Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, January 23, 2021 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

For some unexplainable reason, the coronavirus onslaught seems to be ebbing in the state of Tennessee. Oh, it is still a huge and deadly threat, but public health officials cannot explain the riddle of why our daily infections are now just half what they were in mid-December. At the Saturday Funnies desk, we are overtly thrilled and, while nobody can yet explain the reason why, it’s a cinch the prayers of thousands are as good an answer as any.

While our glorious “front line” workers remain relentless, and our influx of vaccine becomes more plentiful to health departments in Tennessee as well as across the United States, here are three much easier riddles to kick off this week’s edition of The Saturday Funnies:

This Week’s Riddles:

1. “Break me and I’ll cage you, obey me and I’ll save you. What am I?”

2. What has teeth but can never bite?

3. What is at the end of a rainbow?

As you mull your possible answers, please remember The Saturday Funnies have no known author. Instead, they are gathered from the fun emails that come our way during the week and we find them too much fun to be ignored.

This Week’s Answers:

1. The laws of the United States.

2. the ‘teeth’ of a hair comb.

3. The letter “w.”

We are going to kick off this week’s edition with a simple reminder on the pursuit of happiness and then some laughter …

* * *

HAPPINESS IS LIKE A BANK ACCOUNT

A tutorial if you please …

There once was a fabulous lady in her 80s. You could find her stylishly dressed with a flawless hairdo and perfectly applied makeup by 8 a.m. every day. After her husband passed away, she decided it was time to move into a retirement home.

When she arrived, she was given a description of what her room would look like. It would be small but have all the necessities, including curtains. The woman immediately exclaimed, "I LOVE it!"

The staff chuckled, and with slightly confused looks on their faces, they told her, "Well, just wait, since you haven't seen it yet."

She confidently replied, "That doesn't matter. Happiness is something you decide over time. Whether or not I like my room doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged; it depends on how I arrange my mind.

"I’ve already decided that I like it. It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have the choice: I can spend the day in bed, going through the difficulty I have with my body parts that don't work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the parts that do work.

"Every day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I will focus on the new day and the happy memories I've stored just for this time in my life."

She then encouraged them to treat happiness like a bank account and deposit plenty of wonderful memories in it. After all, she said, "You withdraw from it what you deposit."  

What a beautiful way to live life! Here are a few things we can all work toward when it comes to treating happiness like a bank account:

1. Forgive - A full life is made less happy when there is hate and discord.

2. Focus on the present - Live simply and don't worry about the things that are out of your control.

3. Give freely - Giving is always better than receiving!

How will you contribute to your happiness bank account today?

* * *

A BIT MORE ON WHERE TO FIND HAPPINESS

BUDDHA was quoted: There are three things that cannot be easily hidden: The Sun, the Moon, and the Truth.

The following are 2 Simple Truths, 5 Rules of Life, and 3 Bonus Rules: 

SIMPLE TRUTH 1: Lovers help each other undress before sex. However, after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2:

When a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congratulations." But none go up to the man, touch his penis and say, "Good Job."

Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1. Money can't buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the jerk’s name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.

5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

BONUS RULES:

1. Condoms do not guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

2. I think all politicians should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors.

3. Also, all politicians should serve only two terms -- one in office and one in prison.

* * *

SOME OF THE LATEST ‘SHOWER THOUGHTS’

1. There is most likely a music artist you don’t know of that fits your music taste perfectly.

2. If people stranded on deserted islands don’t clean up their ‘HELP’ signs before they leave rescuers would spend hours looking for someone who isn’t there.

3. Most people’s handwriting shows that doing something mindlessly a million times over does not yield improvement unless you actively try to improve.

4. Extra fries in your bag is going to become a thing of the past once fast-food workers are 100% replaced by robots.

5. It’s unlikely that all the technology in Star Wars is standardized between planets, so cord compatibility must be a nightmare.

6. Popcorn is a sponge that feeds you butter.

7. Even though Uber drivers drive a car all day, they walk to work.

8. There will eventually be a world leader who grew up playing video games and still games as a hobby.

9. If you suddenly found yourself in another person’s body, all the little aches & pains & annoyances they’ve learned to ignore would probably be almost intolerable.

10. Having a dead animal in your fridge is disturbing and disgusting. Having cut pieces of a dead animal is fine.

* * *

STILL RETURNING CHRISTMAS GIFTS

I received the wrong size shirts for Christmas, so my wife said she would go swap them for me.

She returned home in just a few minutes with two shirts in the right size.

I told her I expected it to take much longer since she would have to stand in the returns line.

She said she was in line when she noticed the woman behind her was also returning two shirts.

Hers were the size my wife needed and my wife's were the size the other woman needed, so they Just swapped.

My wife suggested that since she swapped the shirts for me that I swap the wrong sized bra that I bought her. I agreed.

As I got in the returns line at the lingerie store, I recalled how my wife had avoided the long wait.

