Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, October 7, 2017 - by Roy Exum

One of my favorite stories comes from the town square in Athens, Tn. It seems a man was sitting on a park bench one morning, reading the Daily Athenian. At the other end of the bench was a gorgeous collie dog, its leash tied to the arm of the bench while its owner went on a short errand.

Another man was walking into the courthouse and remarked how regal the colie appeared as it sat quietly. “Excuse me, sir … does your dog bite?”

The newspaper reader simply shook his head. But when the admirer reach to pet the collie’s head, the animal reacted in rage. Had it not been for the sturdy leash he would have been bitten for certain. “I thought you told me your dog doesn’t bite!”

The man with the newspaper promptly replied, “That ain’t my dog …”

Without further ado, let’s go to “The Saturday Funnies.” Understand these are not my words but some of the humor that arrives in my email every week:

* * *

BACK IN THE DAY WHEN KIDS WERE ALL “HOME-SCHOOLED”

Years ago when all the children in my neighborhood were growing up, it seemed like every mother and father had the same playbook. See if you remember any of these lessons:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My father taught me LOGIC.

"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My father taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9 My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. 

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My father taught me HUMOR.

“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.”

25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

This should only be sent to the over 60 crowd because the younger ones would not believe we truly were told these "EXACT" words by our parents…

* * *

FOUR WORMS IN THE SUNDAY SERMON

 A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . . Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead!

Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . Dead!

Fourth worm in good clean soil . . . Alive!

The Minister asked the congregation, "So, my friends? What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine, sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and burst, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service!

royexum@aol.com



Civil War II

These same people have been around with us for a very long time. See Ecclesiastes Chapter 10 Verse 2. " The wise man's understanding turns him to his right; the fool's understanding turns him to the left. Thus says the Lord." The rest of the chapter is also worth reading. Democrats, Liberals, Progressives are all the same, the only thing they want is power over people since they ... (click for more)

Transparency Needed In County Government

On Aug. 29 of last year, Jim Coppinger convened a press conference on the courthouse steps to announce that he was raising property taxes. The mayor and commission gave no notice; the deal was already done. Seven days later County Commission passed the tax hike on its first reading. Citizens were never invited to comment on the matter. Is this any way to run Hamilton County ... (click for more)

Voters May Decide In November On Whether To Eliminate City Court; Paving Fund Also Considered

Chattanooga voters in November may get to vote on whether City Court should be abolished. City Council members indicated during budget talks on Tuesday that may be an upcoming referendum question. Councilman Jerry Mitchell said he, for one, "would vote to eliminate it." However, he said the court would apparently run through 2021 when the eight-year terms of Judges Sherry ... (click for more)

Riverton Development Spurs Talk Of Riverwalk Along The Northshore

Development of the former BlueCross property at Lupton City is spurring talk of a Riverwalk on the Northshore. The City Council discussed the topic on Tuesday night in giving final approval for a Planned Unit Development for Riverton on 210 acres. Officials said there are no specific plans for a Northshore Riverwalk, but several groups are actively working to make a connection ... (click for more)

Fairyland Swimmers Upset Country Club

The Fairyland Flash had their best swim meet of the season at home Tuesday night when they beat the Country Club Wavemakers by a single point, handing the visitors their first loss of the season after four straight wins. Country Club had prevailed by a lopsided 466-322 margin just last Thursday, but the Flash was more than ready for the competition the second time around. ... (click for more)

The Ups-And-Downs Of Life In The Minor Leagues

Life as a minor league player can be tough. Few players ever get to live out their dream as a regular player at the big league level. For every player who realizes their dream, another player is forced to be released or find another organization to keep his dream alive. Recently the Lookouts have lost T.J.White, one of the most popular players in recent years. Word has come ... (click for more)