Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

HERE IS A COPY OF THIS WEEK’S “GOOD LIST”

Before you read this, remember life is no fairy tale … if you lose a shoe at midnight all it means is that you are drunk …

* -- If women are upset at Trump’s naughty words, who in the name of thunder bought 80 million copies of 50 Shades of Gray?

* -- Jim Comey answered, "I don’t know," "I don’t recall," and "I don't remember" 236 times while under oath. But he remembered enough to write a book.

* -- President Trump should nominate Hillary Clinton for the next opening on the supreme court. Then he can finally get her investigated.

* -- Not one feminist has defended Sarah Sanders. It seems women's rights only matter if those women are liberal.

* -- No Border Walls. No voter ID laws. You figured it out yet?

* -- Chelsea Clinton got out of college and got a job at NBC that paid $900,000 per year. Her mom flies around the country speaking out about white privilege.

* -- SOCIALISM: An idea that is so good that it has to be mandatory. Bernie Sanders walks into a bar and yells... "Free drinks for everyone!" looks around and says, "Who's buying?"

* -- What is the difference between an Illegal immigrant and E.T.? E.T. learned to speak English and went home.

* -- Amazing! Just like that they went from being against foreign interference in our elections to allowing non-citizens to vote in our elections.

* -- Watching the left come up with schemes to "catch Trump" is like watching Wile E. Coyote trying to catch Road Runner.

* -- President Trump's wall cost less than the Obamacare website alone. Let that sink in, America.

* -- We are one election away from open borders, socialism, gun confiscation, and full-term abortion nationally. Yet we are fighting evil?

* -- They sent more troops and armament to arrest Roger Stone than they sent to defend Benghazi.

* -- 60 years ago, Venezuela was 4th on the world economic freedom index. Today, they are 179th and their citizens are dying of starvation. In only 10 years, Venezuela was destroyed by democratic socialism.

* -- Russia donated $0.00 to the Trump campaign. Russia donated $145,600,000 to the Clinton Foundation. But Trump was the one investigated!

* -- Nancy Pelosi invited illegal aliens to the State of the Union. President Trump invited victims of illegal aliens to the State of the Union. Let that sink in.

* -- A socialist is basically a communist who doesn't have the power to take everything from their citizens at gunpoint ... Yet!

* -- How do you walk 3,000 miles across Mexico without food or support and show up at our border 100 pounds overweight and with a cellphone?

* -- Alexandria Ocasio Cortez wants to ban cars, ban planes, give out universal income and thinks socialism works. She calls Donald Trump crazy.

* -- Bill Clinton paid $850,000 to Paula Jones to get her to go away. I don't remember the FBI raiding his lawyer's office.

* -- I wake up every day and I am grateful that Hillary Clinton is not the President of the United States of America. The same media that told me Hillary Clinton had a 95% chance of winning now tells me Trump's approval ratings are low.

* -- "The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people's money."— Margaret Thatcher

* -- Maxine Waters opposes voter ID laws; She thinks that they are racist. But do not forget -- You need to have a photo ID to attend her town hall meetings.

* -- Trump — They're not after me. They're after you. I'm just in their way.

* * *

WHY NO DEMOCRAT IS SO STUPID THEY WOULD DARE IMPEACH TRUMP

Note: This was written anonymously by a man in Florida who claims to be a Libertarian.

I’ve been studying politics and political history for the past 30 years. My specialty is U.S. Presidents. That said, I hope that the House of Representatives impeaches Trump.

Let me tell you what will happen next.

1. The House can pass Articles of Impeachment over the objections of the Republicans, and refer to the Senate for trial.

2. The Senate will conduct a trial. There will be a vote, and the Republicans will vote unanimously, along with a small number of Democrats, to not convict the President. Legally, it will all be over at that point.

