The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, September 22, 2018 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

Before we get into this week’s edition of The Saturday Funnies, I want to share a fun chunk of information that we can have a lot of fun with tonight. Our pals at the website timeanddate.com were good enough to pass along the fact today marks the September Equinox. And – get this -- if you play this right, it will be just like the farmer says: “On the field of opportunity, it’s plowin’ time again!”

Twice every year – in September and March – planet Earth has an equinox. Believe it or not, it doesn’t take all day for it to happen. Nope, it occurs in literally “the twinkling of an eye” when the sun shines exactly equal on the equator and day-and-night are the exact same.

The top half of earth celebrates the September equinox, also called the “autumnal equinox,” where summer turns to fall. At the same time, the “vernal (spring) equinox” happens in the southern hemisphere. You see, only two times during the year is the tilt of the earth’s axis at an angle of about 23.4” which puts the celestial equator (an imaginary line in the sky above the real equator) directly perpendicular to the sun’s rays.

What a magical moment just waiting for something big to happen!

Again, in the purest form the moment lasts only seconds and, because I know where to look and you don’t, that magic moment will be at precisely 9:54 pm EDT in Chattanooga tonight. Think of the possibilities? What fabulous time to propose, buy a lottery ticket, conceive a “sun,” say a prayer!! What if somebody you love is going through a rough spot and you were to tell them you care – right at 9:54 p.m.when a change is guaranteed. Are you kidding me?

Now, if you don’t live in Chattanooga (as a surprising number of my readers, believe it or not) go to the timeanddate.com website, fill in the information, and you’ll find out when your magical moment will be today. And if the stars don’t happen to align to fit your wish tonight, we’ll try again when the spring equinox will happen in Chattanooga on Wednesday, March 20, 2019 at 5:59 pm EDT

Here comes the fun stuff: As always, my disclaimer is that I don’t write The Saturday Funnies. I just pass along the merriment my readers share with me over the Internet. And, yes, on this First Day of Fall, I think we have some dandies:

* * *
A WIFE WITH NOTHING TO LOSE
During a company's annual family trip to a crocodile farm in Thailand... the eccentric Boss dared any of his employees to jump into the crocodiles infested pond... and swim to the shore. Anyone who survived the swim would be rewarded with $5 million... but if killed by the crocs... $2 million will be given to the next of kin.
For a long period of time no one dared take up the challenge... then suddenly a man jumped in...and swam frantically for his life towards shore pursued by the crocs...and luckily he made it unscathed.
When he managed to recover his breath... the man, who became instant millionaire, shouted asking who pushed him into the pond... Well, duh, it was his wife who did it!
And from that day...that was how the phrase... "Behind every successful man...there's a woman"...came about!

* * *
THE OLD MAN WHO HAD NO ENEMIES
All of us should live so long we could be like Walter Barnes. If not please put me in the church congregation when, toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
About 80% held up their hands.  The Minister then repeated his question.  All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.
"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual.  How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied, as the congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived every one of those awful (expletives.)”
Then he calmly returned to his seat.

* * *
THESE ARE THE ANSWERS BY SOME NFL PLAYERS ‘WHY THEY KNEEL’
In a recent polling of 585 NFL players, nearly all of them were unsure of exactly what they are protesting regarding the position of kneeling during the playing of the National Anthem. Here's a sampling of responses to the question: "What are you protesting by kneeling during the National Anthem?"
* -- “Pretty sure it's against Nazis - especially the white ones."
* -- "We're protesting America becoming capitalistic instead of equal."
* -- "I'm protesting against Trump saying black lives don't matter."
* -- “We're against global warming and the police."
* -- "We're showing the world that we care about, ah, things such as.... such as... ah, freedom from suppression?"
* -- "Me and my fellow players are protesting the Constitution of Independence because of what it does to people of color."
* -- "We are displaying our right to stand up by kneeling for our beliefs."
* -- "We are protesting Trump, because he, you know, keeping the black man down."
* -- "Myself is kneeling to show that just because I'm American don't mean I got to act like one."
Note: All the above comments are from National Football League players with four years in college. The average salary of an NFL players is $1,900,000 …… is this a great country or what !!!

* * *
MEN WILL UNDERSTAND … WOMEN WILL NOT
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados"
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time. My work is done here.

* * *
SHE SAID THERE WAS WATER IN THE CARBURETOR
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?”
WIFE: "In the pool".
* * *
THE JOY THAT COMES WITH HER FIRST CELL PHONE
A young man wanted to get his beautiful wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.
Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. “Hey Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

* * *
“HE MUST PAY … HE MUST PAY DEARLY … “
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No, darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you."
TODAY'S SHORT READING FROM THE BIBLE
From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."
Then He made the earth round and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

* * *
A SHORT, BUT BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married'.
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own (expletive) blanket!'
* * *
WISDOM RULE No. 34 -- "Don’t mix bad words with your bad mood. You'll have many opportunities to change a mood, but you'll never get the opportunity to replace the words you spoke." – Unknown.

royexum@aol.com


For The Benefit Of Soddy, Keep Rick Nunley, Robert Cothran

For the benefit of Soddy Daisy,  please keep Rick Nunley and Robert Cothran on the Soddy Daisy City Commission. Those are two men who have made the city of Soddy daisy great. Rick Nunley and Robert Cothran have both worked hard for the city. Please, re-elect Rick Nunley and Robert Cothran for Soddy Daisy City Commission. ... (click for more)

Stop Mahan Gap Sewer Plant - And Response

Hit the pause button, please.  Improved sewer service is needed in Hamilton County.  $3 million for 150 +/-  acres of flood plain and wildlife habitat is not the answer.  Let's find a better solution. If WWTA would justify their actions they wouldn’t have to defend themselves against angry mobs like at the recent public meeting.  ... (click for more)

Chattanooga Police Investigating Shooting That Victim Says Happened A Week Ago

Chattanooga Police responded to a local hospital on Friday evening after a person arrived with a gunshot wound.   The injured man told police he was shot on Thursday, Oct. 11. He said he was shot while on the dance floor of a club somewhere along Brainerd Road.   If you have any information about the incident, call Chattanooga Police at 423-698-2525. You ... (click for more)

Corker Doubtful On Latest Saudi Version Of Death Of Writer At Consulate In Istanbul

Senator Bob Corker, chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, on Friday expressed doubt about Saudi Arabia’s claims regarding the death of Jamal Khashoggi, a Saudi journalist and columnist for The Washington Post. He said, “The story the Saudis have told about Jamal Khashoggi’s disappearance continues to change with each passing day, so we should not assume their ... (click for more)

Mocs Soccer Ties VMI 2-2

The University of Tennessee at Chattanooga came back from a 2-0 deficit early with a pair of first half goals. The two teams battled it out for a draw in the season finale for both teams. The Mocs close out the year at 8-7-3 overall and 4-3-2 in league play, tied with Mercer for sixth in the standings. The Keydets are 6-8-2 on the year and 0-8-1 against the conference. “As ... (click for more)

Baylor, GPS, CCS Advance To State Soccer Semifinals

Baylor traveled to Briarcrest in Memphis on Saturday to compete for a Division II-AA final four spot.  After play to a 0-0 tie in the first half, Baylor would find itself down 1-0 in the 63rd minute when Anna Strong scored off a corner kick.  That lead did not last long as Ara Rhodes scored the game tying goal one minute later off an Avery David corner kick. Two minutes ... (click for more)