Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Friday, August 25, 2017
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

I totally admit I do not comprehend the racial correlation of monuments and slavery but yearn to do my part in the reunification of all people. I have talked to my friends and family about something of service that I could do and, while I do not associate pictures with feelings, perhaps I have learned of a way to make any offensive images of slavery disappear. I have found one way that is guaranteed. My organization has a proven plan already in place.

You know that George Washington, America’s first president, was a slave owner; his picture appears on every $1 bill. Slavery owner Thomas Jefferson is on the rarely-used $2 bill and Andrew Jackson, also a former president and native son of Tennessee, appears on a $20 bill. They owned slaves, too.

On the $50 bill is Ulysses S. Grant – his wife owned five -- and on the $100 bill is Benjamin Franklin, yep you got it – a slave owner as well. I know this makes some quite sad and quite morose.

Rejoice pilgrim! I have a number of friends who can make such cash disappear before you can blink. If you will send offensive currency to me – presto – I know guys who are into women, gambling and other loose habits. I assure you drugs will not be involved. Due to discretion, there will be no receipts or acknowledgements, of course, but please be satisfied in the knowledge that by turning in any offensive currency this will aid me and my confederates in the removal of tainted money.

With no further ado, let’s look at this Saturday’s edition of the funnies.

* * *

A DUMB FRESHMAN AT A FOOTBALL GAME

A very self-important college freshman was attending a recent football game.  He took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.  "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars.  We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing, and....," pausing to take another drink of beer.

The senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son.  We didn't have those things when we were young ... so we invented them.  Now, you arrogant little jerk, what are you doing for the next generation?"

The applause was deafening.

* * *

B.I.B.L.E. = BASIC INSTRUCTIONS BEFORE LEAVING EARTH

A Church goers wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday.

He wrote: "I've gone for 30 years now, and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons, but for the life of me, I can't remember a single one of them. So, I think I'm wasting my time, the preachers and priests are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all".

This started a real controversy in the "Letters to the Editor" column.

Much to the delight of the editor, it went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher:

"I've been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But, for the life of me, I cannot recall the entire menu for a single one of those meals.

But I do know this: They all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me these meals, I would be physically dead today.

Likewise, if I had not gone to church for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today!"

When you are DOWN to nothing, God is UP to something!

Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible & receives the impossible!

Thank God for our physical and our spiritual nourishment!

If you cannot see God in all – you can’t see God at all.

* * *

THE LADY, THE BOY & THE $15 PORSCHE

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for $15.00?" they asked.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for $15.00." 

"Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly tending to the flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there! Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his Porsche and send him the money. So that's exactly what I did."

* * *

HELP SPREAD THE STUPIDITY

Only in This Stupid World do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 

Only in This Stupid World do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet Coke. 

Only in This Stupid World do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 

Only in This Stupid World do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 

Only in This Stupid World do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 

Only in This Stupid World do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. 

* * *

THESE ARE THE THINGS THE SAVVY PEOPLE WORRY ABOUT

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? 

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? 

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word? 

Why it is that Doctors call what they do 'practice'? 

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? 

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker? 

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? 

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? 

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? 

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? 

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! 

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? 

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? 

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 

* * *

A LETTER TO THE EDITOR

I will gladly treat anyone to dinner at Hennen’s who can explain this to me. Seems like two post-graduate degrees and common sense cannot find the answer; maybe I should get my money back?

"Black people who were never slaves are fighting white people who were never Nazis over a confederate statue erected by democrats, because democrats can't stand their own history anymore and somehow it's Trumps fault?“ Explain that.

Even "Single Malt Scotch Therapy" has failed.

* * *

ANOTHER LETTER TO THE EDITOR

I was thinking today about Bryant's Grove at Longhunter State Park. It was named for a black plantation owner, Sherrod Bryant, who among other things was a slave owner. There is a Tennessee State Plaque at Bryant's Grove which mentions that he owned slaves. He was featured in a turn of the century black publication telling of his accomplishments and also tells of his owning slaves. He died in 1854 and his family carried on his endeavors until the War Between the States. 

When we moved the state monument from a blind curve on Couchville Pike to Bryant's Grove while I was Park Manager, his descendants came from Michigan for the plaques unveiling in its new location. They are very proud of Sherrod. 

There is an area near the Airport in Nashville known as Bryant's Town. He also had a home where the opera house in Nashville now stands. 

Question:  How does the politically correct crowd handle the history of black slave owners?

* * *

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FOR SENIOR CITIZENS

This is a great deal.  If you were age 62 before August 31 and a U.S. citizen, you can purchase a Lifetime Pass to all of our great national parks for only $10.  After August 31, the price increases to $80.  The pass includes your spouse and maybe other family members. You can go to the Point Park on Lookout Mountain and buy one, the National Battlefield doesn't sell them. You can also buy them online for a fee.  Here is a website with more information: https://www.nps.gov/planyourvisit/senior-pass-changes.htm 

* * *

WHAT A WONDERFUL ESSAY BEFORE THE 2018 ELECTION

Recently I received a questionnaire and request for money from the Republican Party and strongly agree with every question, as I have since Obama was elected. Unfortunately the one question that was missing is:

What have the Republicans done for the American people?

We gave you a majority in the House and Senate, and you never listened to us. Now you want our money, my money, more money. You should be more concerned about our votes, not our money.

You are the establishment which means all you want is to save your jobs and line your pockets.

Well guess what? It's not going to happen. So far, President Trump hasn't asked for a dime.

You might think we are fools because you feel Trump is on a self-destruct course, but look beyond Washington and listen to the masses. Nobody has achieved what he has, especially in the state of New York.

Here's why I want Trump. Yes, he's a bit of a jerk; yes, he's an egomaniac; but I don't care.

      The country is a mess because all politicians are do-nothings

      The Republican Party is two-faced and gutless, and illegals are everywhere.

      I want it all fixed!

      I don't care that Trump is crude.

      I don't care that he insults people.

      I don't care that he has changed positions.

     I don't care that he's been married 3 times.

      I don't care that he fights with Megan Kelly and Rosie O’Donnell.

      I don't care that he doesn't know the name of some Muslim terrorist.

Our country has become weak, and bankrupt. Our enemies are making fun of us. We are being invaded by illegals. We are becoming a nation of victims where every Tom, Ricardo and Hassid is a special group with special rights to a point where we don't even recognize the country we were born and raised in, "AND I JUST WANT IT FIXED!"

* * *

I’m the same way. Have a great weekend.

royexum@aol.com



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