Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, September 8, 2018 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

I don’t know if it is because the schools are open or fall is on the way but this week I’ve seen more wooly caterpillars than I can ever remember and my funny mail – seriously – has to be double what it usually is. No, I have no idea what’s UP with caterpillars and why I think this is funny but what a bargain, especially when the little worms are chewy.

So as you settle in for this week’s edition of The Saturday Funnies, we are going to kick it off with a school teacher’s delight. It’s about what’s UP! As you know I am hardly as clever as the person who came UP with the observation about an amazing two-letter word but, as always, I don’t write the Saturday Funnies. I simply harvest what comes from many friends each week and offer the ones I think are funny.

I am kicking today’s edition off with a story about UP and beg that if it reminds you of a favorite teacher, it might cheer as many of the UP that you could share:

* * *

THE MOST AMAZING TWO-LETTER WORD IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

Here’s a fun reminder that one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb and preposition. 

UP. That’s right … the word UP! Really, read this to the end and get a giggle!

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.'  It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv.], [prep.], [adj.], [n] or [v]. 

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?  

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?  Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?  We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.  We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.  

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing:  A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! 

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. 

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP.  When it rains, the earth soaks it UP.  When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP.  One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!

Oh . . . one more thing:  What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?

U  

P!  

Did that one crack you UP? Don't screw UP.  Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book … or not … it's UP to you.  

Now I'll shut UP about the amazing two-letter word you have always taken for granted.!

* * *

I TOLD MY SON, "YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE."

He said, “No."

I told him she is Bill Gates’ daughter.

He said, “Yes.”

I called Bill Gates and said, I want your daughter to marry my son.”

Bill Gates said, “No.”

I told Bill Gates my son is the Chief Operating Officer of the World Bank.”

Bill Gates said, “OK.”

I called the president of World Bank and asked him to make my son CEO.”

He said “No.”

I told him, “Bill Gates is my son-in-law.”

He said, OK.”

And that’s exactly how politics works. Thus began anew the practice of hiring dummies to work in influential positions of government. This practice is unbroken to this date.

* * *

WHY OUR ATHLETES TODAY CANNOT HAVE REGULAR JOBS

It is what it is …

These are authentic quotes.

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: “I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: “I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach some years ago, ordered his players, "You guys line up alphabetically by height."

And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: “That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: “My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt.”

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'

He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: “Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

“In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: “I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, “Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."

* * *

MORE SPORTS QUOTES THAT ARE MY ALL TIME FAVORITES

This is going to date me but I remember laughing hysterically years ago when these quotes were making the rounds. How old are they? Well, Don Meredith, who became such a fixture on Monday Night NFL, played his last game for Dallas in 1996 before he died in 2010. Reggie Jackson, baseball’s beloved Mr. October, is now 72, Paul Hornung played his last game with the Packers in 1966 and Lou Holtz left Arkansas in 1983 but – lordy – these are as funny today as they were back then …

* -- Don Meredith, Dallas Cowboy Quarterback once said: “Coach Tom Landry is such a perfectionist that if he was married to Raquel Welsh, he would expect her to cook.”

* -- Harry Neale, professional hockey coach: "Last year we couldn't win at home and we were losing on the road.  My failure as a coach was that I couldn't think of anyplace else to play.”

* -- Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver: "Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch."

* -- Doug Sanders, professional golfer:  "I'm working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect."

* -- Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers pitcher:  "All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, 'See, there's a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.'"

* -- Tommy LaSorda , L A Dodgers manager: "I found out that it's not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don't care and the other twenty percent are glad I'm having them."

* -- E.J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations: "My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget."

* -- Vic Braden, tennis instructor: "My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play tennis. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren't as good.”

* -- Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles: "I don't know. I only played there for nine years."

* -- John Breen, Houston Oilers: "We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.”

* -- Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to the Atlanta Falcons: "The film looks suspiciously like the game itself."

* -- Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher: “When I'm on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo."

* -- Paul Hornung, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon:  “Because if it didn't work out, I didn't want to blow the whole day."

* -- Lou Holtz , Arkansas football coach:  "I have a lifetime contract. That means I can't be fired during the third quarter if we're ahead and moving the ball."

* -- Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game: "I won't know until my barber tells me on Monday."

* -- Bill Walton, Portland Trail Blazers:  "I learned a long time ago that 'minor surgery' is when they do the operation on someone else, not you"

* -- George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores: "Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash."

royexum@aol.com


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