Roy Exum
Before I went out in the cold and rain to attend Monday night’s Education Forum at the Orchard Knob Missionary Baptist Church, I had a couple of idle moments so I went to the Dictionary.com website to check out funny words. I love using new words in my stories and, as I drove home afterwards, it was entertaining to see how these new-found words could be applied to last night’s forum.
Remember back when you were in the fourth grade and the teacher would give you a list of 10 or 15 words you had to use in a theme? Let’s go back there as I write a “report” on Monday night’s education forum trying to use some words I had never heard until Monday afternoon.
For instance, ZOOTERKINS is "a 17th century variant of ‘zounds’ which was "an expression of surprise or indignation." Used in a sentence it might be, “I was totally Zooterkins when I went to the Education Forum meeting. There were about 60 people in all who attended and, when you take away the elected officials and Department of Education employees, that dwindled down to maybe two dozen people who didn’t have to be there.”
A person who is a WHIFFLE-WHAFFLE is someone who wastes a lot of time but, not me, no sir. It took only 35 minutes of “total vanilla” to see the meeting was going nowhere, but I was gone by then. Forget being polite, it is time for our politicians and educators to “fish or cut bait.” Forgive me if I appear to be a SNARK (a noun to refer to rude or sarcastic criticism) but the Hamilton County public has jolly well had enough of GOBBLEDEGOOK (gob-uhl-dee-gook), a “language characterized by circumlocution and jargon; it's usually hard to understand,” and it is past time to put a stopto the mindless talk of this BUMFUZZLE (buhm-fuhz-uhl), which means to confuse or fluster.
So help me, if tonight’s joint meeting of the School Board and County Commissioners turns out to be as big a KERFUFFLE (ker-fuhf-uhl), a British word meaning a fuss or commotion, as last night’s Education Forum came across, I wouldn’t be surprised if Governor Haslam sends in the National Guard to deal with many Hamilton County elected officials who are acting like ZOUNDERKITES, a Victorian word meaning idiot.
Sabrena Smedley, who heads the education committee for the County Commission, said she expects a large crowd to attend the meeting but no one on the commission or the school board wants any GNASHNABS, an 18th century northern English word, meaning someone who just complains all the time. We are past all of that – everybody knows the public schools are STAMPCRAB, clumsy and heavy afoot.
That said, many in the audience will be trying to identify the SNOUTBANDS, who are people who interrupt a conversation to correct or contradict the person speaking. The sheriff’s deputies will be at tonght’s meeting, which begins at 6 p.m., to handle any GOBERMOUCHES, an old Irish term for those who like to meddle in other people’s business. The important goal of the joint meeting is to find solutions to why our public school district is so CATTYWAMPUS (kat-ee-wom-puhs, kat-uh-), a word that means “askew or awry.”
My stars, our 79 school buildings are now calling for $200 million in needy repairs and the time when a MUGWUMP (muhg-wuhmp), a person who is unable to make up his or her mind on an issue, is long past. No more talking. No more forums. The only thing that counts is action. There has to be some doer-of-deeds with solutions because, while no politician at either table tonight wants to admit it, the SNOLLYGOSTERS (snol-ee-gos-ters), “clever, unscrupulous persons” of the past, have created a horrible and serious mess.
As I watched the opening act (only) of the Education Forum, I saw the top assistant superintendents being forced to swallow the same tasteless porridge they have had to endure in the past 12 months without a superintendent. These educators work all day and then they “have to go” to these senseless forums, just to CANOODLE “to caress, fondle, or pet” the County Commission. Just Sabrena Smedley, Joe Graham and Warren Mackey of the nine commissioners were there last night.
And, really, what’s the point? The whole exercise last night didn’t mean DIDDLY-SQUAT (did-lee-skwot) (The word diddly-squat is a direct linguistic cousin to doodly-squat. The term is used in a negative context to denote something that is minimal and inconsequential.)
What I’m trying to convey is here are all these important people came and not one ticket was punched. Anyone who ever attends an Education Forum should check the mirror before they leave home and ask themselves quite candidly, “Am I am some kind of FOPDOODLE (someone of little significance?)”
So help me, I’ll never go to another forum like that, I am scared I would become a KLAZOMANIC, a person WHO CAN ONLY SPEAK BY SHOUTING. And that’s all I am going to say ABOUT IT!
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So how about that? I used every new word I had jotted in my notebook just hours before except for DONGLE [dong-guhl, dawng-] (a little piece of computer equipment) and I ain’t gonna’ touch it with a 10-foot pole.
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The best word usage ever was when Miss Haverstock asked the class to use the word fascinate” in a sentence. Little Johnny madly waved his hand but the teacher had been burned by Johnny before. So she called on Mildred.
“I went to Rock City and was fascinated.” The child said but the teacher replied, “That’s very good but I want fascinate, in the singular. Yes, Nancy …”
“I was at the Aquarium and the exhibits were so fascinating,” she beam but, no, the teacher reminded her it must be the present tense. Only Johnny was left and all the teacher could do was point.
“My big sister has a beautiful sweater with ten buttons. But now her chest has grown big and she can only fasten eight.”
Royexum@aol.com