It is said that a 15-year-old in Minnesota, where just like the rest of the United States prayer in schools is prohibited, was tasked with writing an essay. He turned in his paper and, as it was returned with an A-plus, it is only fitting that something this clever should begin this week’s edition of The Saturday Funnies.
Those who enjoy the Funnies understand that I am only the messenger. I get many wonderful emails from like-minded humor lovers every week and almost all of the tales are unattributed.
It is not my problem where these originated but my goal is to add a little merriment to your weekend:
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THE ‘NEW’ SCHOOL PRAYER
[NOTE: at 8:06 last Saturday in Hawaii, a chilling message went out that a ballistic missile was headed toward the island. Some 38 minutes later it was announced it had been sent in error but reports reveal churches were packed and overflowing in the islands last weekend. This is typical of human beings when nothing but families matter – just so you’ll know.]
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the State.
We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's 'inappropriate' to teach right from wrong.
We're taught that such 'judgments' do not belong.
We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.
It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
* * *
15 QUESTIONS FROM THE COLLEGE OF FREE THOUGHT
1. Since only 10 million people have ObamaCare, how will 24 million people die if it is repealed? Will 14 million people be randomly shot?
2. If Donald Trump deleted all of his emails, wiped his server with bleach and destroyed all of his phones with a hammer, would the Liberal Media suddenly lose all interest in the story and declare him innocent?
3. If women do the same job for less money, why do companies hire men to do the same job for more money?
4. If you rob a bank in a Sanctuary City, is it illegal or is it just an Undocumented Withdrawal?
5. Each ISIS attack now is a reaction to Trump policies, but all ISIS attacks during Obama's term were due to Climate Change and a plea for jobs.
6. After the London 'Lone Wolf' terrorist attack government officials have arrested at least eight other 'Lone Wolves' who had conspired with the original 'Lone Wolf' in planning the 'Lone Wolf' attack. Even though all involved are Muslims, you can be assured, the 'Lone Wolf’ attack has nothing at all to do with Islam, just like the other 1,000- plus 'Lone Wolf' attacks by Muslims are completely unassociated with Islam.
7. We should stop calling them all 'Entitlements'. Welfare, Food, Stamps, WIC, are not entitlements. They are taxpayer-funded handouts, and shouldn't be called entitlements at all. Social Security and Veterans Benefits are Entitlements because the people receiving them are entitled to them. Since they were earned and paid for by the recipients that is hardly an entitlement, no?
8. If Muslims want to run away from a Muslim country, does that mean they're Islamophobic?
9. If Liberals don't believe in biological gender then why did they march for women's rights?
10. How did the Russians get Debbie Wasserman Schultz and the DNC to steal the Primary from Bernie Sanders? How did Russia get Donna Brazile to leak debate questions to Hillary Clinton in advance of the debates?
11. Why is it that Democrats think Super-delegates are fine, but they have a problem with the Electoral College?
12. If you don't want the FBI involved in elections, don't nominate someone who's being investigated by the FBI.
13. If Hillary's speeches cost $250,000 an hour, how come no one shows up to her free ones?
14. The DNC is mad at Russia because they 'think' they were trying to manipulate our election by exposing that the DNC was manipulating our election?
15. Why is it that Liberals and the Media are upset about the words Trump used 11 years ago but they are all right with adult men using the Ladies Room with your wife and children?
* * * ACTUAL COMMENTS BY TEACHERS ON REPORT CARDS
[NOTE: These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in a public-school system somewhere (not Hamilton County.) All teachers were officially reprimanded.]
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
ACTUAL COMMENTS MADE BY POLICE OFFICERS TO OFFENDERS
[NOTE: These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police-car videos around the country:]
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Center)
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
… AND THE ONE JUDGED AS BEST …
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.”
* * *
WHAT LIFE IS REALLY ALL ABOUT
The pastor stood before his packed congregation with a sense of urgency. “Over the years” he said, “I’ve been asked a lot of questions, but the one that I hear most often is the one I want to answer for you today., and that’s what life is all about.”
You see the meaning of life goes all the way back to the very first day, when God was creating all the animals; after making each animal he gave them instructions on how it would use its life to serve humankind, and gave each animal a lifespan comparable to the difficulty of its duties.
The first animal that God created was the dog, and he told the dog that his job was to spend all of its days sitting by the front door of its house and barking at every living thing which passed by: “for this” God said, “you will be granted a twenty years of life.”
But the dog was not content with what he had been given… “I appreciate this gift of life but twenty years is an awful long time for such a simple and monotonous life, don’t you think? Why don’t you give me just ten years to live and I’ll give you back the other ten?” And God saw the dog’s point of view and he agreed to its terms.
And the next animal that God gave form was the monkey, and he said unto the monkey, “You will entertain man with your tricks and silliness, and in exchange for making humanity laugh I will also reward you with twenty years of life.”
But the monkey had heard God’s offer to the dog and it too wasn’t content. “God, I don’t mean to be ungrateful or anything, but I think that after performing the same routine for twenty years that the joke would quickly wear thin. I listened to the deal that you gave to the dog and I kind of think I’d like the same thing: how about you give me ten years to live and in exchange you can have the other ten back?”
Out of love and fairness, God agreed. The next animal that God breathed life into was the cow, and God said unto the cow, “You have one of the most important jobs of all animal life; you must work with man in the field and the blazing hot sun, you must bear calves, and you must provide milk to the farmers so that they may quench their family’s thirst, and in exchange for this crucial job I shall grant you sixty years of life.”
But the cow was also not content with God’s generous offer. “You bless me God, truly, but that kind of sounds like a tough life to manage for sixty years. I’ve got to be honest: I’m not even sure I’d still be able to make milk after year twenty. How about I keep twenty of the years and I’ll give the other forty back to you?”
And God saw the plight of the cow and so he gave it mercy. As you all know God created human kind, and when he did he told us how we were meant to live. “Go forth and enjoy life’s pleasures; feast, rest, love, wed, frolic, and chase your wildest dreams; do this and I will give you twenty beautiful years to live your life to the fullest.”
But human kind was not content with God’s gracious offer. “Only twenty years?” Humanity cried. “How could I enjoy all the beauty of your creation in such a short amount of time? Couldn’t you possibly give me a bit longer? How about you also give me all the unwanted years of the other animals: then I could live eighty years in the pursuit of happiness.”
And so God grinned and replied, “All right… you’ll get what you asked for.”
And that, my friends, is why we play, eat, and sleep for the first twenty years of our life.
We spend the next forty years of our life working ourselves to the bone to provide for our loved ones. Then we spend ten years entertaining our grandkids like a monkey. And in the last ten years of our life we sit on our front porch: barking at everyone we can.
That is truly what life is all about.