Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, January 5, 2019 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

Harvey Mackay is one of America’s top motivators and as The Saturday Funnies makes its 2019 debut please think of what he just wrote as more of an idea for this New Year than a formal resolution. We get a great variety of Funnies each week – I do not write them but collect the best ones of the week and share them on Saturday. Harvey’s message was perfectly timed and what a perfect way for his words to accompany the start of 2019.

“I have a challenge for you,” he begins and at the start of his message, he urges each of us, “Stop worrying about that which you cannot control.”

Many years ago, he continues, this advice came from Robert Jones Burdette, an American humorist and clergyman: “There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept from fear and apprehension.”

One of these days is Yesterday with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. All the money in the world cannot bring back Yesterday. We cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone.

The other day we should not worry about is Tomorrow with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise and poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control. Tomorrow's sun will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in Tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.

This leaves only one day – Today. Any person can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities – Yesterday and Tomorrow – that we break down. It is not the experience of Today that drives people mad – it is remorse or bitterness for something which happened Yesterday and the dread of what will happen Tomorrow.

Let that sink in for a minute. Today is the only day we can take action and have an impact. Sure, we learn from Yesterday. And of course, we plan for Tomorrow.

But unless we approach each day with a renewed positive outlook, we are wasting enormous potential. And that is what I challenge you to exploit to the max.

Use every tool in your toolbox to build on the traits you need to think and act positively each day. These include reliability, communication and listening skills, cooperation, loyalty and humor, among other qualities. If you are concerned that you are weak in any of these areas, resolve to improve. Make a New Year’s promise to yourself to not waste another minute on negative thinking. Make every Today better than Yesterday.

You do not need to be a victim of worry. Reduced to its simplest form, what is worry? It is simply an unhealthy and destructive mental habit.

The way to happiness: Keep your heart free from hate, your mind from worry. Live simply, expect little, give much. Fill your life with love. Scatter sunshine. Forget self, think of others. Do as you would be done by. Try this for a week and you will be surprised.

“When you expect the best, you release a magnetic force in your mind which by a law of attraction tends to bring the best to you.”

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy. But with sound self-confidence you can succeed. A sense of inferiority and inadequacy interferes with the attainment of your hopes, but self-confidence leads to self-realization and successful achievement.

-- Harvey Mackay / Scottsdale, Arizona

* * *

THE DAY HER DAD JOINED THE PARACHUTE CLUB

Yesterday my friend’s daughter e-mailed him, again, asking why he didn't do something useful with his time, "like sitting around the pool and drinking wine isn't a good thing." Talking about him "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She is "only thinking of him," she said, and suggested he go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas. So, he did and when he got home, decided to play a prank on her. He sent her an e-mail saying that he had joined the Senior Parachute Club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 76 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

He told her that he even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her. Immediately, she telephoned him and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, am I in trouble," he said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!"  The line went dead.

Life as a Senior Citizen isn't getting any easier, but sometimes it can be a lot of fun

* * *

A DAD & HIS SON TALK ABOUT GIRLS

Son: “Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!”

Father: “That’s great son. Who is she?”

Son: “It’s Sandra, the neighbor’s daughter.”

Father: “Ohhh I wish you hadn’t said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.

“Sandra is actually your sister.

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later Son: “Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!”

Father: “That’s great son. Who is she?”

Son: “It’s Angela, the other neighbor’s daughter.”

Father: “Ohhhh I wish you hadn’t said that. Angela is also your sister.”

This went on a couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: “Mom I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can’t date any of them because dad is their father!”

The mother hugs him affectionately and says:

“My love, you can date whoever you want. Don’t listen to him. He isn’t your father.”

* * *

ON THE FIRST DAY, GOD CREATED THE DOG AND SAID …

Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

“For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

The dog said:

“That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”

So, God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.

“For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”

The monkey said:

Monkey tricks for twenty years?

That’s a pretty long time to perform.

“How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family.

“For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said:

That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.

“How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.

“For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”

But the human said:

“Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God.

“You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.

For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.

For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

* * *

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE A JOB INTERVIEW LIKE THIS ONE?

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks’ vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

* * *

A SLICK LAWYER GETS A LESSON FROM THE SHERIFF

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than a sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration.

The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," says the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

* * *

BEST VIDEO OF THE WEEK – “I need to go to the hospital for some tests … would you mind watching my kids for me?” Two weeks later the single mother died. Wait until you see what the other mother did … and what else happened this Christmas. Oh, my goodness! CLICK HERE. 

* * *

"Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room." — Phyllis Diller

royexum@aol.com


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