Roy Exum - The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, February 10, 2018 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

It has been said many times and proven often that truth is better than fiction. As I opened my computer’s day early on Friday morning, the first headline I read was: "Effective Immediately – House Bans Sexual Relationships between Lawmakers and Their Staffers." I laughed because, while it’s a little late for that, just the notion is so preposterous it has to be a joke.

But it’s not! House Resolution 724 has already gone into effect that will hopefully quell the sexual misbehaviors of those who represent us in Washington and the children of their best friends who embrace the American Dream. Trust me, not a one of the eight old codgers who have now resigned or announced they aren’t running for re-election due to rampant misbehavior is anything close to the American Dream.

Many, many years ago I overheard a conversation between two single girls – I vividly remember this – where one asked the other if she had ever had a relationship with a much older person. The girl said she had not and then her friend offered the tip: "Older people can make a romantic moment last for a real long time."

At that, the other girl squealed as though she had just seen a ghost and gushed, "Ewwwwwww, who wants to kiss somebody really old for a really long time!!"

So help me that’s a true story. I can’t say the same for other things you’ll find in the Saturday Funnies …. I just gather them during the week so we can giggle at the end of every week. I have no idea who writes these but I’ll hope you will find them every bit as funny as I have:

* * *

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.

He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bible

2. A silver dollar

3. A bottle of whiskey

4. A Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up."

"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man and that would be okay, too.

"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."

* * *

EVER WONDERED WHAT HILLARY MIGHT DO IN ISRAEL?

Hillary Clinton goes on a trip to Israel. While she is on a tour of Jerusalem she suffers a heart attack and dies.

The undertaker tells the Americans accompanying her, "You can have her shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land for just $100."

The Americans go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. They return with their answer to the undertaker and tell him they want Hillary shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $50,000 to ship her home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?

The American diplomats reply, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.

* * *

WHAT GENDER IS YOUR COMPUTER ?

An enterprising Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine gender. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' But 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and,

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and,

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

* * *

"The most wasted of all days is one without laughter." – e.e. cummings

royexum@aol.com


Being Unsportsmanlike Is Intolerable

Hoping Jeff Styles Ends Up Back On The Air

Forgotten


During the UT Vols vs. Missouri game Saturday UT's quarterback was seriously injured by Missouri linebacker Tavon Ross. Football is a rough sport and injuries frequently occur. Being unsportsmanlike ... (click for more)

Started listening to talk radio in 1992 and through the years tuned a lot of my co-workers and friends into a great way to start the day. Hated what happened this summer but still tuned into ... (click for more)

Nov. 10, 2018, the 243rd anniversary of Captain Samuel Nicholas appointing Robert Mullan chief Marine Recruiter at Tun Tavern in Philadelphia. Then Veterans Day, but Elvis and I were on the patch. ... (click for more)


Opinion

Being Unsportsmanlike Is Intolerable

During the UT Vols vs. Missouri game Saturday UT's quarterback was seriously injured by Missouri linebacker Tavon Ross. Football is a rough sport and injuries frequently occur. Being unsportsmanlike is not tolerable. Travon Ross was ejected from the game and in an act of defiance or ego, he raised his arms and fists like he was something special as he left the field. That ... (click for more)

Hoping Jeff Styles Ends Up Back On The Air

Started listening to talk radio in 1992 and through the years tuned a lot of my co-workers and friends into a great way to start the day. Hated what happened this summer but still tuned into the morning show and then slowly, completely tuned out. It was just plain boring.....every week or so would check back but no change. All nice guys, but three straight men with no lead man. ... (click for more)

Breaking News

Truck Driver Charged In Death Of Another Truck Driver In Head-On Crash Near Trenton

A tractor-trailer driver from Pennsylvania was charged on Friday in the death of another truck driver. The Dade County Sheriff's Office said Gustavo Rodriguez-Pagan was driving on Interstate 59 near Trenton when a head-on crash occurred. His vehicle crossed the median and struck another tractor-trailer. Authorities said they found Rodriguez-Pagan walking around the accident ... (click for more)

Girl Injured In 5-Vehicle Crash On I-24 Near Wildwood Exit

A young girl was critically injured in a five-car crash on I-24 in Dade County on Saturday. The accident was near Exit 169 at Wildwood. Authorities said a roll-back tow truck that was hauling two vehicles struck a van with a family inside. The van then struck three other vehicles. The wreck happened just before noon. The girl was found unresponsive in the van. (click for more)

Sports

Lee Women Advance To NCAA Division II Final Four

Lauren Weimer headed home the decisive goal and Taylor Green made clutch save after clutch save to continue a magical run for the Lee women's soccer team as it knocked off No. 3 Columbus State, 1-0 on Sunday afternoon at the Lee Soccer Field to punch its ticket to the NCAA D2 Women's Soccer Final Four. Anna Lanter made a run down the sidelines and delivered a beautiful ball ... (click for more)

Mocs Drop 63-42 Loss To Southwest Missouri

The Chattanooga Mocs had a hard time finding the bottom of the net in a 63-42 loss to Southeast Missouri in the Goldie & Herman Ungar Classic. The Mocs were limited to less than 30 percent shooting for the second consecutive night at the Mitchell Center. Jerry Johnson, Jr., led Chattanooga with 12 points. Jonathan Dalton and Ledarrius Brewer pace the Redhawks with 15 and ... (click for more)