but, much worse, it is wrong. To patrol streets with a camera is one step away from using Google Land’s satellite to watch your every move. But when the election-day “glad-handers” come around next time, you remember that not one of them who were part-and-parcel to this kind of thing is your friend.
Now, if you like this stuff, and giggle when the camera’s “big eye” nabs some poor mother of three making a rolling stop in Red Bank, you need to get in on the action because the possibilities are endless. No matter what the cost is of putting a satellite high in the sky, can you imagine the plunder if you could get the franchise on Australia? Heck, just the rights to Paris would more than send a kid to McCallie. Out-source the research to Bangladesh, use recycled paper and – presto - you’re wintering in the Bahamas.
Moreover, we could make “bonus bucks” with our “Big Eye in the Sky.” I mean, soon we’d know where City Council members really spent the night. There would be no rumors, no argument. You could also claim you were just trying to be righteous in expanding this game of “Gotcha’.” Trust me, it’s a no-brainer if you are actually able to sleep after treating people that way.
Can you imagine the board of directors? I’m talking about the biggest con men who ever walked the earth are kind of bored these days in prison and I’ll promise dudes like WorldCom’s Bernie Ebbers or Tyco’s Dennis Kozlowski could put some polish on the ole apple, even if does have to be by mail and in pencil.
The Norcross shadies have this righteousness down to a tee. You know what their website is if you need more convincing? It is www.chattdrivessafe.com. My goodness, if that doesn’t give you gall stones you need to get yourself back in church on Sunday. Puh-leeze, a shyster in Norcross could care less about how we drive in Chattanooga. He ought to apply for the domain name, www.youstupidsucker.com.
Before I mail a dime to some post office box in Norcross, you can bet the amount of the ticket I’ll seek out a City Court judge and we’ll talk face to face. Oh, I understand. I know all of our judges are lawyers, deep down inside, and that they adore “Rule No. 1,” which is “How I Get Paid” for those who haven’t been to law school.
Honestly, I am really saddened by all of this. There is something that smacks of the dark side when you get a photo of your truck in the mail with the threat of jail or something if you don’t pay immediately. It sticks so badly that, if it were up to me, those money-grubbers who came up with this scheme ought to be forced to use Post Office 666 down in Norcross.
As a matter of fact, if I ever go near the suburb of Atlanta I’m not stopping in crummy Norcross because it obviously has a good share of thieves, swindlers, con men, and other such ilk. Each of them probably wears a camera around their neck, too.
And, what’s worst of all, our police department has moved in so tightly the bums have even gotten permission to use the city of Chattanooga seal itself on the same envelope with the Norcross address! Try to explain that to the Volkswagen people!
royexum@aol.com
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