Roy Exum: Let The Ribbing Begin

Monday, August 25, 2014 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

The college football season will begin this Thursday night and the game’s opening weekend will carry over every night but, just as surely as the swallows return to Capistrano, the water-fountain insults, the good-natured ribbing, and the jabs between rival fans will not wait that long.

So with a list of one-liners so old they are stale, here are some of the best lines you will hear as kickoff is less than a week away:

* * *

Georgia Coach Mark Richt on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of other words, either."

* * *

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

* * *

What does the average Florida player get on his SATs? Drool.

* * *

How many Missouri freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None -- That's a sophomore course.

* * *

How did the Mississippi State football player die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him.

* * *

Two Vanderbilt football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, "Look, a dead bird." The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"

* * *

A Kentucky football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident. He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death. Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.

* * *

What do you say to a Georgia football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise?"

* * *

If three Ole Miss football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer.

* * *

How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend? There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

* * *

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?  A full set of teeth.

** *

University of South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier is only going to dress half of his players for the game this Thursday night -- the other half will have to dress themselves.

* * *

How is the Arkansas football team like an opossum? They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

* * *

Why did the LSU linebacker steal a police car? He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.

* * *

How do you get a former Alabama football player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.

royexum@aol.com



Funding For The ISIS Conflict

Since it seems inevitable that the United States  will once again beinvolved in a Middle East conflict that will never have any resolution, may I present an idea about the funding for this engagement  that has not been bantered?     Despite the fact that no Middle Eastern country will commit troops to fight ISIS, considering that ISIS is much ... (click for more)

The Republican War On Public Schools

Today’s education summit and its focus on Common Core is just a minor skirmish that ignores the major battles being waged by Republicans in their on-going War on Public Schools. This administration’s education policies feed fat cats while starving students and teachers. Out-of-state corporations and in-state segregation academies are pilfering, plundering, and profiting from the ... (click for more)

Woman Stabbed Multiple Times On Cleveland Avenue Early Thursday Morning

A woman was stabbed multiple times early Thursday morning. At approximately 3 a.m., Chattanooga Police responded to 2104 Cleveland Ave. for a stabbing. Officers located a black female in the roadway suffering from multiple stab wounds. The victim was transported to a local hospital by HCEMS for her injuries and is in stable condition. Investigators have not been able to ... (click for more)

City Council Taking Applications From Those Interested In Serving On City IDB

The City Council is taking applications from those interested in serving on the city industrial Development Board (IDB).   There are four vacancies on the board that has been in the news for its controversial approval and re-approval of $9 million in Tax Increment Financing (TIF) for developers of Aetna Mountain. Resumes are due by Sept. 29.   ... (click for more)

Hill, Wolfe Help Central Hand East Ridge First 6-AA Loss

On Tuesday, Central dropped its first District 6-AA volleyball match to Hixson. Two days later the Lady Purple Pounders did the same to East Ridge. With Rebekah Hill and Skyler Wolfe leading the rebound from Tuesday’s loss, Central swept East Ridge 3-0 and remained in the hunt for their second straight district championship. Set scores were 25-14, 25-16, 25-22. “The ... (click for more)

Lee Davis A Successful Runner Among Other Things

Lee Davis grew up in Philadelphia, went to college at Elizabethton College in Central Pennsylvania and graduated from law school at Boston University. He also became a pretty good runner during that time. Davis is a high-profile attorney in Chattanooga who does something physical every day.   He doesn’t train like he once did and he doesn’t even like to talk about ... (click for more)