Cranfield Rowell: Girl Scout Cookie Tactics Are Patently Unfair

Tuesday, January 30, 2018 - by Cranfield Rowell

I am a big advocate of youth organizations, sports, and programs. I find that all three incorporate activities that are quite beneficial to any child. They help the development of integral social skills, show the importance of team work, form the will to embrace responsibilities, and nurture an underlying positive attitude. Is there any better feeling for a parent than getting to watch their child mold and sharpen the tools that are imperative for adulthood? It’s exciting to watch a child join an organization or sport where they learn new skills.

“Thanks to the Boy Scouts Billy tied a knot strong enough to withstand pulling a confused grizzly bear out of quicksand!”

“Girls For Change gave Jessica the confidence to start a fundraiser to make every park bicycle biodegradable!”

“The Girl Scouts taught Wendy how to ambush people in front of shopping centers, smile and bat her eyes, and sweetly ask for money in exchange for a small box of moderately unhealthy cookies! They try to run, but those poor souls don’t get far!”

Wait… what?

Yes. I said it. The Girl Scouts are teaching young girls how to use their innate charm and innocence for evil. I applaud the impact the Girl Scouts organization has had in the growth of many great leaders. Almost every female astronaut in history has been a Girl Scout. A great majority of Congresswomen and politicians have been Girl Scouts. The organization is obviously doing great things in the development of strong women. The Girl Scouts teach drive, perseverance and confidence, but I don’t agree with the initiation period required for developing those qualities. It’s like a man gaining confidence, sharpening his hand-eye coordination, and using his keen sight to watch for potential threats by robbing banks, you know, to pay for medical school.

Girl Scout cookies are great. You can’t just eat one. Thin mints are heavenly cavities. Peanut butter cookies might as well be baked nicotine. Every cookie tastes incredible. Every young Girl Scout knows it. She knows you know it. She’s your dealer. You’ve been strong for almost a year, but she knows you weaken when she flashes one of her rectangle boxes of savory shame.

I do admit that I have purposely left my wallet in the car, taking just a small amount of cash with me into the store. At times, I have made the mistake of carrying my wallet with me. Then you hear it. “Do you want some Girl Scout cookies?” You turn around to be greeted by the smile of a cute girl. If there is more than one girl… well… game over. If you watch closely you can watch the Girl Scout transform into Charon of Greek mythology. You can’t board the boat to cross into the great beyond without payment. The transformation starts at eye contact. Before you know it, you’re broke. The truth is that you’ve been mugged.

I do understand that Girl Scout cookies are used for fundraisers. But isn’t there something else your talented Girl Scouts can sell? Who knows what the Girl Scouts are using with all the profits. I hope they’re rebuilding the ozone layer with some device I can write my initials on to show my loyal contributions to the Girl Scouts of America.

The Girl Scouts do great things for girls and women worldwide. While I question their tactics, I can’t argue their results. Especially since it is very difficult to argue while eating two thin mints.

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