Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, July 8, 2017 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

Before we launch into this week’s funnies, allow me to share an inspirational note I just got from Dale Brown. Coach Brown, who became one of my favorite people when he coached basketball at Louisiana State, shared this: “I just watched a Netflix documentary, ‘The Human Experience’ that I highly recommend to you. This documentary vividly displays that every single person on earth, no matter what their present circumstances are in life, have a future and can find happiness if they never give up. 

“It has been proven over and over, that we are all capable of changing our life if we change our mental attitude. The greatest power in the world is our power to choose. William James - considered to be one of the great philosophers of all time - said, "The most important discovery ever made, is that you can change your life if you change your mental attitude." 

“Each of us is responsible for the person we become. We can allow circumstances to control our lives; or we can permit ourselves to be pushed, pulled, dismayed, or frustrated by events, or we can learn to control our circumstances; and make things happen the way that we want them to happen; and make ourselves happy, peaceful, and successful. 

“Our attitude controls our life. Impossible is a word only to be found in the dictionary of fools. It has been said that the mind is its own place, and in itself can make a Heaven of Hell, or a Hell of Heaven. Self-pity is the most destructive way to not find happiness. 

“After viewing ‘The Human Experience,’ I believe you will be stimulated to live every day fully. As with any journey, sometimes just the magnitude of it will overwhelm you. What you have to remember is that the impossible is what nobody can do, until somebody does it and that somebody is you because God has never made any junk!” 

Never quit, Dale 

* * * 

* -- [Humanity] has unquestionably one really effective weapon—laughter. Power, money, persuasion, supplication, persecution—these can lift at a colossal humbug—push it a little—weaken it a little, century by century, but only laughter can blow it to rags and atoms at a blast. Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand. — Mark Twain 

* -- A good laugh heals a lot of hurts. — Madeleine L’Engle 

* -- A good laugh is a mighty good thing, a rather too scarce a good thing. — Herman Melville 

* -- A good laugh is sunshine in the house. — William Thackeray 

* -- A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. — Phyllis Diller 

* -- A smile starts on the lips, a grin spreads to the eyes, a chuckle comes from the belly; but a good laugh bursts forth from the soul, overflows, and bubbles all around. — Carolyn Birmingham 

*  -- A well-balanced person is one who finds both sides of an issue laughable. — Herbert Procknow 

* -- Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand. — Mark Twain 

* -- Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine. — Lord Byron 

* -- Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh. — W. H. Auden 

* * * 

This is quite simple, so easy it works in any husband-wife relationship. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system: 

Simple Duties
You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-10)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-3)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
You also return with a large bottle of Jack Daniels. (-5) 

Protective Duties
You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5)
You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)
It's her pet Schnauzer. (-20) 

Social Engagements
You stay by her side for the entire party. (+1)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer. (-10)
Tina has breast implants. (-40) 

Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2)
And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and by the time you get home your entire head is painted bright orange with a big, white Power-T covering your eyebrows, your nose and your kissable lips. (-10)

A Night Out

You take her to a movie. (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+5)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15) 

Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-80) 

The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
(Yes, you lose points no matter what you answer)
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
You give any other response. (-20) 

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000) 

* * * 

A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38. The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for each one. 

The Chinese guy buys 25 bras. 

He returns a few days later and this time orders 50. 

The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each. 

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of 50 and this time for $75.00 each.  The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?" 

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps (Yarmulkes) to Jewish men for $200.00 each."  

This is why the Chinese own us. 

* * * 

Police Intelligence Sources in California say that radical Muslims are planning to kill every U.S. Citizen in Los Angeles. Police officials fear the death toll could go as high as 9. 

* * * 

Please remember the funny stories are those sent to me over the Internet and, unless noted, I do not know their origin.

SPIED ON THE FOURTH -- This is mankind's ingenuity at its best. Due to the proximity of the fire, the ice in the tank will melt just about the time the burgers and beer are gone. So, just twist the handle and the fire goes out! Is this a great country or what?
SPIED ON THE FOURTH -- This is mankind's ingenuity at its best. Due to the proximity of the fire, the ice in the tank will melt just about the time the burgers and beer are gone. So, just twist the handle and the fire goes out! Is this a great country or what?

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