Roy Exum
Rachel Bachman is a female sports writer for the Wall Street Journal, which in itself is riddled with oxymora, but the truth is that she is darn good at what she does. Right now she’s got the state of Alabama all abuzz after she wrote an open letter in the WSJ’s Sunday editions to Auburn football coach Gus Malzahn begging him to bust No. 1 Alabama in the chops.
The way Rachel has it figured, the only thing that is standing between the Crimson Tide and their quest of a “three-peat” for the national title are Malzahn’s once-beaten Tigers. Auburn will host Alabama in what is generally regarded as college football's best rivalry on November 30 and, while Auburn already has its plate full with No. 25 Georgia visiting this weekend, Rachel – with the rest of us -- senses the best “Iron Bowl” in years.
The Alabama-Auburn game was played in Birmingham for many years, Legion Field not that far from the city’s steel mills thus the unique name, and, as one who watched over two dozen that featured the best college players ever, the annual game is as unpredictable and as exciting as any other venue in all of sports.
Rachel sets a similar stage in her first couple of paragraphs but then gets to the nitty gritty. “Alabama, which sits one game ahead of Auburn in the Southeastern Conference's West division, next plays at Mississippi State, then hosts lower-division Chattanooga—games for which the Tide should be favored by a combined 96 touchdowns,” she wrote.
“Meanwhile, the SEC's topsy-turvy East division is likely to send an overmatched team to play Alabama in the SEC championship, also known as the national-title play-in game.
“Coach, this is where you come in,” you can almost hear her giggle.
“Your Tigers host Alabama on Nov. 30, and could be the only thing standing between the Crimson Tide and yet another appearance in the national title game—which, I think we can agree, is getting a bit tedious. That's why you need to prevent it from happening. You need to take back the state of Alabama.”
Oh, mercy! Rachel reported today the Crimson Tide National has responded like a tsunami, calling her “Little Miss Muffet” and urging her to eat curds and whey, among other things.
Undeterred, the Wall Street journalist is believed to originally be from Oregon where today the green-and-yellow T-shirts reading “We Want Bama!” are being quietly shipped to rural villages in Africa. “Before the season began, when Auburn did not receive a single vote in preseason polls and Alabama was No. 1, the "Iron Bowl," as it's known, held all the suspense of a salmon wrestling a bear.
“But since your Tigers stomped Tennessee on Saturday to move to 9-1 and hold onto the No. 7 spot in the Associated Press poll, the game against Alabama has become far more intriguing. And all in your first year running a major college-football program, Coach!” our girl gushed.
“Alabama's coach, Nick Saban (you've probably heard of him), has said that the Tide do not always match up well with hurry-up, no-huddle offenses—your specialty, and an approach that has Auburn thriving this season. Johnny Manziel and Texas A&M nearly knocked off Alabama for a second year in a row with such mayhem, and your offense might be even more deceptive than the Aggies'.”
At another point she wrote, “You have an amazing opportunity, Coach. You'll have to get past a pesky Georgia team (this) Saturday in order to turn your game against Alabama into a tiebreaker for the SEC West title. But it can be done.”
Towards the end, Bachman pleaded for the game itself. “This issue is even bigger than the conference, if it's possible for anything to be bigger than the SEC. It's about college football. Florida State is back. Stanford and Baylor, of all programs, are pushing toward the top. Ohio State is clawing for a chance to get back to the title game—the last great hope of a flagging Big Ten Conference.
“Alabama is the only team that brings no mystery to the table. The Tide are simply so good, so methodical, that they seem to remove the element of chance. Without it, what's the fun of watching? But you, and Auburn, can change all that with one big game,” she ended, adding a “Sincerely” and her name.
That said, any of us in the Land of SEC Football could have saved her some stamps. Having witnessed Auburn and Georgia routinely upset each other for years – with the visiting team usually carrying the monkey wrench – I know the Bulldogs are more than “pesky.” But that was a dandy line, “ … all the suspense of a salmon wrestling a bear … “ and her presence in the often-drab Journal is truly a delight.
But just wait until she tries the same ploy with Saban and she dares ask him to take the Texas job. Oh mercy me.
royexum@aol.com