Lots of folks have probably read “Choosing Civility. It’s not a new release – in fact it’s almost 20 years old. But the subtitle is “The Twenty-Five Rules of Considerate Conduct,” and most people would agree lots of us could use a little brushing up on those guidelines. The Church of the Good Shepherd selected this book for its Lenten reading a few years ago, and the chapter titled “Listen” particularly spoke to me.
I love for people to listen to me. I demand their attention and nudge them if their eyes drift from mine as I drone on about the time the kitchen sink clogged – not necessarily before a party, just in general. I like for them to nod enthusiastically every so often, and repeat one of my sentences every now and then so I know my mundane words are making a profound impact.
On paper, I do a good job of listening. I’m polite, maintain eye contact when I speak and try to be empathetic. I change my facial expressions depending on the words I’m hearing – for the most part. But after reading this chapter on listening, I realize I fall short. Author P.M. Forni says that truly listening is the same thing as treating the speaker with dignity. The connection that is formed when one person knows something on her heart has been heard, simply heard, is, in Forni’s words, “a work of art.”
And I have not created too many works of art, I’m afraid. When I listen to others speak, I find myself forming my own sentences of what I want to say next. I race ahead to another subject, or an instance in my own life that relates to the subject the person is speaking about – but is funnier and much more interesting. I even interrupt the speaker to tell her how to solve the problem that is on her heart. None of these things are treating the speaker with dignity. I am called to listen well enough so that the person talking knows she is being heard. I can do this by “simply consciously listening,” which isn’t simple for me at all. I need to be silent, and focus on the words the person is saying. That is all.
But to make the listening experience into the work of art, to make that true and rare connection, there is more. I need to show the person speaking I hear her, so I might paraphrase what she is sharing. “So, you’re worried that your daughter is making a poor decision,” might be a more appropriate comment than “When I was your daughter’s age, I stole a car and drove it across the country and got tattoos on both arms.” The second comment totally changes the conversation, and the speaker is dismissed, as the focus is on me.
As my listening skills become more evolved, I hope to be able to be a “cooperative listener” and separate what is important from what is not as my friend speaks her heart, thus illuminating her words to her by questions. Simply asking, “How do you feel about that?” can accomplish this.
“When we find the strength to engage in considerate listening, we are in fact expressing ourselves. At our best,” Forni says. And forging something special and important at the same time.
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Ferris Robinson is the author of two children's books, "The Queen Who Banished Bugs" and "The Queen Who Accidentally Banished Birds," in her pollinator series, with "Call Me Arthropod" coming soon. "Making Arrangements" is her first novel and the ebook will be only $.99 until Nov. 9. "Dogs and Love - Stories of Fidelity" is a collection of true tales about man's best friend. Her website is ferrisrobinson.com and you can download a free pollinator poster there. She is the editor of The Lookout Mountain Mirror and The Signal Mountain Mirror.
Ferris Robinson