Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, April 20, 2019 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

As we open this week’s edition of The Saturday Funnies, it seems the best question of the day is how many Easter eggs can you put in an empty basket? If you answered ‘one,’ you are as smart as our famous Little Johnny, who explained that with just one egg, the basket wasn’t empty any longer.

Please understand that I do not write The Saturday Funnies; I just assemble what I find in my emails and readings each week in a fun effort to bring some cheer to the end of another week. Today let’s kick things off with the timeless list, “All I Need to Know About Life I Learned from the Easter Bunny:

Don't put all of your eggs in one basket. Walk softly and carry a big carrot. Everyone needs a friend who is all ears. There's no such thing as too much candy. All work and no play can make you a basket case. A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention. Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day. Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits, and … Some body parts should be floppy.

Also: Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans. The grass is always greener in someone else's basket. An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare. To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell, and yes, The best things in life are still sweet and gooey!

* * *

WHAT HAPPENED ON EASTER AT THE PEARLY GATES

One Easter a priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me,' said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St Peter to a mansion. It had everything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.

'Oh my word, thank you,' said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rough old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up,' said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true.' St Peter rejoined, 'But during your Easter sermons people slept.  When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'

* * *

LET’S LET THE MONEY DO THE TALKING

One Easter Sunday the Reverend Jones announced to his congregation, 'My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons …

‘A $100 sermon that lasts five minutes

‘A $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes

‘And a $20 sermon that lasts a full hour.

‘Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver.'

* * *

SOME RANDOM THOUGHTS FROM A GUY SITTING ON A BUS

* -- A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

* -- Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

* -- Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

* -- Isn't it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.

* -- When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

* -- My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy... so I got drunk.

* -- Son, when I was your age there was no social media. You had to go to a bar and buy endless drinks to be ignored by multiple women.

* -- When I was young I did stupid things because I didn't know any better. Now I know better and do stupid things because I miss being young.

* * *

HERE IS SAINT PETER’S NEWEST QUESTION

Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter.

"When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" asks St. Peter.

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

* * *

THE SUNDAY MORNING SATAN CAME TO CHURCH

One bright and beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the village wakes up early and goes to the local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and families etc.

Suddenly at the altar, Satan appears! Everyone starts screaming and running for the door, trampling each other in their efforts to get away from this evil spirit.

Soon, everyone has left the church, except for one man who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man says, "Of course I do."

Satan shouts, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan perturbed says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man replies, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 35 years."

* * *

BIBLE QUESTIONS FOR THE INTERNET’S DR. LAURA

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your columns, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Thanks, your adoring fan.

* * *

NEVER GET IN A SERIOUS TALK WITH YOUR WIFE WHEN SHE IS DRIVING

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice, "I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.

Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues.

Then 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.

This makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice.

"No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.

"The airbag."

* * *

‘IT IS SO NICE TO SEE YOU IN CHURCH TODAY’

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.

He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.”

* * *

THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEO –There is nothing like replacing an engine in a car surrounded by your buddies unless your buddies include a practical joker. Listen to this one closely. CLICK HERE

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royexum@aol.com


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