Roy Exum: The 2018 Turkey Edition

Sunday, November 18, 2018 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

We are less than a week away from Thanksgiving so today we are going to take a tiny turn away from regular Saturday Funnies to give way to our 2018 Turkey Edition Special. The idea is for this year’s Turkey edition to help you be the first invited for “seconds” in honor and recognition of your marvelous wit.  Actually, this setup is remarkably easy.

Early next week you next begin to memorize/remember some of these gigglers so you can toss them out as the feast continues at Thursday’s groaning table. Believe me, nothing is worse when people walk up to me and demand, “Give me your best joke for this week” – I could never remember a one until a comic tipped me on how the pros seem to never forget their favorite funnies.

Preparation is everything, so to always be ready, here’s what you should do at the beginning of this Thanksgiving week. On a piece of paper small enough to hide in the cup of your hand, write just the “punch lines” of corny jokes about Pilgrims, turkeys, and “gathering together” that you can.

So help me, this memory trick works! Carefully shield your ‘notes’ under the lip of the table and, after you’ve have gotten to know each story, the gag line is the only reminder you need to recall any funny story.

Most readers know I do not write the weekly laughs. My disclaimer is that I merely collect the funny stuff I get over the Internet or find in My Morning Readings. We’ll resume the regular Saturday Funnies next week but here’s some fun to share as we give thanks all week on for our innumerable blessings.

* * *

THE STUFFED TURKEY TRICK (MY FAVORITE)

One year at Thanksgiving, my brothers and I were invited to my sister Jenny's house for the traditional feast.

Knowing how gullible my sister is, we decided to play a practical joke.  My two brothers lured Jenny outside to check out some trees at the bottom of the garden.

As soon as Jenny left I took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, and replaced it with a partridge (a frozen Cornish game hen is better.)  Then I replaced the bird carefully in the oven.

Later, when the turkey was cooked my sister took the bird out of the oven and when it had rested she started to carve it. Then she decided to add the stuffing.  Much to her amazement she found the partridge.  At this point our mother piped up, "Jenny you've cooked a pregnant bird!"  With this Jenny started to cry.

It took my brothers and I until early evening to convince Jenny that turkeys lay eggs, and don't give birth to live young.

* * *

‘DO THESE TURKEYS GET ANY BIGGER?

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy answered, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

- - -

Big Turkeys and Little Turkeys -- If a big turkey is called a gobbler, what do you call a little turkey? A goblet.

* * *

THE BUTCHER AND THE LAST SCRAWNY TURKEY

It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door. 'Please let me in, 'says the man desperately. 'I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one.' 'Okay, 'says the butcher.' Let me see what I have left.' He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's one last scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man. 'That's one is too skinny. What else you got?' says the man.

The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man. 'Oh, no, 'says the man, 'That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!'

* * *

PITY THE PARROT FOR HIS CUSSING

Martha had a parrot called Brutus, the only problem was that Brutus cussed something awful.  Now Martha was having her in-laws over for Thanksgiving, and so she needed to train Brutus quickly not to swear. Just before her Mother-in-law was due Brutus cussed terribly, so Martha but him in the freezer for 2 minutes to literally cool off. 

Then she opened the door and took out the parrot along with the turkey. 'And have you learned your lesson about cussing?' Martha asked the parrot. Brutus the parrot took one look at the dead turkey and said: 'I sure have.  But I have a question, "What did the turkey do?" '

* * *

TO TRACK A PILGRIM’S PROGRESS

The Taylors were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had travelled to America with the Pilgrim Fathers on the Mayflower. They had included congressmen, successful entrepreneurs, famous sports people and television stars. 

They decided to research and write a family history, something for their children and grandchildren. They found a specialist genealogist and writer to help them.  Only one problem arose - how to handle Great Uncle Jefferson Taylor who was executed in the electric chair. 

The writer said she could handle the story tactfully. When the book appeared the section about Jefferson read:

“Great Uncle Jefferson Taylor occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, he was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.”

* * *

THE TURKEY WHO PLAYED FOR THE EAGLES

A professional NFL team, the Philadelphia Eagles, had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field.  While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded to be given a chance to play at tight end.

Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, 'You're superb. Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus.'

'Forget the bonus,' replied the turkey, 'What I want to know is, does your season go past Thanksgiving Day?'

* * *

MEMORIES OF A THANKSGIVING IN FRANCE

The first Thanksgiving after moving overseas, I decided to treat my family to a traditional turkey dinner. I went to the closest store, which happened to be French-speaking, and approached the area where a variety of meats were laid out. Not being fluent in French, I looked and tried to determine on my own whether the large poultry breasts I saw were turkey or goose.

The butcher indicated that he was ready to help me. I asked in broken French if he spoke English; he replied, 'No.' I tried again, asking if he spoke German; again, he replied, 'No.'

I pointed at the poultry breasts, then tucked my thumbs in my armpits, flapped my arms, and said, 'Gobble, gobble?' The butcher broke into a smile as he replied, 'Oui.'

* * *

THE TROUBLE THAT COMES WHEN THE TURKEY IS ALIVE

A middle-aged woman, perhaps we will call her Peggy, heard that fresh turkey meat was far superior to that which had been frozen so she set off to her local farm and purchased a fine, plump turkey from the willing farmer.

As the driver took Peg home with her new bird, the new owner could not help but look closely at it. The turkey seemed to be watching her and Peggy felt a chill of horror as she realized that she would have to decapitate it in the morning.

The next day began and – horror of horrors -- Peggy found that she could not chop the bird's head off. So, she seized some ether from the medicine cabinet and put the bird to sleep. As it was dozing, she began to pluck the feathers from its flesh, preparing it for the oven. As the last feather was removed; it is said, that the plump, nude turkey woke up and seeing its state became irate and angry.

The last we heard was that poor old Peggy was last seen being chased around her kitchen by a plump but stark-naked turkey.

* * *

OUR FAVORITE CELEBRITIES RECALL THANKSGIVING

David Letterman: “When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving. But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog.  Only kidding.  It was the cat.”

Rita Rudner: “My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.”

George Carlin: “We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving.  Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing.”

Erma Bombeck: “No One Diets on Thanksgiving.  What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets.  I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?”

Johnny Carson: “Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.”

Reba McEntire: “To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.”

royexum@aol.com


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