Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, June 16, 2018 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

The friendly folks at Dictionary.com sent out a collection of quotes about fathers, this to make sure we are prepared to honor the nation’s dads tomorrow. They said the quotes are much more worldly than the corny jokes that Dads the world over would share at the dinner table but what they failed to grasp is the fact Pop’s one-liners are so bad they are funny.

So, this week’s edition of the Saturday Funnies will begin a bit ‘worldly’ before the ‘funny’ starts. Kindly remember the ‘Funnies’ are a collection of some of the humor that arrives in my email and that I didn’t author any of what you will read in the Funnies.

And, yes, every father who will spend tomorrow with his family is invited to pick out any three from the dinner table section and fling ‘em out at will over Sunday lunch. First, the quotes from Dictionary.com:

* -- “A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God? -- Stephen Colbert in ‘I Am America’

* -- “Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories.” -- John Wilmot

* -- “Saturday mornings, I’ve learned, are a great opportunity for kids to sneak into your bed, fall back asleep, and kick you in the face.” -- Dan Pearce, in ‘Single Dad Laughing’

* -- “I know, from the three visits I made to him, the blended composite of love and fear that exists only in a boy's notion of his father.”  -- Donald Miller, in ‘Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality’

* -- “He promised us that everything would be okay. I was a child, but I knew that everything would not be okay. That did not make my father a liar. It made him my father.” -- Jonathan Safran Foer in ‘Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close’

* -- "Oh, Phillip when you smile I am undone, my son...Look at my son...Pride is not the word I'm looking for...There is so much more inside me now" -- Lin-Manuel Miranda

* -- “A man who is not a father to his children can never be a real man.” -- Mario Puzo in ‘The Godfather’

* -- “He wipes tears off my face and then snot. He uses his hands. He loves me that much.” -- Nina LaCour in ‘Hold Still’

* -- “One of my hardest jobs as a father, one of my greatest duties, was to realize that my own dreams, my own goals and wishes, are secondary to my children's.” -- Rick Riordan in ‘The Red Pyramid’

* -- “You can't love your mother or father if you don't also have the capacity to grieve their deaths and, perhaps even more so, grieve parts of their lives.” -- Glenn Beck in ‘The 7: Seven Wonders That Will Change Your Life’

* -- “I believe that what we become depends on what our fathers teach us at odd moments, when they aren’t trying to teach us." -- Umberto Eco

*  -- "'There’s no shame in fear,’ my father told me, ‘what matters is how we face it.'" -- George R.R. Martin in ‘A Clash of Kings’

* -- "I gave my father $100 and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So, he went out and bought a present for my mother." -- Rita Rudne

* -- "Learn something well so you can always make a living." -- Sherwood Anderson

* -- "My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person; he believed in me." -- Jim Valvano

* -- "My dad used to say that living with regrets was like driving a car that only moved in reverse." -- Jodi Picoult

* -- "My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it." -- Clarence Budington Kelland

*  -- "When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years." -- Mark Twain

* * *

15 OF DAD’S WORST LINES AT THE DINNER TABLE

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.

I’ll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant

Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.

* * *

15 MORE OF DAD’S WORST LINES AT THE DINNER TABLE

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"

5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"

What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket ... You can hide but you can't run.

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.

* * *

A BOY’S LETTER TO HIS FATHER: ‘SHE’S PREGNANT’

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then he saw, propped up prominently on the pillow, an envelope that was addressed to “Dear Dad.”

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and started reading the letter:

“Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because…

I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion, Dad, she’s pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy together. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby. In the meantime, we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don’t worry, Dad. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your Son,

John

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. My report card is on my desk and just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than this report card. I love you. Call me when it’s safe to come home.

~ Author Unknown ~

royexum@aol.com



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