Roy Exum: My February Garden

  • Friday, February 1, 2019
  • Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

Earlier this week six states in our country were colder than the South Pole so my garden, always barren on the first day of February, does not handle polar vortexes well. You become almost consumed praying for homeless people and animals but, if you’ll hold on, ours is a state where you can go from 14 degrees to 55 degrees in just three days.

The scant dusting of Tuesday snow could hardly hide the orchids and onions we have found but, for what’s it’s worth, the folks at AccuWeather predict there will just be eight days in the month of February where lows will dip below freezing and just four where it will be in the 20s.

Here are more orchids than onions …

AN ORCHID to the “Praise God!” study of the research group in England that has discovered chocolate – yes, chocolate – is better for your cough that any syrup. It seems the properties found in cocoa are wonderful in relieving irritation and inflammation. And the best part? Researchers say chocolate works best when you suck it; let it melt in your mouth and slowly bathe your throat rather than gobble it down. No problem for me.

AN ONION to the weatherman in Birmingham, Ala., who actually apologized that the snow he predicted didn’t show up. If the guy moves to any of the six states where it was colder than Antarctica on Wednesday, his chances for success will increase, as they say, exponentially.

AN ORCHID to the science-driven meteorologist who claimed to have measured that every year a septillion snow flakes fall. A septillion? Yep, that’s the word, and if you tell your sweetheart in this month of Valentines you love her that much, use 24 zeroes after the ‘1’.

AN ORCHID for the ageless belief: “This is the beginning of a new day. You’ve been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its place is something that you have left behind...let it be something good."

AN ONION to Nancy Pelosi who, after just one month, has proven she is the most hateful of all Americans and when she launches her everyday jabber, she is the biggest reason our Congress doesn’t belong to its people any longer.

AN ORCHID to the fact the UT basketball team is riding a 15-game winning streak for the first time – drum roll please -- since just before World War I. Tennessee, now the top-ranked men’s team in the country with a 19-1 record, faces Texas A&M (8-11) tomorrow night. The last time UT had a 15-game winning streak was in 1915-17.

AN ONION to the stark realization my friends are beginning to die at an accelerated rate. Somebody explain to me how wrestling icons Jim Morgan and John Farr died on the same day, how Bob McKamey and Tom Caldwell slipped away too fast. What about Bill Ortwein, whose life was marked by his service to others? Wow, I am missing too many people.

AN ORCHID for this, from the Cherokee: “When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.”

AN ORCHID to Weston Wamp for his beautiful eulogy this week on cancer victim Nathan Sexton, who with his wife Elizabeth taught us much more about living than dying in his last 43 months. Weston’s article is entitled, “Chattanooga's Most Influential Young Couple” and can be read in “Opinions” on Chattanoogan.com.

AN ONION to the yells and cuss words from my liberal pals in New York City who celebrated the victory of a $15/hour minimum wage for restaurant workers in the fall but who are now madder than spit that food prices at 88 percent of the over 500 fast food outlets have risen in the month of January. At the McDonald’s at 47th & Fifth, the Big Mac value meal just went from $9.58 to $10.52. At Five Guys burgers the French fries went up 10 cents but the burger alone is up a dollar.

AN ORCHID to Clemson head football coach Dabo Sweeney who just this week called the Tigers’ 28-year-old equipment manager David Saville to stand in front of his national champions and say in a loud voice, “You do so much for this team,” Swinney said. “The joy you bring every day. The perspective and how hard you work. One of the hardest workers we have around here. We all love ya. So, we have a special gift for you. I don’t know if you are interested ... I know you are busy, but the NFL has presented you with two Super Bowl tickets.” Saville went nuts. And so did the players. And so did I.

AN ONION to the fun-loving nurses at Mayo Clinic who, about 20 years ago, came into my hospital room with a gurney about 8 o’clock one night and said they needed to take me for a test. So they put a sheet over me, four of them trying not to snicker as the elevator took us to the ground floor, and then through the front door we went into 40 degrees below zero. “This is to test your reaction to heat and cold!” they screamed hysterically. “Now, spit onto the sidewalk!” and I did. So help me it bounced, frozen solid in the time it took from my mouth onto the sidewalk. I would later tell my pranksters we didn’t need to do that test again. They agreed I passed.

AN ORCHID to my legendary chums J.R. Reynolds, Darrell Patterson, and Buddy Nix, who are all predicting New England – along with me -- will win Sunday’s Super Bowl. WDEF’s Chip Chapman is going with Los Angeles in our ever-fun annual revealing on WDEF. (Very seriously … look at these four guys – Reynolds, Patterson, Nix and Chapman – have you any idea how humbling it is to breathe the same air?)

