Cranfield Rowell: Join The Campaign To Get Rid Of Balloons

Thursday, January 11, 2018

I don’t remember how old I was when I first was given a balloon. I imagine it was a few moments after I had seen a balloon for the first time. Have you ever seen the look on a child’s face when it first sees a balloon? It doesn’t matter who is holding it (a parent, an older sibling, a clown) every child looks at the balloon with a facial expression that says, “What the heck is that?!?” It’s a look of confusion; a look easily misinterpreted as awe.

This is usually when the holder of the balloon decides to put the string in the child’s hand. What happens then? The child, being completely clueless on the essence of proper balloon care and handling, releases the string. The balloon flies off, as the child watches the new mystery leave its life. Now the child is trapped in a glass case of confused emotions.

I ask you, why do parents do this to children? What is the point of a balloon? I understand hot air balloons. They can be a fun way to sightsee and travel, or be a creative way to accidentally end one’s life. Toy balloons have no reason to exist at all.

The first toy balloons were created by Michael Faraday, the scientist who first studied electromagnetism, to store gases. That is where balloons should have stayed. People used to inflate the bladders of animals (after they were removed from the animal posthumously). Faraday discovered a way to use rubber instead. At some point, a scientist, or a janitor who envied his scientist boss, noticed the effects helium had while it was inside a balloon. I’m sure this person immediately felt like Jed Clampett discovering oil.

We all know what happened next. A group of men who had the hobby of painting their faces white and dressing up in weird clothes in order to run from the hardships of life (we call them clowns) figured out that children would be amazed by these inventions. Soon these men were handing them to confused children. Parents, unaware of emotional responses that reside in a face, starting giving them to children, the people they ‘love’. Droves of children watched as they were reluctantly given a task, then mess that task up.

I ask you… what is the point of a balloon? They may be cool to look at for 10 seconds, then they become a vehicle of stress. “I better not let it go. I hope it floats for a while longer. Should I move with it? How do I switch hands if my hand gets tired… how quick do I need to be in the transition?” What happens when that balloon floats away? It busts somewhere else. Then an animal tries to build a pimp house with it, but ends up building its own coffin.

You know what you’re saying to a kid when you hand that child a balloon? “Here, have some responsibility.” Nothing builds character in a human being like life having stress thrown in his or her lap.

Sure, filling a balloon with water may be fun. Throwing that balloon at someone can be too. I was once hit in the eye with a green water balloon. It was similar to being hit in the face with an airborne pregnant turtle while its water broke. (Do they do that?) I cried, from my now only one good eye.

I urge people to take a stand against balloons. Much like candy corn, they trick children into thinking they are good for them. They aren’t at all. Let’s start a petition to get rid of these disasters! Balloons are killing society and tainting the emotional growth of children! End them!

Cranfield Rowell

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