Roy Exum
The first full Saturday of college football begins just a week from today, but, after attending two funerals for those who died too young this week, allow me to seek out some funny things that have been said as I seek to assuage my sorrow. Here are some of my favorite college one-liners:
* * *
“At Georgia Southern, we don’t cheat. That cost money and we don’t have any.” Erk Russell of Georgia Southern.
“Football is only a game. Spiritual things are eternal. Nevertheless, Beat Texas.” A sign seen on a church in Texas.
“After you retire, there’s only one big event left …. and I ain’t ready for that.” Bobby Bowden / Florida State
“The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.” Lou Holtz while coaching at Arkansas.
“When you win, nothing hurts.” Joe Namath while playing at Alabama.
“Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated. “Lou Holtz at Arkansas.
“A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.” Frank Leahy of Notre Dame.
“There’s nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the h*** kicked out of you.” Woody Hayes of Ohio State.
“I don’t expect to win enough games to be put on a NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.” Bob Devaney of Nebraska.
“In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn’t believe in Bear Bryant. Wally Butts of Georgia
“You can learn more about character on the two-yard line than anywhere else in life.” Paul Dietzel at LSU.
“It’s kind of hard to rally around a math class.” Bear Bryant at Alabama.
When asked if Fayetteville, Ark., was the end of the world, Lou Holtz famously said, “No, but you can see
it from here.”
“I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game,” Bear Bryant of Alabama.
“There’s one sure way to stop us from scoring - give us the ball near the goal line.” Matty Bell of SMU.
“Lads, you’re not to miss practice unless your parents died or you died.” Frank Leahy of Notre Dame.
“I never graduated from Iowa, but I was only there for two terms – Truman’s and Eisenhower’s.” Alex Karras of Iowa
“My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad mood.” Bowden Wyatt of Tennessee
“I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades.” Duffy Daugherty of Michigan State.
“Always remember ….. Goliath was a 40-point favorite over David.” Shug Jordan of Auburn.
“They cut us up like boarding-house pie… and that’s real small pieces.” Darrell Royal of Texas.
“Show me a good and gracious loser, and I’ll show you a failure,” Knute Rockne of Notre Dame.
“They whipped us like a tied up goat.” Spike Dykes of Texas Tech
“I asked Darrell Royal, the football coach at Texas, why he didn’t recruit me and he said: “Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you weren’t any good.” Walt Garrison of Oklahoma State and the Dallas Cowboys.
“Son, you’ve got a good engine, but your hands aren’t on the steering wheel.” Bobby Bowden of Florida State
“Football is not a contact sport – it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.” Duffy Daugherty of Michigan State.
After Southern Cal once lost to Notre Dame, 51-0, USC coach John McKay told his players, “All those who need showers, take them.”
“If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.” Murray Warmath of Minnesota.
“The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb.” Knute Rockne of Notre Dame.
“Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard puke this afternoon.” Spike Dykes of Texas Tech
“It isn’t necessary to see a good tackle. You can hear it.” Knute Rockne of Notre Dame.
“We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches.” Darrell Royal of Texas.
“We didn’t tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking.” John McKay of Southern Cal.
“Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad.” Darrell Royal of Texas.
“I’ve found that prayers work best when you have big players.” Knute Rockne of Notre Dame.
“If anything goes bad, I did it. If anything goes semi-good, we did it. If anything goes really good, then you did it. That’s all it takes to get people to win football games for you.” Bear Bryant of Alabama
“I have yet to be in a game where luck was involved.“ Urban Meyer of Florida.
“When people used to see Wake Forest on the schedule, they used a pen to mark down a `W.’ We’re at the point now where we at least make them use a pencil.” Jim Grobe of Wake Forest.
“Here’s a twenty, bury two.“ Bear Bryant of Alabama after being asked to contribute ten dollars to help bury a sportswriter.
“But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet.” Florida’s Steve Spurrier after hearing a fire had destroyed 20 books in the Auburn library.
“I don’t hire anybody not brighter than I am. If they’re not brighter than I am, I don’t need them.“ Bear Bryant of Alabama.
royexum@aol.com