Roy Exum
It has been my experience the more I think I know about the opposite sex is more opposite from the truth than ever before. Conversely, if any woman believes they have men figured out, it will be a world first.
So during my readings the other day, I was reading the “Over 50” age-group page on Huffington Post and started laughing at a recent survey the writers had done of our best known males over 50 years old and asked them the one thing they had learned about women.
Their replies were just delightful and, with the Masters golf tournament ready to spoil a gorgeous afternoon, allow me to present the ones that made me laugh – and that I most readily recognized.
* * *
“I had a lot of jobs before I became an actor: chopped cotton, sold women’s shoes. One thing you learn about selling women’s shoes is that all women lie about their shoe size. All women. I mean all women. What is this horribly screwed up thing that women have been taught that large feet are unattractive?” -- George Cooney
* * *
“Don’t count out the average-looking woman, or even maybe the slightly unattractive woman, or the unattractive woman.” – Billly Bob Thornton.
* * *
“Women are smart but they still like to be hot.” – Alan Thicke
* * *
“When I turned 50 it horrified me when I realized the woman living next door when I was growing up, the Mrs. Robinson who I watched undress from my bedroom window, was now 80 years old. – Alan Zweibel
* * *
“You can stay in with her on Saturday night, and not feel like the two of you are missing anything – because you have done it all before.” – Al DeLuise
* * *
“Sometimes I look at the women on the magazine covers in the market and they all look alike: new this, new that, top this – forget it.” – Robert Redford
* * *
“When it’s over for a woman, it’s over. You are not getting an appeal.” – Jack Nicholson
* * *
“Women don’t like needy men. Inattentive? Of course. Forgetful? Hardly, rare. Insensitive? Occasionally, sure … inattentive? Did I already say that? But needy and whiney don’t stand a chance. Besides, if a woman wants to hear that she has an old college friend she can call … or an ex-husband.” – Bill Kelley
* * *
“Women don’t want to hear what you think. They want to hear what they think, only in a deeper voice.” – Bill Cosby
* * *
“I think women who know a little about life are the most interesting. I think people in the 60s don’t have anything to envy from those in their 20s.” -- Pierce Bronsan
* * *
“Never tell your wife she’s lousy in bed – she’ll go out and get a second opinion. – Rodney Dangerfield
* * *
“Women are a Beautiful complication. And I look forward to more beauties and more complications.” – Keith Richards.
* * *
“There is only a certain number of times a woman wants to see you and not go out for dinner. I got tired of arguing with women about going out and having dinners so I hired somebody to cook. The food is better at my house.” – Jack Nicholson.
* * *
“Unless you are trying to enrage someone, don’t tell a woman to ‘relax’ or ‘calm down’ when she is upset. Even a nun might take a swing at you. Don’t tell her to ‘chill’ either. You’ll come off as a boob, a 55-year-old who wears a scarf with a tee-shirt.” -- Bill Kelley
* * *
“If you want to talk over a problem with someone, I always call a woman.” Billy Bob Thornton
* * *
“I never looked for a woman. When I was a teenager, perhaps, but they are looking for us and we must learn that very quickly. They decide. We just turn up. Forget the superficialities – tall and handsome and all that. Just turn up. They will do the rest.” – Peter O’Toole
* * *
“When dating a woman in her 50s, chances are they are going to have children. Whereas when we were younger, and you had to worry about her parent’s approval, now you have to worry about her children’s approval – and there could be more than two.” – Al Deluise
* * *
“Women want to find one Mr. Right and men want to find all the dream girls they can get their hands on.” – Bill O’Reilly
* * *
“Always marry a woman from Texas. No matter how tough things get, she has seen tougher...” – Dan Rather
* * *
”I stand behind what a friend of mine once said, ‘The only way for a successful relationship to exist, at a fundamental level, the man has to be scared (expletive) of her or it ain’t going to work.” – Dustin Hoffman
* * *
“To be married in our profession is a difficult thing. There’s too many beautiful people around, interesting people. It’s just a matter of really having … being faithful and having the capacity and faith of falling in love with your own wife again. That happens to me.” – Antonio Banderas
* * *
“Discussing restaurants, dishes and desserts is safe but food is a dangerous area. Never say, “Are you going to finish all of that? Or “You must have been super-hungry.’ Or, as a buddy said when his girlfriend asked why he didn’t get her a McFurry, “Because you don’t McNeed it.” (Despite this, they are still married. 10 years.”) – Bill Kelley
* * *
“There is no secret to a successful marriage. I love my wife. More than that, I really like her.” – Sting
* * *
“It’s not women who are tough. It’s life.” – Elliott Gould
* * *
“They expect we’ll make smart decisions. Stupid behavior is assumed to be behind us.” – Alan Thicke
* * *
“Indeed, men over 50 are appealing because they can be trusted; they’ve already done their lying and cheating and other little-boy nonsense and genuinely appreciate the company of a good woman who, by definition, is probably a lot better than he deserves.” – Alan Thicke
* * *
“A sense of humor is a major aphrodisiac. I am certainly an average-looking guy but I have had some very attractive women in my life. I could always make them laugh.” – Larry King.
royexum@aol.com