Roy Exum
It’s hard to say which is more rare; the Saturday Funnies morphing into the Sunday Funnies because the first day of each month is reserved for “my garden stroll,” or why suddenly there is a huge interest in whether the San Francisco 49ers or the Kansas City Chiefs will see their shadow in an end zone tonight in Miami? The blessing is that the Funnies are good every day, unlike tonight when a 30-second advertising spot is selling for $5.6 million.
This week an email contained some of the funny things the great writer Mark Twain said during his time on earth (1835-1910) and his observations – over 100 years later, are still as wonderful as they were so long ago. Once he asked an acquaintance, “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" and there was another time when he observed, “I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight."
Remember that we do not write the weekly Funnies --- they are gathered from some of the delightful emails that come our way, and our joy comes in the sharing of them. Here are five more funnies from Samuel Clements (Mark Twain was his pen name) before we offer this week’s collection:
* -- "Had double chins all the way down to his stomach."
* -- "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
* -- "You take the lies out of him, and he'll shrink to the size of your hat; you take the malice out of him, and he'll disappear."
* -- "Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint."
* -- "His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there's scarcely a hole in it anywhere."
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THIS YEAR’S SUPER BOWL TALE
A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium – he’s closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?”
The man says, “No.”
Very excited have such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, “This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?”
The man replies, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t seen together since we were married in 1967.”
“Well, that’s really sad,” says Bob, “but still, couldn’t you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?”
“No,” the man replies, “they’re all at the funeral.”.
* * *
SOME OF THE STUFF YOU HEAR ABOUT ON THE GOLF COURSE
A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year, which means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind of makes you proud. I almost feel like a hybrid.
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A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack. ”Help me dear," she groans to her husband. The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting." “Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you." "Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly. "No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through.”
- - -
A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?" Mickelson replied, ”The holes are numbered."
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A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"
The young man says, "An 8-iron, father, how about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down”
- - -
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club and puts her hands on her face.
How many times did you hit him?"
”I don't know -- put me down for a five."
- - -
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"
The man replied: ”Got here in two, didn't I?
- - -
The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?”
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?
* * *
A BIBLICAL PEEK AT WHERE PETS COME FROM
It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.
And Cat did not care one way or the other.
* * *
FROM THE COLLEGE OF RANDOM THOUGHTS
* -- A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
* -- Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
* -- Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
* -- Isn't it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.
* -- When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
* -- Son, when I was your age there was no social media. You had to go to a bar and buy endless drinks to be ignored by multiple women.
* -- When I was young I did stupid things because I didn't know any better. Now I know better and do stupid things because I miss being young.
* * *
WHEN OTHERS HAVE THE LAST WORD
Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter.
"When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?", asks St. Peter.
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
* * *
21 QUICK ONES FROM SOMEBODY’S ARCHIVES
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
7. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
8. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
9. Nightnurse, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
10. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
11. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
12. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
13. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
14. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
15. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
16. Procrastinate Now!
17. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts – “Do You Want Fries With That?”
18. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
19. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
20. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
21. The original point and click tool was a Smith and Wesson.
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THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEO – Recognizing that Eli Manning retired just several days ago, this will always be one of the greatest plays in Super Bowl history. The New York Giants played the undefeated New England Patriots in Phoenix on Feb. 3., 2008. In what was Super Bowl XLII, it was deep in the fourth quarter when the Giants’ Eli Manning put on a Houdini act in the pocket to avoid getting sacked before rifling a “duct tape and chicken-wire” helmet catch in heavy traffic to David Tyree. Four plays later, Manning connected on a 13-yard game-winning touchdown to a wide open Plaxico Burress and the 17-14 thriller in Phoenix gave the Patriots their one and only loss of the season. The Giants were a 12-point underdog and this ranks among the biggest upsets in pro sports. To see the game recap. CLICK HERE.
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