Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, December 16, 2017 - by Roy Exum

This week, as two men greeted one another at the steps leading to a holiday party, one said, “My wife is angel,” this in keeping with the season. The other replied, “You’re lucky … mine is still alive.”

Once inside, the two walked into this conversation – “We had a power outage at our house this morning. So, my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad and new surround sound music system were all shut down. Then I discovered that my mobile phone battery was dead and, to top it off, it was raining outside - so I couldn't play golf. I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then remembered this also needs power, so I just sat and talked with my wife for a couple of hours. She seems like such a nice person.”

Later at the party, the single man spotted a pretty nurse from Erlanger Hospital and asked, “What would it take for me to get a kiss from you underneath the mistletoe?" The nurse, with a precious look on her face, answered in one word: “anesthesia.”

With no further drumroll, here are “The Saturday Funnies” which I gather from the funny things that are sent to my email inbox each week:

* * *

TEN THINGS I KNOW ABOUT YOU

1) You are reading this.    

2) You are human.

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.    

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun-loving person and everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.  You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the older category.

Have a great Day. Laugh, and then laugh and sing "It's a Beautiful Morning" even when it's not.

"Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."

* * *

YOU KNOW YOU ARE AN EXTREME REDNECK WHEN . . .

1) You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2) The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3) You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws

4) You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5) You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6) Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

7) You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8) Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9) Your junior prom offered day care.

10) You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'

11) You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded, right off its wheels.

12) The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13) You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14) One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15) You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16) You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17) You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

And in closing …

Two good ol' boys in an Arkansas trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local horse-trailer manufacturing plant. After a while the first guy says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The second guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even!"

* * *

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN “POTENTIALLY” AND “REALISTICALLY” …

A young boy went to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Y’know what?  I’ll give you an assignment, and you’ll find out by yourself. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. And finally, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I’d sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" Immediately, the young man said "Of course. Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.  His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and realistically'”?

The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but, realistically, we're living with two hookers and a future congressman . . ."

* * *

16 UNDENIABLE FACTS I’VE LEARNED AS I GROW OLD

As I get older, I realize …

No. 1 -- I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.

No. 2 -- I consider “On Trend” to be the clothes that still fit.

No. 3 -- I don't need anger management. I need people to stop p***ing me off.

No. 4 -- My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots that needs work.

No. 5 -- The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."

No. 6 -- I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.

No. 7 -- These days, “on time” is when I get there.

No. 8 -- Even duct tape can't fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.

No. 9 -- Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

No. 10 -- Lately, I've noticed people my age are so much older than me.

No. 11 -- "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why I'm there.

No. 12 -- When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment.  Now it feels like a mini vacation.

No. 13 -- Some days I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed.

No. 14 -- I thought growing old would take longer.

No. 15 -- Aging sure has slowed me down, but it hasn't shut me up.

No. 16 -- I still haven't learned to act my age.

* * *

NEXT WEEK IS ‘WINTER SOLSTICE’

Winter will officially begin this Thursday at 11:38 a.m. (EST) and – believe it or not – it is one of the more eventful times of the year. The day is known as Winter Solstice. According to the Old Farmer’s Almanac: “The word solstice comes from Latin sol “sun” and sistere “to stand still.” In the Northern Hemisphere, as summer advances to winter, the points on the horizon where the Sun rises and sets advance southward each day; the high point in the Sun’s daily path across the sky, which occurs at local noon, also moves southward each day.

“At the winter solstice, the Sun’s path has reached its southernmost position. The next day, the path will advance northward. However, a few days before and after the winter solstice, the change is so slight that the Sun’s path seems to stay the same, or stand still. The Sun is directly overhead at “high-noon” on Winter Solstice at the latitude called the Tropic of Capricorn.”

royexum@aol.com



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