All right, this one is on me. I knew what I wanted to suggest in this week’s Saturday Funnies and about mid-afternoon yesterday I crafted a story I think a lot of people will like. As soon as I was done, I put the story “in the can,” which is to say I saved it, and then caught up on my phone messages and chores. A couple of hours later I went to retrieve the story and – zip! nada! No frito! – it had disappeared into thin air.
I then spent the better part of two hours in my computer’s jungle and, just like every time, I was lost with no clue what to do. I have enough jokes now where I can store them in reserve but – my mercy – I’m going out to see my Geek Squad at Christmas Central tomorrow in search for relief. Trust me, we’ll have the story for you but, man, when we start drawing blanks ten days from Christmas, it is not exactly a hearty sign.
As a matter of fact, it reminded me of a time long ago, where we would try to transmit a story to the newspaper office and you would stand on one foot, point like a bird dog and chat like an Aztec dun god in hopes it would work. Lordy me!
* * *
HOW AN ARAB SHIEK WAS ABLE TO CHANGE NATIONALITIES
An Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.
Finally, a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type. After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and $100,000 US dollars in appreciation for the blood donation.
A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a corrective surgery procedure. Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who this time was more than happy to donate his blood.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He then phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be more generous than that - last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and a crappy box of chocolates ?"
To this the Arab replied: " Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins".
* * *
THE FATHER-TO-BE FESSES UP TO HER FOLKS
An 18 year old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting and crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!' The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, an elegant Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath 2 retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami, and a $1,000,000 bank account."
“If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores, and a $25,000,000 bank account.
"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do … what do you suggest?" the man says.
All choked up at this point, the mother, who had remained silent until now, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him ...
"You'll try again, right?"
* * *
THE RABBI PASSES ON A LIFETIME OF ADVICE, AS THEY ARE ABLE TO DO
A man tells a Rabbi: "I have a strong desire to live to eternity."
"Get married," replies the Rabbi.
"Is that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?"
"Not really, but the desire will disappear."
* * *
A DAY OF GOLF THAT THREE GENERATIONS WILL NEVER FORGET
A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.
Naturally, the guys all agreed.
Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."
With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.
All eyes were fastened on her shapely figure as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.
The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said.
The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little."
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole.
The son said, "Holy smokes, lady, you played that perfectly."
The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt." She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.
Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.
For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.
She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.
“If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strathmill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him what a great slow dancer I am to some Sinatra tunes on my patio … under a blanket of stars …”
The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."
Then the father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darling', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."
The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."
The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?”
* * *
THE BET ON WHETHER A MAN WILL JUMP OR NOT
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.
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THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEO
A big group of country music’s best gathered a couple of years ago to cut a promo tape for the 50th CMA awards. Whether you enjoy country music or you hate it … hang with me – this is sensational. At the time nobody would have dreamed it would become one of the most beloved collaborations ever. Oh … and pay careful attention that they included Randy Travis even though he’s not singing any longer. That’s class! Turn your speakers up. Click here.
December 14, 2018