3. However, during the trial, and this is what no one is thinking about right now, the President's attorneys will have the right to subpoena and question ANYONE THAT THEY WANT. That is different than the special counsel investigation, which was very one-sided. So, during the impeachment trial, we will be hearing testimony from James Comey, Peter Strzok, Lisa Page, Bruce Ohr, Glenn Simpson, Donna Brazille, Eric Holder, Loretta Lynch, Christopher Steele, Hillary Clinton, John Brennan, James Clapper, and a whole host of other participants in this whole sordid affair and the ensuing coverup activities.

A lot of dirt will be dug up; a lot of truth will be unveiled. Finger pointing will occur. Deals will start being made, and suddenly, a lot of Democrats will start being charged and going to prison. All this, because, remember, the President's team will now, for the first time, have the RIGHT to question all of these people under oath - and they will turn on each other. That’s already starting.

4. Lastly, one more thing will happen – the Senate will not convict the President. Nothing will happen to Trump. Most Americans are clueless about political processes, the law, and the Constitution. Most Americans believe that being impeached results in removal from office. They don't understand that phase 2 is a trial in and by the Senate, where he has zero chance of conviction. Remember, the Senate is controlled by Republicans; they will determine what testimony is allowed -- and **everything** will be allowed, including: DNC collusion with the Clinton campaign to fix the election in favor of Hillary, the creation of the Trump dossier, the cover up and destruction of emails that very likely included incriminating information. They’ll incriminate each other for lying to the FISA court, for spying and wiretapping the Trump campaign, and for colluding with foreign political actors, especially George Soros.

After the Senate declines to convict the President, we will have an election, and Trump will win. It will be a backlash against democrat petulance, temper tantrums, hypocrisy and dishonesty. Even minorities will vote for Trump, because, for the first time, they will see that democrats have spent 2+ years focused on maintaining their own power, and not doing anything at all about black murders in Chicago, homelessness, opioids, and other important issues that are actually killing people. And, we will spend the following four years listening to politicians and pundits claim that the whole impeachment was rigged somehow.

"Any man can endure adversity but to truly test a man's character...give him power!"

* * *

AS SUMMER BEGINS, HERE ARE THE NEW GUNFIGHT RULES

A -- Guns have only two enemies: Rust and Politicians. Rust can be prevented, Politicians cannot.

B -- It's always better to be judged by 12 than carried out by 6.

C -- Cops carry guns to protect themselves, not you.

D -- Never let someone or something that threatens you get inside arm's length.

E -- Never say "I've got a gun." If you need to use deadly force, the first sound they should hear is the safety clicking off, or the hammer cocking.

F -- The average response time of a 911 call is 23 minutes; the response time of a .357 is 1,400 feet per second.

G -- The most important rule in a gunfight is: Always Win - there is no such thing as a fair fight. Always Win - cheat if necessary. Always Win - 2nd place doesn't count.

H -- Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets ... you may get killed with your own gun, but they'll have to beat you to death with it because it will be empty.

I -- If you're in a gun fight: (a) If you're not shooting, you should be loading; (b) If you're not loading, you should be moving; (c) If you're not moving, you're dead.

J -- In a life and death situation, do something ... it may be wrong, but do something!

K -- If you carry a gun, people will call you paranoid. Nonsense! If you have a gun, what do you have to be paranoid about?

L -- Never fire a "warning shot", that is just one wasted bullet, which could be needed within moments.

M -- You can say "stop" or any other word, but a large bore muzzle pointed at someone's head is pretty much a universal language; and, you won't have to press 1 for Spanish, or 2 for Chinese, or 3 for Arabic.

N -- Never leave a wounded enemy behind. If you have to shoot, shoot to kill. In court, yours will be the only testimony.

O – You cannot save the planet, but you may be able to save yourself and your family … if, and only if … you have a gun in your hand.

"Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading."

* * *

THE LATE BOB HOPE ON GUNS

On his deathbed they asked him where he wanted to be buried. Bob Hope replied: "Surprise me."

