Roy Exum
Before we dive into this week’s edition of “The Saturday Funnies,” I need to be up-front; it is all part of the fun that I am going to ask my more liberal friends and readers to consider skipping this week – either that or put on your ‘thick skin.’ The television shows like Saturday Night Live have taught us that politics can be funny, real funny, or sometimes cause a fist fight. These stories are for ‘entertainment only’ and if you are an advocate of “the politically correct,” I have no apology other than the belief that if we can laugh together, we can live together.
The funniest things that came in my email this week were some stories that have a decidedly political edge. I pass them along because I think they are funny regardless of where we might individually stand. Understand, I didn’t write these stories. They appear in the exact way they are received in my daily bundle of merriment. While I do not wish to offend anybody, I simply can’t help it – stories like this make me giggle and I hope you’ll share in this American humor.
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AN ESSAY: WHY MANKIND INVENTED BEER AND THE WHEEL
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.
Beer required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer and vice versa. These two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals.
2. Conservatives.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were less skilled at hunting (called 'vegetarians' which was an early human word meaning 'bad hunter') learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men “evolved” into women. Others became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.
Modern Liberals like special flavored beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine spritzers or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: many liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community organizers are liberals. Liberals meddled in our national pastime and invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are members of the military, big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true believers and to just make more liberals mad.
And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self, I'm going to grab a few beers and grill some steaks! Right after I forward this message.
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WHAT HAPPENED WHEN SHE SAID, ‘DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?’
The radio station America FM was doing one of its 'Is Anyone Listening?' bits this morning. The first question was; ever have a celebrity come up with the 'Do you know who I am? ' routine?'
A woman called in and said that a few years ago, while visiting her cattle rancher uncle in Bozeman, Mt., she had occasion to go to dinner at a restaurant that does not take reservations. The wait was about 45 minutes. Many local ranchers and their wives were waiting.
Ted Turner and his ex-wife Jane Fonda came in the restaurant and wanted a table. The hostess informed them that they'd have to wait 45 minutes. Jane Fonda asked the hostess, 'Do you know who I am?' The hostess answered, 'Yes, but you'll have to wait 45 minutes.'
Then Jane asked if the manager was in. When the manager came out, he asked, 'May I help you?' 'Do you know who we are?' both Ted and Jane asked. 'Yes, but these folks have been waiting, and I can't put you ahead of them.'
Then Ted asked to speak to the owner. The owner came out, and Jane again asked, 'Do you know who I am?' The owner answered, 'Yes, I do. Do you know who I am? I am the owner of this restaurant and I am a Vietnam veteran. Not only will you not get a table ahead of my friends and neighbors who have been waiting here, but you also will not be eating in my restaurant tonight or any other night. Good bye.'
Only in America, is this a great country or what?
To all who received this, this is a true story and the name of the steak house is Sir Scott's Oasis Steakhouse, 204 W. Main, Manhattan , MT 59741 (406) 284-6929
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Two blind bullies are fighting really viciously. How do you stop them? You shout, “I’m betting on the dude with the knife!”
royexum@aol.com