AN ONION to North Carolina’s August Williams whose idea it was to kidnap this attractive woman in Charlotte. She escaped his attempt and dashed into where she worked, a place called a dojo. Those in the martial arts will recognize that as a karate studio. Suffice it to say the head instructor got Williams outside of his business and told police the assailant “was dealt with accordingly,” this after the would-be kidnapper was rushed to a nearby hospital.

AN ONION to the two unnamed minors – ages 14 and 15 -- who sneaked onto a private air strip in Utah, fired up a single-engine Cessna and flew the plane for 15 minutes before successful landing it.

AN ORCHID that for the rest of their lives, two unnamed 14 and 15 year old boys in Utah, will laugh about the time that they climbed into that Cessna and yelped, “Flaps up, bro!” And why Cessna doesn’t grab this opportunity to advertise how much fun it is to fly an airplane is anybody’s guess! Oh, my goodness, to be a child again …

AN ORCHID to Alison Sparkes, an animal welfare expert in England, who was summoned to a residence to rescue a hamster that had been stuck in a drainpipe for five days. In no time had Alison fashioned a ladder out of some wire mesh and – presto – the hungry hamster climbed right out.

AN ONION to the undeniable failure of America’s colleges, this in a country where there are now 45.6 million of us who started college and never finished. In the state of Tennessee we pour millions into our colleges when, in fact, every penny would be far better invested in elementary and secondary education. At present only 60 percent of our nation’s college students graduate in six years. It is absolutely ludicrous that our high schools sacrifice while our colleges do not and, yes, frivolous college loans have become so toxic that these are part of our GNP.

AN ORCHID to author J.P. Donleavy, who observes, “When you don’t have money, the problem is food. When you have money, it is sex. When you have both, it’s health!’

AN ORCHID for Jean-Luc Van Den Heede, a 73-year-old French sailor who just won the 30,000-mile Golden Globe yacht race. The appeal is that every sailor could not use modern navigation equipment – just a sextant and maps. (For many centuries a sextant has allowed a sailor to navigate by the positions of the stars.) Last July Van Den Heede was one of 19 competitors that began the race and Tuesday, when he arrived first at Les Sables d’Olonne in western France, just five boats were still in the race. The race marked the sixth time he has circumnavigated the globe.

AN ORCHID to the groundhog, “Chattanooga Chuck,” who will try to see his shadow tomorrow with others in five states, in much the same way of legendary “Punxsutawney Phil” will try the feat in Punxsutawney, Penn. “Chattanooga Chuck” will make his official prediction at 10:30 a.m. in the River Journey lobby of the Chattanooga Aquarium and children of all ages should arrive earlier to see what Chuck sees – according to folklore, if Chuck sees his shadow and returns to his burrow, he has predicted six more weeks of winter-like weather in Chattanooga. If the animal does not see his shadow, he will predict an "early spring."

AN ONION to the weather wizards who tell us the best prediction for Chattanooga Chuck’s appearance at 10:30 Saturday is “periods of clouds and sun” but warn if some Hollywood type measures Chuck’s shadow inside the River Journey lobby instead of outside they will not certify the results.

AN ORCHID to the jesters who will swear “Punxsutawney Phil” is over 130 years old. They’ll tell you he takes magic elixir which has side-effects that change the color of the groundhog’s coat, his size and that the life span of an ordinary groundhog is 6-8 years is a bunch of rubbish.

AN ONION to the notion you can measure a groundhog’s shadow if you catch one wild in the woods behind your house. The things bite.

AN ORCHID for the night Cross Scott just happened to watch the TV show “The Office” where Michael Scott, played by actor Steve Carell, used the Bee Gees' hit song "Stayin' Alive" as the correct rhythm for chest compressions to save a heart-attack victim’s life. Not long ago Cross was driving in Tucson, Ariz., when he saw a car that was stopped, its emergency hazard lights blinking, and a woman slumped over the wheel. He jumped into the front seat, beside the woman who had no pulse, and started singing the Bee Gees’ song out loud, mimicking Carell’s chest compressions. When emergency medical units arrived, the victim’s pulse had returned and Scott ruefully admitted, “I had no idea what I was doing!” A life saved, Scott will soon take a certified CPR class. (“Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm a woman's man, no time to talk …”)

AND, FINALLY …

"Come to the edge."

"We can't. We're afraid."

"Come to the edge."

"We can't. We will fall!"

"Come to the edge."

And they came.

And he pushed them.

And they flew.

 -- Guillaume Apollinaire, French Poet and Philosopher

royexum@aol.com

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