Roy Exum: The Sunday Funnies

Sunday, September 2, 2018
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

As the love of Labor Day gives you an extra day to enjoy the start of September, rejoice that there has been no “off day” for the funnies that cross my desk. This rare edition of “The Sunday Funnies,” which we usually share on Saturday, will hopefully add some laughter and joy to your extended weekend and the beginning of fall.

Kindly remember, I do not write the ‘funnies’ but rather collect them to share on the weekends. Most often I copy them word for word but, when I must, I try to clean them up a touch, as you’ll notice in a wonderful story about a motorcycle cop:

* * *

OH, PLEASE! YOU GOTTA’ LOVE THIS COP!

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.

He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an (expletive)!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

"Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.”

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for (expletive)?"

“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”

How often can one get an attorney to incriminate his own client?

Priceless!

* * *

THE COLLEGE EXAM THAT LEFT THE PROFESSOR GUESSING

The biology professor had just finished a long unit on the birds of North America.  His lectures, and the textbook, had covered the distinguishing characteristics of at least a hundred different native birds. Then came the examination.

The exam, his surprised students discovered, consisted of dozens of photos of birds' feet and legs.  The students' task, of course, was simply to identify each of the different birds represented.

At the end of the hour one poor fellow, exasperated beyond hope, cursed mightily, leapt from his chair, stuffed his exam paper in the middle of the stack on the teacher's desk, and headed for the door.

The shocked professor hollered at him, "You, Sir!  What is your name?"

The kid still had his wits about him.  He turned to face the teacher, pulled his slacks up to his knees, and yelled back, "You guess!"

* * *

A much more reasonable final examination consisted of a single word that the philosophy professor wrote on the blackboard:

“WHY?”

The top two grades were given for these answers:

“Why not?”

And, “Because!

* * *

A MOST UNUSUAL FUNERAL PROCESSION

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.  A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.  Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.  Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity.  He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said... "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this.  Who’s funeral, is it?"

"My wife's."

“What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

“My mother-in-law.  She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."

It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood.  Silence passed between the two men.

The Jewish man then asked... "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man replied, "Get in line."

* * *

AN ANNUAL REVIEW OF ‘MURPHY’S LAWS’

1. THE LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR -- After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. THE LAW OF GRAVITY -- Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. THE LAW OF PROBABILITY -- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. THE LAW OF RANDOM NUMBERS -- If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5. THE VARIATION LAW -- If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

6. THE LAW OF THE BATH -- When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7. THE LAW OFCLOSE ENCOUNTERS -- The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

 8. THE LAW OF THE RESULT -- When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it always will.

9. THE LAW OF BIOMECHANICS -- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10. THE LAW OF THEATERS & SPORTS ARENAS -- At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11. THE COFFEE LAW -- As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

 12. THE LAW OF THE LOCKER ROOM -- If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13. THE LAW OF PHYSICAL SURFACES -- The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14. THE LAW OF LOGICAL ARGUMENT -- Anything is possible if, and only if, you don't know what you are talking about.

15. THE LAW OF PYSICAL APPEARANCE -- If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

16. THE LAW OF PUBLIC SPEAKING – A closed mouth gathers no feet.

17. THE LAW OF COMMERCIAL MARKET STRATEGY -- As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it or the store will stop selling it!

 18. THE DOCTORS LAW -- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

* * *

Happy Labor Day, and when you say thanks over barbecue and burgers tomorrow, remember how lucky we are to be part of the greatest work force this world has ever known.

royexum@aol.com


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