Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

As we realize this is the last edition of The Saturday Funnies for 2017, the suggestion was made to give our older readers a test to make sure they could remember things from way back when. No, this isn’t a state-issued test. They have tried to come up with a standardized test for our children and are oh-for-three. That’s an out in the Saturday Funnies. In keeping with Auld Lang Syne, let’s start with a look back. You know how this works: I am in no way responsible for this wit but gather what I am sent each week on the Internet with some of my friends who love to laugh. (Yes, there will be a test!)

* * *

WE THOUGHT OUR VERY MATURE READERS MIGHT ENJOY THIS  . . .

(Note: The author is unknown.)

'Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?' 

'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him. 'All the food was slow.' 'C'mon, seriously. ‘Where did you eat?'

'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained.

'Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to ask for permission to leave the table.   But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it.

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, never wore Levis, never set foot on a golf course, never traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck.

Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore.  Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed – slow. We didn't have a television in our house until I was 19.   It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m. and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.

I was 21 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie.'

When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home but milk was every morning.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers -- my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which he got to keep 2 cents. He had to get up at 6AM every morning. On Saturday, he had to collect the 42 cents from his customers. His favorite customers were the ones who gave him 50 cents and told him to keep the change. His least-favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren … just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES FROM A FRIEND: My Dad was cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many of these do you remember?

* -- Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.

* -- Ignition switches on the dashboard.

* -- Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.

* -- Real ice boxes, where a block of ice inside would do the work.

* -- Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.

* -- Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.

* -- Using hand - signals for cars without turn signals.

THE MEMORY TEST --  

This is on the honor system. Please count those only items you personally remember, not the ones you were told about. The ratings are at the end:

1. Blackjack chewing gum

2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water

3. Candy cigarettes

4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles

5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside jukeboxes

6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers

7. Party lines on the telephone

8.  Newsreels before the movie

9.  P.F. Flyers

10. Butch wax

11. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows resumed the next morning. (There were only 3 channels and each opened with the National Anthem.)

12.  Peashooters

13. Howdy Doody

14. 45 RPM records

15. S&H Geen Stamps

16.  Hi-fi's

17. Metal ice trays with lever

18.  Mimeograph paper

19. Blue flashbulbs (you could peel away the protective coating if you didn’t bite your finger nails.

20.  Packards

21. Roller-skate keys

22. Cork popguns

23.  Drive-ins

24.  Studebakers

25. Wash tub wringers

- - -

If you remembered 0-5  = You're still young

If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older

If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,

If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

- - -

Yes, I am older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

* * *

WHAT IS FUNNY TO A KID BECOMES THE TRUTH TO AN ADULT

1. It Is more fun to color outside the lines.

2. If you're gonna’ draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.

3. Ask why until you understand.

4. Hang on tight.

5. Even if you've been fishing for three hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.

6. Make up the rules as you go along.

7. It doesn't matter who started it.

8. Ask for sprinkles.

9. If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.

10. Save a place in line for your friends.

11. Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.

12. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.

13. Always keep banging until someone opens the door.

14. Making your bed is a waste of time.

15. There is no good reason why clothes have to match.

16. Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.

17. You work so hard pedaling up the hill that you hate to brake on the way down.

18. You can't ask to start over just because you're losing the game.

* * *

HERE’S ONE ‘SPELL CHECKER’ SADLY MISSED

Let me tell you, friends, that one simple spelling mistake--even a typo--can make your life hell.

I recently texted a short, romantic note to my wife while I was away on a fishing trip, and I missed one small "e". No problem you might say. Not so. This tiny error has caused me to seek police protection to enter my own house.

I wrote, "Hi darling, I’m enjoying and experiencing the best time of my whole life, and I wish you were her.”

* * *

HERE’S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A POLICE OFFICER ‘PROFILES’ A SUSPECT

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.  She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car.”

* * *

HERE’S WHAT HAPPPENS WHEN A STATE TROOPER ‘PROFILES’ A SUSPECT

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver. 'You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?'

The driver said, 'No problem. Have at it.'

Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie state trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo. He got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.

The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused himself and went back to his car to radio his supervisor. 'I know we are supposed to enforce the law … But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.'

The supervisor asked, 'Is it the governor?'

The young trooper said, 'No, he's more important than that.'

The supervisor said, 'Oh, so it's the president,'

 Only to hear the trooper reply, 'No, he's even more important than that.'

The supervisor finally asked, 'Well then, who is it?'

The young trooper said, 'I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'

* * *

A HONEST COWBOY GOES TO HEAVEN …

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates where Saint Peter asked him, “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?"

The cowboy pondered only a second before he answered, "Well, I can think of one thing … On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.  I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.  So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.  I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!'"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Couple of minutes ago."

* * *

ALWAYS TRY TO HAVE SOME FUN EACH DAY YOU CAN

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. For example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about five minutes. When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on son, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. I called him a mangy dog from a fatherless mother.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at our age.

royexum@aol.com