Roy Exum
Hot dog! Here we are with a Halloween edition of The Saturday Funnies and what better way than to kick it off with a riddle honoring the ghosts and goblins of the day: “The person who built it sold it. The person who bought it never used it. The person who used it never saw it. What is it?”
As you mull over this stumper, please allow me to interject The Saturday Funnies is a casual collection of jokes and stories that we find included in our Internet emails every week.
We don’t write them; rather passing them along in the hope they will cause readers to laugh, too.
Thanks for joining us each week and a special thanks to those who email their favorite funny to us. This week’s answer to the Halloween riddle? A coffin.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Daylight Saving Time will give way to “standard time” tonight at 2 a.m., which means we must set our clocks BACK one hour. It is strongly suggested your change the batteries in your smoke alarms, emergency flashlights, weather radios and similar devices whether they need it or not. That’s right – penny wise, pound foolish. Daylight Saving Time will “spring forward” on Sunday, March 14, 2021.
Here we go with this week’s Funnies …
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THE E.R. NURSE WHO HAS ‘HAD IT UP TO HERE’ HAS FINALLY SAID IT!
The email reads: “I have done my best to respect the diverse opinions regarding COVID-19 over these past few months, however the ER nurse that posted (what follows) brilliantly sums up my train of thought. Please just take politics out of it and read this with an open mind using common sense...
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"(Is there) Anyone out there who can tell me what our end game is with the COVID-19?
What is the magic formula that is going to allow us to sound the all-clear?
Is it zero cases?
The only way that will happen is if we just stop testing and stop reporting.
Is it a vaccine?
It took 25 years for a chicken pox vaccine to be developed.
The smallpox inoculation was discovered in 1796 the last known natural case was in 1977.
We have a flu vaccine that is only 40 to 60% effective and less than half of the US population choose to get one, and roughly 20,000 Americans will die of the flu or flu complications.
Oh, you'll mandate it, like other vaccines are mandated in order to attend school, travel to some foreign countries, etc.
We already have a growing number of “anti vaxxers” refusing proven, tested, well known vaccines that have been administered for decades but aren’t necessarily safe!
Do you really think people will flock to get a fast tracked, quickly tested vaccine, whose long-term side effects and overall efficacy are anyone's best guess?
How long are we going to cancel and postpone and reconsider?
You aren't doing in-person school until second quarter?
What if October's numbers are the same as August's?
You moved football to spring?
What if next March is worse than this one was?
When do we decide quality of life outweighs the risks?
I understand COVID can be deadly or very dangerous for SOME people, but so are strawberries and so is shellfish.
We take risks multiple times a day without a second thought.
We know driving a car can be dangerous, we don't leave it in the garage. Many speed and don't wear seat belts.
We know the dangers of smoking, drinking, and eating fried foods, we do it anyway.
Is hugging Grandma really more dangerous than rush hour on the freeway?
Is going out with friends after work more risky than four-day old gas station sushi?
Or operating a chainsaw?
When and how did we so quickly lose our free will and give up our liberty?
Is there a waiver somewhere I can sign that says, "I understand the risks, but I choose a life with Hugs and Smiles, and the State Fair, and going to Church, and going hug my Mom in her retirement home?
I understand that there is a minuscule possibility I could die, but I will most likely end up feeling like crap for a few days.
I understand I could possibly pass it to someone else, if I'm not careful, but I can pass any virus onto someone else.
I'm struggling to see where, or how, this ends.
We either get busy living or we get busy dying.
When God decides it's your time, you don't get any “mulligans,” so I guess I would rather spend my time enjoying it and living in the moment and not worrying about what ifs and maybes, and I bet I'm not the only one.
(Note: The Saturday Funnies does not condone this message but applauds the fact it makes us think. We strongly urge facemasks, social distancing, and frequently washing hands with very warm water and soap. We also feel very strongly about living each day as fully as one can. Laugh often.)
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THE TOP 15 HALLOWEEN JOKES FOR KIDS
1. What is a mummy's favorite type of music? -- Wrap!
2. What's a ghost's favorite color? -- Light boo
3. What kind of monster is the best dancer? -- The Boogieman!
4. What do witches put in their hair? -- Scare spray
5. What is a skeleton's favorite instrument? -- A trombone
6. What's the problem with twin witches? -- You never know which witch is which!
7. Why don't mummies take vacations? -- They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.
8. Why did Dracula go to the library? -- He wanted a good book to sink is teeth into.
9. Where do baby ghosts go when their moms go to work? -- A day scare center!
10. Why couldn't the skeleton go to the dance? -- Because he had no-body to take!
11. What does Bigfoot say when he asks for candy? -- Trick-or-Feet!
12. Why couldn't the mummy attend the meeting? -- He was all tied up!
13. What tops off a ghost's ice cream? -- Whipped scream!
14. How does a vampire address a letter? -- Tomb whom it may concern,
15. What do zombies call their Navy? -- The Ghost Guard!
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QUOTE OF THE DAY? "There is a child in every one of us who is still a trick-or-treater looking for a brightly-lit front porch." -- Robert Brault
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DONALD TRUMP, GEORGE BUSH & JOE BIDEN IN A PICKLE
Donald Trump, George Bush, and Joe Biden were set to face a firing squad in a small central American country. Donald Trump was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Donald Trump jumped over the wall and escaped during the confusion.
George Bush was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was re-assembled, and George pondered what he had just witnessed. Again, before the order was given George yelled out "Tornado!" Again, the squad fell apart and George slipped over the wall.
The last person, Joe Biden, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, ‘I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall.’ He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was re-assembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction, Ol’ Joe grinned from ear to ear and yelled "Fire!"
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HERE IS SOMETHING WHERE WE CAN ALL AGREE
Here's something we can all agree on: The vaccine should be tested on politicians first.
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
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A STRANDED IRISHMAN’S DREAMS COME TRUE
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft ...
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask, and zipping down the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"…
"Ten years!" replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.
"Faith and begorrah!" said the castaway. "Ah, that is so good! I'd forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde…
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years!"
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point, the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"
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THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS
* -- This is a video from the Byron Bay lighthouse at the northern tip of New South Wales, Australia. Because of its unique geographical location, the moonrise can be seen and photographed only locally. Enjoy the moon rise for more than three minutes to witness the most beautiful view from the Easternmost part of Australia! A moon rise to be remembered for a long time... to the music of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah. CLICK HERE.
* -- Here’s a Halloween Joy Ride this janitor in Florida has turned into an Internet sensation … and you can do this, too! CLICK HERE.
* -- Matthew McConaughey has a best-seller book just out, “Greenlights,” and British talk-show host Graham Norton got him to tell the story of “Lucky,” the bird. CLICK HERE.
* -- “IF,” written by Rudyard Kipling, is far-and-away, my favorite poem. Many years ago, the wonderful actor Dennis Hopper was on the old “Johnny Cash Show” and recited it just perfectly. CLICK HERE.
* -- This week it was announced Whitney Houston has just become one of the singers to have three diamond albums on Billboard. In several months she with be posthumously inducted into The Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame. She died in February of 2012 of a suspected drug overdose. She was 48 years old. This is believed to be her favorite of many hits. CLICK HERE.
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