Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, May 23, 2020 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

As we begin this week’s Saturday Funnies allow me to introduce the Jackson brothers. All three were tailors and while Lewis and Marvin were great gentlemen of the trade, Timmy was a bit slow. They found mall where three offices were side by side and it was decided there would be Lewis on one side and Marvin just opposite. Timmy would anchor the middle, hoping to snare his bothers’ rejects for his own.

Lewis put a big sign in his office window promising the best quality for a fair price. On the other end, Marvin bragged the best fit for the value, promising kings and senators and regal men would always come back to him. Several weeks passed and then Timmy erected his sign: “Main Entrance – Jackson Brothers.”

With no further fanfare, here are this week’s Saturday Funnies and you are reminded we don’t write the funnies, instead gathering the laughter off the Internet and sharing it.

Behold this week’s Main Entrance:

* * *

THE SERMON OF ‘FOUR WORMS’

 A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol … DEAD!

The second worm in cigarette smoke … DEAD!

Third worm in chocolate syrup … DEAD!

Fourth worm in good clean soil … ALIVE!

In a soft yet dramatic voice, the Minister asked the congregation:

"So, my friends … What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine, sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .

"As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service!

* * *

IS THIS THE BEST ‘MAXINE’ EVER? RIGHT ON MAXINE!!! 

This is the best analogy yet!

Leave it to Maxine to come up with a solution for the mess that US/Canada/UK/Germany/ Australia/NZ is now in economically.

I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it was, as I filled it lovingly with seed.

Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.

But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue. 

Then came the bird droppings. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table ... everywhere! 

Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.

And other birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. So, I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like it used to be ... quiet, serene ... and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now, let's see... Our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, and free education, and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.

Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor; Your child's second grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English.

Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to 'press one ' to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than ”ours” are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties. Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder. 

* * *

A CANDID LOOK AT REINCARNATION

A soldier is reading a book while off duty when he sees his sergeant coming. Everyone hated Sergeant Thompson, he always had a big stick up his bum.

"Private."

"Sergeant Thompson, Sir!" the soldier said, standing up smartly.

"At ease."

The soldier gladly returned to his book... until he realized the sergeant is still standing over him, staring at the cover.

"Yes, Sarge?"

"What's that rubbish you're reading there, private? Re..incar..nation? What's that all about?"

"Well," smiles the soldier, "It's pretty simple sir. Say you died, God forbid, and we buried you. Then a few months later grass grew on that plot of land. Then a cow came and ate that grass. As nature dictates, a few hours later it passes it through its stomachs and dumps it out on the ground...

Then I would walk by and say: "Hey Sarge, you haven't changed a bit!""

* * *

THERE WAS JUST ONE PARACHUTE

During World War II, four paratroopers each from England, Scotland, France, and the U.S., were on a plane about to jump when they realized there was only one serviceable parachute.

The French paratrooper downed a glass of cognac, said "Pour la France!" and jumped without the parachute.

The American downed a glass of bourbon, said "For freedom!" and jumped without the parachute.

The Scotsman downed a glass of whiskey, said "For Scotland!" and threw the Englishman out of the plane.

* * *

SPEAKING OF SCOTLAND: THE CASTAWAY

One day a Scotsman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over 10 long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long it’s been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the Scotsman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Ouch - in the name of the wee man is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good scotch?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"

* * *

THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH ABOUT ‘POLITICAL CORRECTNESS’

What is meant by the modern term referred to as "POLITICAL CORRECTNESS"... The definition is found in 4 telegrams at the Truman Library and Museum in Independence, Missouri:

The following are copies of four telegrams between President Harry Truman and General Douglas MacArthur on the day before the actual signing of the WWII Surrender Agreement in September 1945.

The contents of those four telegrams below are exactly as received at the end of the war - not a word has been added or deleted!

* -- Tokyo, Japan   0800-September 1,1945

To: President Harry S Truman

From: General D A MacArthur

Tomorrow we meet with those yellow-bellied b******s and sign the Surrender Documents, any last-minute instructions?

* -- Washington, D C   1300-September 1, 1945

To: D A MacArthur

From: H S Truman

Congratulations, job well done, but you must tone down your obvious dislike of the Japanese when discussing the terms of the surrender with the press, because some of your remarks are fundamentally not politically correct!

