It has been said many times and proven often that truth is better than fiction. As I opened my computer’s day early on Friday morning, the first headline I read was: "Effective Immediately – House Bans Sexual Relationships between Lawmakers and Their Staffers." I laughed because, while it’s a little late for that, just the notion is so preposterous it has to be a joke.
But it’s not! House Resolution 724 has already gone into effect that will hopefully quell the sexual misbehaviors of those who represent us in Washington and the children of their best friends who embrace the American Dream. Trust me, not a one of the eight old codgers who have now resigned or announced they aren’t running for re-election due to rampant misbehavior is anything close to the American Dream.
Many, many years ago I overheard a conversation between two single girls – I vividly remember this – where one asked the other if she had ever had a relationship with a much older person. The girl said she had not and then her friend offered the tip: "Older people can make a romantic moment last for a real long time."
At that, the other girl squealed as though she had just seen a ghost and gushed, "Ewwwwwww, who wants to kiss somebody really old for a really long time!!"
So help me that’s a true story. I can’t say the same for other things you’ll find in the Saturday Funnies …. I just gather them during the week so we can giggle at the end of every week. I have no idea who writes these but I’ll hope you will find them every bit as funny as I have:
* * *
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.
He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
1. A Bible
2. A silver dollar
3. A bottle of whiskey
4. A Playboy magazine.
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up."
"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man and that would be okay, too.
"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."
* * *
EVER WONDERED WHAT HILLARY MIGHT DO IN ISRAEL?
Hillary Clinton goes on a trip to Israel. While she is on a tour of Jerusalem she suffers a heart attack and dies.
The undertaker tells the Americans accompanying her, "You can have her shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land for just $100."
The Americans go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. They return with their answer to the undertaker and tell him they want Hillary shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $50,000 to ship her home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?
The American diplomats reply, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.
* * *
WHAT GENDER IS YOUR COMPUTER ?
An enterprising Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine gender. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' But 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and,
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and,
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
* * *
"The most wasted of all days is one without laughter." – e.e. cummings