The best source of expertise on the delicate subject of bringing up a beautiful bouncing boy or girl (can I say that?) into the peaceful, non-polluted world of 2024 is that non-parent genius Lewis Grizzard (LG).
In his best seller “You Can’t Put No Boogie Woogie on the King of Rock and Roll” (1991- Villard Books) LG gave his advice on how to deal with the new offspring delivered to the happy couple either by design or broken modern day contraception device.
During the lull in between one of his numerous failed marriages the inquisitive journalist had an enlightened conversation with his longtime acquaintance and the proud papa of a gift from the Stork:
My friend Rigsby, the brand-new father, is very proud of his first child. She's only three weeks old.
"It's been quite an experience being a father for the first time," said Rigsby.
"But doesn't your wife do everything that needs to be done for the baby?" I asked.
"These are the nineties, you Neanderthal," said Rigsby. "The husband and the wife now share the duties that only the poor wife handled back in the Dark Ages."
This gave me an idea. There must be a lot of new first-time fathers out there who are sensitive like Rigsby and want to share in the caring of the baby.
Mothers, of course, are born knowing how to get a baby through its newborn period-like they are born knowing when to begin force-feeding their children liver after they are old enough to chew.
"But men," Rigsby explained, "learn mostly by trial and error."
I asked if he would offer a guide for first-time fathers. This column always has stood for offering a public service whenever possible.
"Start with diapers," I suggested to Rigsby. "First of all," he said, "diaper technology has since safety pins and cloth come a long way
"Believe it or not, a wet diaper doesn't feel wet anymore. They hide the water now in a secret compartment in the diaper.
"The way you know it's time to change the diaper is, if it weighed less than an ounce when you put it on baby and has suddenly become heavier than your bowling ball, it's time for a change.
"In general, however, if it's been more than five minutes since you put the diaper on, it's probably time to apply a new one."
"How about bottle feeding?" I asked.
"What you have to worry about is getting a nipple with too big a hole," said Rigsby. "If that happens, your baby does not get enough of a sucking workout and might grow up to have a difficult time eating spaghetti."
"What do you mean by that?" I asked.
"You know when you're eating spaghetti and you lose control of the noodles and they're sort of just hanging there on your chin and you have to suck them into your mouth before anybody sees you? Well, if a baby doesn't get a good sucking workout, it might lead to a great deal of embarrassment in the future."
Makes sense to me. I asked about babies burping.
"After an ounce or two of whatever you are feeding the baby," Rigsby explained, "the gas monster will strike."
"You mean a baby can make a loud burping sound?"
"Remember John Belushi in Animal House? A tiny baby could match burps with him any day."
"What else?" I asked.
"Poop," said Rigsby.
"Poop?" I asked.
"Yes, poop," he answered. "You can't talk about babies without talking a little poop."
"Just be careful," I warned him.
"First," he began, "don't be alarmed by poop color changes. Most earth tones, including green and Day-Glo orange, are in the normal range.
"Second, there's one thing the new diaper technology has not covered yet, and that is they haven't found a secret compartment in the diaper for the poop yet, and since poop spreads faster than an Exxon spill.
"That's enough," I said, adding, "You haven't said anything about getting up in the middle of the night when the baby cries."
"That's not my job," he explained. "The little woman handles that one."
(In the modern era of 2024 LG and Rigsby would probably be accused of radical sexism by leaving the fragrance tasks to the spouse in the house!)
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If you have additional information about one of Mr. Summers' articles or have suggestions or ideas about a future Chattanooga area historical piece, please contact him at jsummers@summersfirm.com)
Jerry Summers