Roy Exum: Let The Ribbing Begin

Monday, August 25, 2014 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

The college football season will begin this Thursday night and the game’s opening weekend will carry over every night but, just as surely as the swallows return to Capistrano, the water-fountain insults, the good-natured ribbing, and the jabs between rival fans will not wait that long.

So with a list of one-liners so old they are stale, here are some of the best lines you will hear as kickoff is less than a week away:

* * *

Georgia Coach Mark Richt on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of other words, either."

* * *

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

* * *

What does the average Florida player get on his SATs? Drool.

* * *

How many Missouri freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None -- That's a sophomore course.

* * *

How did the Mississippi State football player die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him.

* * *

Two Vanderbilt football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, "Look, a dead bird." The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"

* * *

A Kentucky football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident. He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death. Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.

* * *

What do you say to a Georgia football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise?"

* * *

If three Ole Miss football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer.

* * *

How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend? There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

* * *

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?  A full set of teeth.

** *

University of South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier is only going to dress half of his players for the game this Thursday night -- the other half will have to dress themselves.

* * *

How is the Arkansas football team like an opossum? They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

* * *

Why did the LSU linebacker steal a police car? He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.

* * *

How do you get a former Alabama football player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.

royexum@aol.com



Arnold Palmer Was A Great Role Model

Roy, thanks for an amazing tribute to Arnold Palmer. I grew up in Pennsylvania in the 60's and 70's and Arnie was one of my early heroes. I never had the pleasure to see him in a tournament. My Dad saw him once. Arnold is the epitome of a great role model when it comes to athletes. Tom Watson is another hero of mine as well. Arnie brought class and dignity to the game. He was ... (click for more)

Hillary Or Trump?

I do not accept simply asking myself which candidate would be best for me and my family when deciding which one I will vote for.  That is because I do not believe 100 percent of what either of them says.  Instead, I ask how each will go about setting policies, reaching goals and making decisions.  Hillary has made it clear that only she has the knowledge and experience ... (click for more)

City To Begin Shipping Much Of Its Garbage To Bradley County

City Public Works Administrator Justin Holland said the city plans to begin shipping much of its garbage to Bradley County. He said the deal is projected to extend the life of the city landfill at Birchwood by 15 years. Mr. Holland said Bradley County "has a huge landfill and takes garbage from Knoxville and other municipalities. It's regional." He said Bradley County charges ... (click for more)

Man Says He Did Nothing To Provoke Shooting At Bakewell Gas Station; Suspect Says Victim Was Coming Toward Him

A 33-year-old man who was shot in the face during a clash at a Bakewell gas station said he did nothing to provoke the shooting. The man charged said the victim cursed him, then started toward him. General Sessions Court Judge Clarence Shattuck, after a hearing on Tuesday, bound to the Grand Jury a charge of attempted first-degree murder against Donald Stuard II, 29, of Old Washington ... (click for more)

Smart Running: Vradenburgh, Boyd Win Again

There’s a lesson to be learned for those young folks who choose cross country as their sport in the fall:  It’s impossible to win a race in the first mile, but you can surely lose one in that same space. As anyone with much running experience can verify, the fastest person doesn’t always win.  Running smart and using a tactical approach with planned pacing often produces ... (click for more)

Signal Mountain Wins 7-AA After Beating Notre Dame

The Signal Mountain Lady Eagles took care of business at home Tuesday night as they swept visiting Notre Dame by scores of 25-15, 25-19 and 25-19 to claim first place in District 7-AA with a 10-0 district mark and 30-8 overall. Audrie Johnson had 11 kills while Kate Barry added 17 digs and 11 assists.  Nicole Terfloth finished with 18 digs and three aces for the winners ... (click for more)