Roy Exum
On a day that promises to have a great afternoon and night of college football, let’s begin with the Saturday morning funnies. Here is a collection a friend sent me a few days ago:
* * *
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
* * *
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman suddenly said, “Unbutton your shirt.” So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.”
And then the fight started...
* * *
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, “Do you know her?”
“Yes,” I sighed, “She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.”
“My Goodness!” said my wife, “Who would think that a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started...
* * *
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
* * *
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband thought for a moment and replied, “Your eyesight's near perfect.”
And then the fight started.....
* * *
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started...
* * *
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her bottom look big. I told her not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday.
And then the fight started...
* * *
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man “Holy smokes! That must be my husband!”
So the man jumped out of the bed, scared and naked, and jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush, and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, “I AM your husband!”
The woman yelled back, “'Yeah, then why were you running?”
And then the fight started...
* * *
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started...
* * *
My wife and I are watching ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?’ while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to make love?"
"No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started.
* * *
royexum@aol.com