Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, January 19, 2019 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

It seems there has been quite an increase in calls from telemarketers and I asked my man Cleo if he had any idea how to stop them. “What works if you are male -- Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company." You wait for a second and, with a real husky voice, ask, "What are you wearing?" If you are a female try this: Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

With such knowledge, welcome to this week’s edition of The Saturday Funnies. As you know, I do not write the funnies – instead I gather them among the fun emails I get during the week in the hope you will enjoy them as much as I do … we should never, ever, waste laughter…

* * *

WHY IS IT THAT BRITISH ‘HUMOUR’ IS SO FUNNY?

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

* -- FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old, Hateful little (expletive). Bites!

* -- FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

* -- FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

* -- JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £100.

* -- WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie

* -- FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

* * *

DON’T DARE THINK CHILDREN AREN’T QUICK

* -- TEACHER: Why are you late? STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

* -- TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

* -- TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'; TEACHER: No, that's wrong. GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

* -- TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

* -- TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago WINNIE: Me!

* -- TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

* -- TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?" LOUIS: "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"

* -- TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.

* -- TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.

* -- TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher.

* * *

HOW THE GENIUS SOCRATES OUT-SMARTED HIMSELF

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?”

“Wait a moment,” Socrates replied. “Before you tell me I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Test of Three.”

“Three?”

“That’s right,” Socrates continued. “Before you talk to me about my student let’s take a moment to test what you’re going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”

“Oh no,” the man said, “actually I just heard about it.”

“All right,” said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?”

“No, on the contrary…”

“So,” Socrates interrupted, “you want to tell me something bad about him even though you’re not certain it’s true?”

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. “You may still pass though, because there is a third test – the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?”

“Well it….no, not really…”

“Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?”

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affair with his wife.

* * *

THIS MAY BE THE BEST TV BET EVER!

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 p.m. He sat down next to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

Alexandria looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." Alexandria replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as she placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. She was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."

Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

Alexandria replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Jack took the money. Alexandria went back to work at the U.S. Congress.

* * *

HOW THE STARKVILLE MULE GOT TO BE FAMOUS

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Daily News in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellers, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."       

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We shore can!  Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly  grocery store and asked, "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They're overseeing the Bailout Program.

* * *

* -- Limit all U.S. politicians to three terms -- Two in office and One in prison

* -- Politicians are like a bunch of Bananas … Green the first term, Ripe the second, and Rotten the Third

* * *

THE BEST VIDEO WE HAVE SEEN THIS WEEK

Oh boy! This one’s a classic! And, remember, the dumbest thing anyone can ever say to an authority figure is “Do you know who I am?” CLICK HERE.

royexum@aol.com


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