Roy Exum: Some Really Funny Tweets

Friday, April 18, 2014 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

I am not on Twitter so I don’t tweet. Difficulties with my right hand don’t even allow me to text and when you blend in the fact I am now a bonafide senior citizen, it is ample reason for me to live a life where I am lacking in what otherwise might be achieved through social networking.

Twitter has done real well without me. It is one of the 10 most visited websites in the world; over 500 million users pounded out 340 million tweets per day in 2012 so today you can only imagine how many people send out short messages to their friends and contemporaries throughout the day.

Every week a website called The Mandatory sends me a newsletter that contains the funniest tweets of the week. They are witty and hysterical, particularly when you know each message has to be 140 characters or less, and most come from the bright millennials who give our world such promise.

So on this, Good Friday, allow me to share some of the best that Mandatory editor Rob Fee has gleaned in recent weeks. Please note these are presented as the original tweet appeared, with due apologies for spelling and punctuation:

* * *

Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.

In taste tests, butter beat I Can't Believe It's Not Butter by just a small margarine.

If you own a boa and his name isn’t Rocky Balboaconstrictor, then perhaps you should hire someone who’s not a total idiot to name your pets.

You're against animal testing? How do you expect us to make sure the animals have been studying then? Exactly. Stop embarrassing yourself.

It's impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic...

"Boop" - Zebra walking past a self-service checkout.

I'm not saying Ice Cube is lying about that triple-double, I just don't know of a single pickup game in LA where they keep track of assists.

It's weird that coward doesn't mean "toward a cow."

Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now. Tell me his exact words.

nothing more enjoyable than turning the tail-end of a sneeze into a viking war cry

I wish I could skip dating and go right to the part of the relationship where we watch Netflix and hate each other.

If I were a vampire I'd watch all the YouTube. It's not wasting time if you live forever.

This hot fudge sundae hasn't killed me so it must be making me stronger.

From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch

Look, there's no easy way to tell you. Instead I told all your friends, so they can talk about it behind your back. It's better this way.

The first month of dating is just the guy saying "What?! You've never seen (movie title)?!" hundreds of times.

Rules for meeting a dog:
1) be cool
2) pet it
3) do not steal it
4) stop running from the owner
5) put it down
6) this isn't worth jail time

Continental breakfast, much like adulthood, is the opposite of everything you hoped and imagined it would be.

hey girl, if practice makes perfect than your parent’s names must be "practice" and "practice"

Chef Boyarewedepressed

five stages of grief:
1. denial
2. anger
3. bargaining
4. underwater stage
5. ??? (no idea b/c i can’t beat this UNDERWATER STAGE)

If you have time-stamped VHS footage of yourself blowing out birthday candles, you'll eventually be abducted.

Kanye West is still made about that tornado dropping my house on Kanye East.

Sorry, I was going to listen to your band, but I saw that more than two members were listed under "Percussion."

so what happens if you win american idol? now do you get a hat

If you love someone set them free and then follow their life without you on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram for eternity.

My favorite part of being an only child is the crushing weight of being the only witness to your trauma

Before you get married ask yourself: is this the person you want to watch stare at their phone the rest of your life?

i just drank so much Gatorade i could literally kick a basketball right now, or however sports work or whatever

With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she's gone.

i've never been kissed under mistletoe but one time a homeless man spit on me while we were next to an oak tree.

Remember today that you are beautiful. No, not you. The person behind you. Oh you thought--? HAHAHA. ...No. No.

They should have soccer matches on the infield of Nascar tracks so you can watch two boring things at once.

Hey girl are you a jellyfish because my understanding of your anatomy is rudimentary at best and I'm afraid to go near you.

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment "you are so brave" on all their selfies.

The best part about being a girl is I haven't had to pay for alcohol since I was 8.

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash

Animals always know when a storm's coming, because they can stay home and watch the news all day.

Ever get so high you have to turn the volume down on the TV to taste your food?

I wonder if china has fancy plates called america

I dress conservatively and part my hair severely, so yes, I'll visit your grandma and pretend to be her prom date who died in the war.

A 64 year old woman swam from Cuba to Florida. It took her 53 hours and was over 100 miles. I'm gonna heat up a pop tart, anybody want one?

"Here's the catch; the consumer has to lick it to activate it." "Get out of here, you idiot." -- How the envelope glue meeting should've gone

He died doing what he loved, checking his Facebook notifications while driving

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It's a baby, not a stash of heroin.

I'm adopted, so I shake what my mama wanted nothing to do with.

A fun thing to do at parties is stay home and watch tv.

I'VE MURDERED SO MANY KIDS' PARENTS AND NONE TURNED INTO A BATMAN. This is hopeless.

"Just because you can't dance, doesn't mean you shouldn't dance" – Alcohol

"a little bit smaller...smalllller" - gym towel manufacturer

My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.

If you assume all turtlenecks have sleeves, prepare to have your world rocked when this jacket comes off.

"Every kiss begins with Kay and ends with arl Malone." -Karl Malone

My mom would wake up early just to cut the crust off my sandwiches for lunch. She knew the crust was my favorite part. She hated me so much.

When a facebook friend says their hamster died it takes all of my power not to comment "did they fall asleep at the wheel?"

My handwriting has slowly morphed from cheerleader to serial killer to elephant with a paint brush.

"Hold on playa," - Yield sign In a ghetto

Just chugged 3 capri sun and now I'm looking for somebody to fight.

I feel offended when men hit on me but also when they don't. If you are a male reading this, I'm offended.

Sorry I'm late, I'm not coming.

She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.

* * *

Lordy, I think those are funny.

 



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