Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, June 25, 2022 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

GETTING OLDER FASTER

AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

I decide to wash the car. I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to wash the car...but first, I'm going to go through the mail.

I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail...and notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on the desk and take the trash out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first.

Now where is the checkbook? Oops...there's only one check left.

My extra checks are in the desk. As I start looking for the checks, I see the coke I was drinking sitting on the desk...I'm going to look for those checks...

But first I need to put my coke further away from the computer... oh, maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while... I head toward the kitchen and the plants catch my eye, they need some water... I set the coke on the counter and uh oh!

There's my glasses... I was looking for them all morning! I'm pretty sure I really don't have AAADD.

I'd better put the glasses away, but first. I fill a container with water and head for the flowerpots. Aaaaaagh! Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We'll never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs.

I splash some water into the plants and onto the floor, I go to get the mop to clean up the water, I throw the remote onto a cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do...?

And it's not AAADD, or anything like that, I think.

It's the end of the day: The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, flowers are half watered, there is water on the floor, the checkbook still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my glasses or car keys!

When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I know I was busy all day long! I realize this Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder is a serious condition and I'd better get help, But first I think I'll check my e-mail...

* * *

PROPER TABLE ETIQUETTE

Two guys were sitting at the bar. One of them said, “A lady has invited me to brunch tomorrow but I know nothing of proper table etiquette.

“What do you want to know?" asked the other one.

“Well, um… for example what goes better with waffles, red or white wine?”

"Is it too late to cancel?"

* * *

WHAT KIND OF FLOWER

Pete: "What's that you have in your buttonhole?"

Donald: "That's a chrysanthemum."

Pete: "It looks like a rose to me!"

Donald: "Your wrong, its a chrysanthemum."

Pete: "Then spell it."

Donald: "K-r-i-s.....you're right, it is a rose."

* * *

ONE LINE AT A TIME

-- The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

-- It's weird being the same age as old people.

-- So, when is old enough to know better supposed to begin?

-- The boss said I should go home because I really don't look good. I don't know if I should be happy to get the extra rest, or just offended.

-- A doctor yelled at his nurse, “I'm telling you for the last time, when you fill out a death certificate put the name of the disease under cause of death, not the name of the doctor!”

-- Dentist: "You need a crown." Patient: "Finally someone who understands me.

-- The person who thought it’s a good idea to put the light switch outside of the bathroom clearly didn’t have any siblings.

-- I went to traffic court and the judge asked, “What do you plead?” I said, “Insanity, Your Honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?”

-- If you see me talking to myself, it's OK. I'm self-employed and I'm in a staff meeting.

-- Don't mess with old people, they didn't get that age by being stupid.

-- You may think I'm taking a nap but in my head I'm running a marathon.

-- When life isn't going right, going left only makes it worse.

-- Have you heard about McDonald’s new Biden Value Meal? Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

* * *

A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knittin',

walkers and handrails and new dental fittin’s

Bundles of magazines tied up with string,

These are a few of my favorite things.

 

Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids, glasses,

Polident, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses,

Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,

These are a few of my favorite things.

 

When the pipes leak,

When the bones creak,

when the knees go bad,

I simply remember my favorite things,

And then I don’t feel so bad.

 

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,

No spicy hot food and no food with onions,

Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,

These are a few of my favorite things.

 

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinning’,

Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinning’,

And we won’t mention our short shrunken frames,

When we remember our favorite things.

 

When the joints ache, when the hips break,

When the eyes grow dim,

THEN I REMEMBER THE GREAT LIFE I’VE HAD,

AND THEN I DON’T FEEL SOOOOO BAAAAD.

* * *

HOW ABOUT THOSE DRINKS?

Captain Hook, Captain Crunch, and Captain America walk into a bar. Hook says, "Ahoy mates, I'll buy the first round. Just let me go to the bathroom real quick."

The others wait and when Hook comes back Captain America asks, "Hey Hook, how bout those drinks?"

Hook yells, "Shove it up yer stars and stripes, ya flag waving boy scout!"

America turns to Crunch, "Why's he suddenly so irate?"

Crunch says, "Well, that's what happens when you take the P out of a pirate."

* * *

THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS

* -- Carolina (From the Motion Picture ‘Where The Crawdads Sing’) (Official Lyric Video) CLICK HERE.

* -- Candid Camera Classic: Parking Nightmare CLICK HERE.

* -- Bronze Cowboy's way of spreading laughter February 2022 CLICK HERE.

* --The Card Trick That Made DAVID BLAINE Famous!  CLICK HERE.

* -- David Blaine Blows Graham's Mind With Amazing Magic Trick CLICK HERE.

royexum@aol.com


Up-Zoning For A Development On Highway 58 And N. Hickory Valley

Tax The Rich

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I am writing to express my opposition to the proposed “Up-Zoning” of property at the corners of Highway 58 and North Hickory Valley Road. When I use the term “Up-Zoning,” it is in reference to ... (click for more)

The Democrat running for governor in Georgia announced four years ago that she owed more than $227,000 in credit card debt and back taxes, $178,500 in real estate debt and over $4,000 in a car ... (click for more)

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