Roy Exum: This Joke Is On Me

Sunday, July 20, 2014 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum
When I arrived to do my “early voting” for the Aug. 7 election on Saturday I knew the ballot was two full pages so I allowed myself some extra time. But the one I was given seemed too short because the biggest question in my mind was missing. “Shall the City of Chattanooga’s “Domestic Partnership” ordinance (Ordinance 12781) be adopted?”
Since I feel pretty strongly that it is about being fair (and definitely not a moral decision,) I approached the Hamilton County Election Commission official and wanted to know where it was. I was miffed because I want to be part of doing what’s right for all Americans, despite their individual decisions and our different religious beliefs.
C’mon, I once did a term paper on women’s suffrage. I’m not a woman but believe we are much better if the fairer sex has the same voice men do. I also know that African-Americans once couldn’t vote and, while I’m not black, I’ll fight you to make sure blacks have the same freedoms as the rest of us. While I am not gay, I feel strongly that all human beings should be treated equally and that sexual ordination or one’s “significant other” has nothing to do with a nation’s equality.
“Show me the question!” I passed my ballot to the official and he, a very kind and considerate man, said quietly, “You don’t live in the city. You are in the county. You can’t vote on city matters.”
Well, that sure was a good answer. I got my “I Voted Today” sticker and thanked everybody kindly.
* * *
A dear friend sent me a list of some helpful tips you can use around the house that I feel compelled to share:
1. To avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables, get someone else in the family to hold the vegetable while you chop.
2. If you suffer from high blood pressure, you can cut yourself a bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing pressure on your veins. (Note: Always use a timer.)
3. A heavy-duty mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from subconsciously tapping the snooze button and falling back to sleep.
4. The new way to treat a bad cough is to take a large amount of laxatives – fear alone will silence even the whooping cough.
5. A smart man needs only two tools – a can of WD-40 and an ample supply of duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, apply WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
6. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you have an electrical problem.
* * *
FROM A READER:  A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?” The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?" The waitress nodded yes, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down, and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold mug of "Miller Light."  He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded yes, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer.  "On my bill," he said loudly.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him, and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and began to praise the Lord. Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him, and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, and he too began to praise the Lord.
Then, Jesus walked, with a huge smile on his face, towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me....... I'm on disability!"
* * *
ANOTHER E-MAIL: President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang. "Hello, President Obama" a heavily accented Southern voice said. "This is Jimmy Boy, down here at Bump's Catfish Shack, in Vicksburg, and I am callin' to tell ya'll that we are officially declaring war on y'all!"
"Well Jimmy Boy," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Jimmy Boy, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Tom, my next-door-neighbor and brother Gerald, and the whole dart team from JD's Bait Shop. That makes eight or maybe nine depending if Bump can close the store.
Barack paused. "I must tell you Jimmy Boy that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Jimmy Boy. "I'll have to call ya back!" 
Sure enough, the next day, Jimmy Boy called again. "Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Jimmy Boy?" Barack asked.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and my brother Mike's farm tractor."
President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Jimmy Boy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above", said Jimmy Boy, "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Jimmy Boy called again the next day. "President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
Well, sir," said Jimmy Boy, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over sweet tea, catfish, greens and pie and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed that many prisoners." 
* * *
JUST SENT IN: A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event. Addressing the Harley rider, he says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life."
The Harley rider replies, "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt was right."
The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed . I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?"
The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."
The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: "U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!"

...and that pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

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