I am constantly amazed by the many emails that I receive every day. Quite curiously, I get a heavier load than I would ever have thought because the big search engines on the Internet send my Chattanoogan.com stories far and wide. Even the local ones on the Chattanooga area bring comments and I am deeply flattered. I try to read them and lament I haven’t the time to respond the way I was taught.
During the week, I am regaled by the really funny stories people share and I adore ones that are funny, but not filthy. Several weeks ago I decided to see if I could package up some of them on Saturdays because it seems to me nothing on earth is as sad as a funny story when there is no one to laugh.
So please bear with me as we swing into July and August because I have found our readers enjoy the Saturday Funnies.
If you come across a story that makes you laugh so hard that water squirts out of your eyes, there are a lot of people besides me who would love it if you’ll share them with me (firstname.lastname@example.org
) Oh, true stories are the ones we love the most.
Here is this week’s collection of the Saturday Funnies:
* * *
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU ARE OLD & HELPLESS
George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"
George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Don't mess with old people
* * *
ALL ABOUT AN FHA LOAN IN LOUISIANA
Part of rebuilding New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina (August 29, 2005) caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership.
Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the Federal Housing Administration (FHA) on behalf of a client:
The lawyer was attempting to secure a FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:
The actual reply from FHA: "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Duly annoyed, the lawyer decided to have some fun. You’ll adore this response:
"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application. I was unaware any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
“For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella. The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus's expedition.
“Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume God also made the part of the world called Louisiana. God; therefore, would be the Owner of Origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?"
The loan was immediately approved.
* * *
A RESPONSIBLE DOCTOR SHOULD NEVER TREAT HIS OWN FAMILY
An elderly gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...”
* * *
HOW WE ARE GETTING BY ON MUCH LESS
At a time when so many want more, take a hard look at how we are actually getting by with less. And, yes, this is ‘price-less:’
* -- Our Phones – Wireless
* -- Our Cooking – Fireless
* -- Our Cars – Keyless
* -- Our Food – Fatless
* -- Our Tires –Tubeless
* -- Our Dress – Sleeveless
* -- Our Youth - Jobless
* -- Our Leaders – Shameless
* -- Our Relationships – Meaningless
* -- Our Attitudes – Careless
* -- Our Babies – Fatherless
* -- Our Feelings - Heartless
* -- Our Education – Valueless
* -- Our Children – Mannerless
We are-SPEECHLESS, Government is CLUELESS, and our Politicians are WORTHLESS
* * *
WHY SISTER MARY LEFT THE MONASTERY OF SILENCE
Sister Mary entered the Monastery of Silence: The Main Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so.'
Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'
Sister Mary said 'Hard bed.'
'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'
After another 5 years, Sister Mary was summoned by the Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary.'
'Cold food,' said Sister Mary, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary in to his office. 'You may say two words today.'
'I quit,' said Sister Mary.
'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've ain’t done nothing but whine since you got here.”
* * *
Whenever you get disgruntled and wish you could go back in time and start all over, the feeling will vanish the very moment you recall algebra.