Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, October 13, 2018
Roy Exum
Roy Exum
I don’t know if this will work or not, but you may remember I didn’t know if The Saturday Funnies would work out either when we started over a year ago. The truth is many people now agree The Saturday Funnies are the best thing I write, knowing I don’t write a one of them. They are sent in throughout each week in emails from people from all over. I just gather them up and share them because I am convinced laughter is one of life’s daily essentials. 
That brings us to today’s “first step” because I believe the time has come for us to add “The Funny Video of the Week.” I get too many funny ones not to include one each week and, when my longtime cohort Jim Ashley shared one that has to be among the finalists for Halloween Costume of the Year, I laughed so hard until I was certain the time has arrived to add a new dimension to The Saturday Funnies.
So please CLICK HERE.
We’ll start this week with a bit of inspiration you’ll want to take to Sunday School before we get into the giggles…
* * *
THE NEXT TIME YOU FEEL GOD CAN’T USE YOU FOR HIS PURPOSE, REMEMBER …
Noah was a drunk.
Abraham was too old.
Isaac was a daydreamer.
Jacob was a liar.
Joseph was abused.
Moses had a stuttering problem.
Gideon was afraid.
Samson had long hair and was a womanizer.
Rehab was a prostitute.
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young.
David had an affair and was a murderer.
Elijah was suicidal
Jonah ran from God.
Naomi was a widow.
Job went bankrupt.
Peter denied Christ.
The Disciples fell asleep while praying.
Martha worried about everything.
The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once.
Zaccheus was too small.
Paul was too religious.
Timothy had an ulcer.
Now!  No more excuses!  God can use you to your full potential.  Besides you aren’t the message, you are just the messenger.  In the circle of God’s love, God is waiting to use your full potential.
* * *
LAWYER RULE: NEVER ASK A QUESTION UNLESS YOU ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster.  He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge, pounding his gavel to restore order, called on both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
* * *
AND THEN THERE WAS OL’ BUTCH, THE ROOSTER
Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.  She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.  Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.  Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report just by listening to the bells.
Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a fine specimen but this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming would run for cover.
To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.  He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize", they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.  Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on the planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
Vote carefully in the November election and, remember, you can't always hear the bells.
* * *
HOW MANY ZEROES IN A BILLION?
The next time you hear a politician use the Word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money. A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.
* -- A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
* -- A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
* -- A billion hours ago our ancestors were Living in the Stone Age.
* -- A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
* -- A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, this at the rate our government is spending it.
While this thought is still fresh... let's take a look at New Orleans …
It's amazing what you can learn with some simple math:
Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D), Is presently asking Congress for 250 BILLION DOLLARS To rebuild New Orleans.
Interesting number... What does it mean?
* -- Well ... If you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman, and child) You each get $516,528.00
* -- Or... If you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans, your home gets $1,329,787.00
* -- Or... If you are a family of four... Your family gets $2,066,012.00
Hello Washington: Are all your calculators broken??
Or maybe they are too old and don’t have enough digits in them.
Now, consider the following taxes …
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
(Fed) Federal Unemployment Tax
(FU TA) Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
(And to think, we left British Rule to avoid so many taxes)
DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago... And our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt…
We had the largest middle class in the world…
And Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What happened?
Can you spell 'politicians!’ And I still have to Press '1' For English.
I hope this goes around the U S at least 100 times
What the hell happened?????
Oh, by the way, there are and have always been nine (9) zeroes in a billion.
* * *
LET’S TAKE A LOOK AT THE WAY WE LOOK AT THINGS
Today was the absolute worst day ever
And don't try to convince me that
There's something good in every day
Because, when you take a closer look,
This world is a pretty evil place.
Even if
Some goodness does shine through once in a while
Satisfaction and happiness don't last.
And it's not true that
It's all in the mind and heart
Because
True happiness can be attained
Only if one's surroundings are good
It's not true that good exists
I'm sure you can agree that
The reality
Creates
My attitude
It's all beyond my control
And you'll never in a million years hear me say
Today was a very good day
Now read the same thing but from the bottom to the top -- perception really is everything!
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ONLY PLAY GOLF EVERY TEN YEARS
Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to Michigan, the other to Florida.  They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach to play golf.
At age 30, they finish their round of golf and go to lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big chests, and the tight shorts, and the legs ..."
"OK."
Ten years later at age 40 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters.
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little betting action on the games."
"OK."
Ten years later at age 50 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking."
"OK."
At age 60 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price"
"OK"
At age 70 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door."
"OK."
At age 80 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"We've never been there before"
 * * *
“Everyone is in favor of free speech.  Hardly a day passes without it being extolled, but some people’s idea of it is that they are free to say what they like, but if anyone else says anything back, that is an outrage.” -- Winston Churchill----

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Chuck Fleischmann Thanks The Voters


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Opinion

Roy Exum: ‘Easy Eddie’ & Butch

Not an hour’s drive from where I now sit is one of the best restaurants in all of Tennessee. Its been some years since I last ate supper at High Point, a legendary mansion restored to elegance by the current owners but, back in the ‘60s, I got a wide-eyed teenager’s peek at the place one Sunday afternoon. What’s this? 14-inch walls filled with sand to stop a G-man’s bullet? Escape ... (click for more)

Roy Exum: ‘Pete, Never Forget’

Sometimes I don’t tend to myself quite like I should. Think of it as a bad habit. So last week I took some time away from the computer, away from my morning readings and newspapers and TV, so I could tap my reset button. Things happen when you get old and some of them aren’t good. Thank goodness there is hardly anything today that has no solution if you keep trying and stay in the ... (click for more)

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