I had forgotten that he lived to be 100, and also didn't realize it has been over 15 years since he died.

ON TURNING 70 - "I still chase women, but only downhill."

ON TURNING 80 - "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."

ON TURNING 90 - "You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

ON TURNING 100 - " I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER (BOXING) - "I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them."

ON GOLF - "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."

ON PRESIDENTS - "I have performed for 12 presidents but entertained only six."

ON WHY HE CHOOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER - "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, congratulations, you have an eight-pound ham."

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL - "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY - "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS - "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES - "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

ON GOING TO HEAVEN - "I have done benefits for ALL religions. I would hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."

Dear Lord -

Please give me a sense of humor,

give me the grace to see a joke,

to get some humor out of life,

and pass it on to other folk.

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, keep one hand on your wallet and don't worry about tomorrow.

* * *

1 - Eleven teens die each day because of texting while driving. Maybe it's time to raise the age of Smart Phone ownership to 21.

2 - If gun control laws actually worked, Chicago would be Mayberry, USA.

3 - The Second Amendment makes more women equal than the entire feminist movement.

4 - Legal gun owners have 300 million guns and probably a trillion rounds of ammo. (Seriously, folks, if we were the problem, you'd know it.)

5 - When JFK was killed, nobody blamed the rifle.

6 - The NRA murders 0 people and receives $0 in government funds. Planned Parenthood kills 350,000 babies every year and receives $500,000,000 in tax dollars annually.

7 - I have no problem with vigorous background checks when it comes to firearms. While we're at it, let's do the same when it comes to immigration, Voter I.D and Candidates running for office.

8 - You don't need a smoke detector; that's what the fire department is for. Now...if you think that sounds stupid, you know how I feel when you say I don't need a gun.

9 - Folks keep talking about another Civil War but one side knows how to shoot and probably has a trillion rounds. The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use.

Now tell me, how do you think that's going to end?

* * *

SO, THERE IS THIS TRUMP SUPPORTER SITTING IN A BAR

A union organizer walks in, just after learned the UAW has lost once again at Chattanooga’s Volkswagen plant, and is about to order a beer when he sees a guy at the far end of the bar wearing a ‘TRUMP Make America Great Again’ cap with two beers sitting in front of him.

The union boss doesn't need to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican, so he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender.... but not for the ‘Republican'.

Soon after the drinks have been passed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the 'Union Boss'.

After a few minutes, the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this doesn't seem to bother the Republican. He nods and smiles, and again yells, "Thank you!"

A few more minutes pass and the union boss orders another round of drinks for everyone except the Republican.

Frustrated that he can't seem to get the guy angered, the union boss asks the bartender, "What is wrong with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the dummy does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts...?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. “He owns the place."

* * *

AND WHOSE ADORABLE LITTLE GIRL ARE YOU?

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.”

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.”

The minister spoke to her in Sunday School and said, “Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?”

“She replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.”

* * *

SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES YOU MUST NEVER TRY ALONE

And if you try these at home, you’re a moron!

1. If you’re choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments about the toilet … use the sink.

4. For high pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

* * *

MORE SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES NOT TO TRY ALONE

And again – if you try these at home, you’re a moron!

1. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough at all.

2. You only need two tools in life … WD40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use WD40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use Duct Tape.

3. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

4. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. A Daily Thought: Some people are like Slinkys … Not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

* * *

THIS WEEK’S VIDEO – If you were to ask me my favorite comedy team on the day that I die, I will swear none other since the beginning of time can match Tim Conway and Harvey Korman on the old Carol Burnett Show. The fact they were closest of friends makes it all the better because after they had carefully rehearsed a skit, Tim would totally abandon it and with Harvey trying to follow, Trim’s victory was never won until he reduced Korman into hysterical laughter. In this clip, watch as the defenseless Korman tries to keep from laughing. Please CLICK HERE.

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Royexum@aol.com