* -- Tokyo, Japan 1630-September 1, 1945

 To: H S Truman

From: D A MacArthur and C H Nimitz

Wilco Sir, but both Chester and I are somewhat confused, exactly what does the term politically correct mean?

* -- Washington, D C 2120-September 1, 1945

To: D A MacArthur/C H Nimitz

From: H S Truman

Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of (crap) by the clean end!         

Now, with special thanks to the Truman Museum and Harry himself, you and I finally have a full understanding of what 'POLITICAL CORRECTNESS' really means.

(This is a very true and documentable story)

* * *

THE PRIEST EVENTUALLY WINS -- 1 UP!

[NOTE: This may be the ultimate comeback … if not, it’s the greatest way to hurl a curse word -- without ever saying the word!]

Fred was about to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer (George) approached and asked if he could join him. Fred said that he usually played alone but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes.

George said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" Fred said that he wasn't much for betting but agreed.

George easily won the remaining 16 holes. They walked off number eighteen while George counted his $80.00. He then confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and “liked to pick on suckers.”

Fred, shocked, revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was immediately flustered and apologetic and offered to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square I was foolish to bet with you. Keep your winnings."

The embarrassed pro asked, "Please, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them.”

* * *

McDONALD FARM IS ACTUALLY LOCATED IN SALE CREEK, TENN.

Two Army football players were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy. Soon after the test began the first guy turns to the second guy and asks, “Old MacDonald had a what?”

The other replies, “He had a farm.”

The first asks, “How do you spell it?”

To which the second replied, “E-I-E-I-O.”

[True Story: For many years, one of my duties at the Chattanooga News-Free Press was overseeing the fleet of our delivery trucks for our family business. My grandfather owned the newspaper and also McDonald Farm, our family homeplace. One unforgettable day County Court Clerk, Bill Knowles, far and away the greatest public servant I have not only known but have ever heard tales about … get this, no politician in any county election has won by greater margins that Bill boasts in every election cycle … called me and  told me to fetch my grandfather’s title from our files. I immediately did so, and Madeline Bales, who handled our 100-plus vehicles, said my grandfather’s tag had been “recalled,” or whatever, and his new tag began 4 (signifying Hamilton County) and was followed by E, 1, E, 10. That’s when Bill brought it out and all the girls sang, “EIEIO.” What a moment. I took it back to the office, where everybody raved and my grandfather, never at a loss for words, asked, “How does one possibly say thank you for such an undeserved and total kindness” Answer? You don’t, but if Pope Paul was running for office against Bill Knowles, we’d endorse Bill … not because of a license tag but because there hasn’t been one day in his last 46 years in office (a record) that he hasn’t earned every vote.”

* * *

THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS

PEPSI NO. 1 -- Some years ago the advertising genius at Pepsi dreamed up a practical joke where they would send NASCAR legend Jeff Gordon as an ordinary customer to test drive a hot 2009 Chevy Camaro. They disguised Gordan as a “walk in off the street guy.” They also hid cameras and audio microphones in the car before a knowing car dealer put the car on the “the sale line.” The resulting tape is priceless, and it has been seen over a million times. CLICK HERE.

PEPSI NO. 2 – The Jeff Gordon gag was an absolute sensation but one automotive writer, Travis Okulski, called the “test drive” a fake. He said it was all rehearsed, so about a year later Pepsi showed Travis it really wasn’t via “the hard way.” And Jeff Gordon was more than delighted to take part. CLICK HERE.

THE SOUND OF MUSIC – Easily one of the greatest films of all time was “The Sound of Music. After an initial theatrical release that lasted four and a half years, and two successful re-releases, the film sold 283 million admissions worldwide and earned a total worldwide gross of $286,000,000. In that movie, the music of Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II became the greatest soundtrack of all time. One magical moment was the wedding of Maria Von Trapp (Julie Andrews) to the Captain, (Christopher Plummer) and the Wedding Processional was one of the major treats. Here is Mormon Tabernacle master organist, Richard Elliott, with the Orchestra at Temple Square, and the women of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Hold on! CLICK HERE.

A SOLDIER’S DECK OF CARDS – A soldier explains his deck of cards. CLICK HERE.

MY FAVORITE PRANK – This genius of a prankster gets this long-haired dog and has its coat sculpted to resemble a lion. The dog loves to play, so my man takes it to random parks and screams, “My baby lion is loose! Don’t hurt it!” Watch what happens! CLICK HERE.

royexum@aol.com


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