Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, April 13, 2019 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

As we welcome this edition of The Saturday Funnies, there comes the tale of a man who is having a meaningful discussion with God. A man suddenly asked, “God, how long is a million years?"

God replies, “To me only less than a second.” The man mulls the answer, well-acquainted with the promise of Eternal Life. But then the guy takes it a step further. “The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"

God replies, “To me it is less than a penny.” Our man falls silent, pondering what to say next before he says, “God, may I have a penny?" God hardly pauses before He answers, “Wait a second."

As our regular readers of The Saturday Funnies already know, I do not actually write my weekend’s laughter but gather the funnies from the email that comes each day. I subscribe to the theory that laughter and humor add to a joyful heart and here’s this week’s version of why I am happy.

* * *

HARLEY DAVIDSON ADDRESSES DECLINING BIKE SALES

The reasons for the slump in sales at Harley-Davidson are not President Trump's fault. Apparently the Baby-Boomers all have motorcycles but Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn't buying any at all. A recent study was done to find out why Millennials don't ride motorcycles:

1. Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.

2. Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.

3. Can't use two hands to eat while driving.

4. They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.

5. Don't have enough muscle to hold the bike up when stopped.

6. Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency care.

7. Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.

8. They can't afford one because they spent 12 years in college trying to get a degree in Humanities, Social Studies or Gender Studies for which no jobs are available.

9. They are allergic to fresh air.

10. Their pajamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.

11. They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.

12. The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen.

13. You have to shift manually, and use something called a clutch.

14. It's too hard to take selfies while riding.

15. They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did.

16. Motorcycles don't have power steering or power brakes.

17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.

18. They would have to use leg muscle to back up.

19. When they stop, a light breeze might blow exhaust in their face.

20. It could rain on them and expose them to non-soft water.

21. It might scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy.

22. Can't get the motorcycle down the basement stairs of their parent's home.

* * *

LITTLE JOHNNY AND BERNIE SANDERS

A teacher asked her class how many of them were Bernie Sanders fans.

Not really knowing what a Bernie Sanders fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands.

Except for Little Johnny (of course).

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he had chosen to be different -- again. "Because I'm not a Bernie Sanders fan," replied Little Johnny.

"Why aren't you a Bernie Sanders fan?" asked the teacher.

"Because I'm a Conservative," said Little Johnny.

The teacher asked, "Why are you a Conservative?"

Little Johnny replied, "Well, my Mom's a Conservative and my Dad's a Conservative, so I'm a Conservative, too."

Annoyed by that response, the teacher then asked, "If your Mom was a moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

"A Bernie Sanders fan," replied Little Johnny.

* * *

HERE’S A LITTLE GUY WHO HAS IT FIGURED OUT

A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver. The boy keeps repeatedly saying, “If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling." The annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your mom was a drunk and your dad was a bum?" The boy responds, "Then I'd be a bus driver."

* * *

ONE THING YOU CAN LEARN IN THE ARMY

After a hard day of drilling, the drill sergeant let the troops go. "All right, you idiots, report to the mess hall." Everybody walked away, sweating and their heads down, thankful for the end of the hard day. Only one private remained. He looked at the officer and sincerely said, "Boy, there sure were a lot of them, huh, Sarge."

* * *

BEST. SHORT JOKES. EVER.

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? FO DRIZZLE!

What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Why the long face?”

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, get out of here! We don’t serve mushrooms here”. Mushroom says, “Why not? I’m a fungai!”

I never make mistakes…I thought I did once; but I was wrong.

What’s Beethoven’s favorite fruit?…Ba-na-na-naaa!

Where does a sheep go for a haircut? To the baaaaa baaaaa shop!

What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.

Knock knock- who’s there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the tub I’m dwounding!

The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

What goes “ha ha thump”? A man laughing his head off.

What did the grape say when he was pinched? Nothing, he gave a little wine.

Why are pirates so mean? I don’t know, they just arrrrrrrrr!

What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft? A flat miner.

What do you call cheese that’s not yours? It’s nacho cheese.

What do you get when you put a candle in a suit of armor? A knight light.

Have you heard about corduroy pillows?! They’re making headlines!

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba-dum Tish!

There were two peanuts walking down a dark alley, one was assaulted.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun… A roamin’ Catholic.

What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!

Why did the orange stop? Because, it ran outta juice.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Interrupting Cow. Interrupting Cow wh- MOOOOOOO!

Why did the storm trooper buy an iPhone? He couldn’t find the Droid he was looking for.

Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine.

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer, the bartender says sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.

What do you do with a dead chemist …. You Barium.

A guy walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables…the bartender says, “Buddy, I’ll serve you as long as you don’t start anything.”

How does Jesus make tea???? Hebrews it.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? Elephino!

Have you heard about the duck that was arrested for dealing? He was selling “quack”.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

How do you catch a unique rabbit? You ‘neek’ up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit? The ‘tame’ way.

What did the green grape say to the purple grape? BREATHE!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Hippa. Hippa who? I’m sorry, I can’t tell you that.

A liberal, a moderate, and a conservative walk into a bar. Bartender says, “Hey Mitt! What’ll ya have?”

What does the man in the moon do when his hair gets too long? Eclipse it!

* * *

I KNOW THESE TEN FACTS ABOUT YOU

Fact 1: You are reading this.

Fact 2: You can't say the letter 'm' without touching your lips.

Fact 3: You just tried it.

Fact 4: You're smiling.

Fact 6: You're smiling or laughing again.

Fact 7: You didn't notice I missed fact 5.

Fact 8: You just checked it.

Fact 9: You're smiling again.

Fact 10: You like this and you're going to rate or comment. :)

* * *

WHAT THE LITTLE KID ASKED THE PREGNANT LADY

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor’s office.

He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "I'm having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She said, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked...

"Then why did you eat him?"

* * *

A HUSBAND’S KITCHEN TIPS ON FRYING EGGS

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

* * *

AN AMISH FAMILY VISITS THE SHOPPING MALL

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blondE stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother."

* * *

AND, FINALLY, THERE IS THIS ONE

A total naked woman rushed in a taxi. The taxi driver turned back and stared at her so keenly. The woman asked the taxi driver, "Why are you staring at me that way, haven't you ever seen a naked woman?" The taxi driver replied, "No, I just wonder where you have my money."

royexum@aol.com


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