I was embarrassed and other shoppers shocked when I asked the woman in front of me what size bra she wore.

* THE NEW NILE VIRUS (Type C)

I thought you would want to know about this virus. Even the most advanced computer programs from Norton, McAfee, and others cannot take care of this one.

It appears to target those who were born prior to 1960.

The sporadic lockdown seems to be increasing the chances of being affected!

- - - - Virus Symptoms - - - -

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. (Done that)

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. (That too)

3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person. (Yup)

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. (Ah-ha)

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. (Done that)

6. Causes you to hit SEND before you've finished. (Oh no, not again)

7. Causes you to hit DELETE instead of SEND. (Hate that)

8. Causes you to hit SEND when you should DELETE. (Heck, now what?)

NOTE: This virus is called the C-NILE virus!

A lot of us have already been inflicted with this disease and unfortunately as we age, it gets worse.

And if you can't admit to doing any of the above, you've obviously caught the other strain; the D-NILE virus.

Doctors say that lots of naps and a daily dose of Dr. Jack Daniels liquid medicine might help.

* * *

YOUR CRIMES WILL FIND YOU OUT

A pastor of a small church loved to play golf. He was invited to play in an amateur tournament a few miles away but didn't see how it was possible since the tournament was on a Saturday and Sunday.

He called the head deacon and told him he was sick and couldn't preach Sunday. He thought he had the flu, might be contagious and needed to rest, so no one should call or come visit him over the weekend.

The deacon passed the word so everyone stayed away and didn't call.

The pastor had a good game on Saturday, finishing just 1 over par.

Sunday was even better, he made a hole in one, and was 5 under par for the day.

He also was awarded second place in the tournament – but suffered a far-worse fate -- he could not share with one soul how well he had done!

* * *

MODERN TECHNOLOGY REPLACES ‘OLD SCHOOL’

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are ‘old school.’ She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

Man, that fly never stood a chance…

* * *

‘WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING!’

A woman entered her kitchen and found her boyfriend waving a fly swatter.

"What are you up to?" she asked.

"Killing flies," he said.

"Oh. Get any?"

"Yep, two males and three females," he answered.

"Oh come on! How can you tell them apart?"

"Two were on a beer can, three were on the phone."

* * *

NEVER GET INTO A FIGHT WITH A BULL

A farmer noticed that his bull had escaped from his pen, so he went to look for him. As the farmer walked across his field he saw a man lying face down wearing only a pair of pants … his shoes and shirt were nearby.

The man was bruised and bloody with large whelps, red marks, and scratches on his body.

After helping the man to sit up, the farmer asked what happened. The man replied:

“I was walking across this field when I heard a noise behind me. I looked back and saw a bull charging toward me. I saw a large thicket with shrubs, bushes, vines, and small trees ahead, so I ran and jumped into the middle of it.

The bull couldn't find me, so he gave up and walked away. That's when I noticed that I had landed in a large patch of poison ivy.

As I was trying to get away from it, I felt something biting my legs. I looked and discovered that I had disturbed a fire ant nest and thousands of them were crawling all over me. As I was trashing around trying to get the ants off, I stumbled into an underground hornet’s nest. The hornets swarmed and started attacking me.

“Frantically I began trying to escape and ran into a bunch of thorn bushes. As I fought my way through, I received severe scratches on my arms and face.

“Finally, I made it out and ran toward the creek. As I ran I took off my shirt and waved it around to keep the hornets away.

“I kicked off my shoes, took my pants off, and ran into the creek. I was able to get the fire ants off and stayed under water until the hornets left. I then walked back into the field and put my pants on.

“And that's when I heard a noise behind me again.”

* * *

THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS

Earlier this week I professed my love for magic, and mentioned two illusionists, Darcy Oake and David Blaine. I’ve added several other videos to the mix:

* -- Darcy Oake, originally from Canada, does a magic routine with some birds that defies explanation. Since 2014, this trick has had over 115,634,447 views on YouTube. CLICK HERE.  

* -- David Blane is recognized by many as the best magician the world right. His trick with the frog is priceless. Here he is with Drake, Steph Curry, & Dave Chappelle. This has had 3,097,949 views. CLICK HERE  

* -- Here’s the bonus: How David Baine does the frog trick …. yes, revealed: CLICK HERE 

* -- There have been 8,605,166 views of David Baine doing this card trick with Jeff Bezos CLICK HERE  

* -- All of your pain in one video – just tell me if you can’t relate! CLICK HERE  

* -- HOORAY! A BONUS! Since the first time I watched my the first video on You Tube … what? a number of years ago … there is one tape that I watched over 100 times that still reduces me to hysterical laughter. I cannot explain its longevity, or why I know it second-to-second by now, but still rejoice in its calamity. It’s ‘The Polish Wooden Spoon Trick.’ CLICK HERE

royexum@aol.com

 

 


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