In spite of his sometime irreverent comments on all subjects, Lewis Grizzard’s (L.G.) religious background was typical of a youngster raised in the Southern village of Moreland, Georgia (population of 300-400, no traffic light).
He was taken to church on Sundays by his mother and grandmother - not ordered to go alone.
In his 1983 humorous work “If I was Oil, I’d Be About a Quart Low” he discusses the religious difference between the Baptists (submergers) and Methodists (sprinklers) that were the overwhelming denominations in Moreland.
He compared the monthly dinners-on-the-grounds and concluded that the Methodists had better food than the Baptists for several reasons:
1.
Baptists conducted a more austere lifestyle because they put off buying their first television set and installing indoor plumbing a lot later than the Methodists.
2. Methodists’ fried chicken was more plump and tender than the Baptists fare because they had better cooks. He compared the Baptists fowl cuisine to that of Chef Boy-Are Dee and canned spaghetti.
3. The Methodist pre-meal blessing was also a lot shorter than the one of the Baptist orators and allowed the hungry crowd to satisfy their Sunday appetites quicker. For example a simple Methodist “Make us thankful Lord for these and all our many blessings, Amen.” This was deemed sufficient to give thanks and all the Lord wanted to hear before feeding the hungry congregation.
Such was not the case at the Baptist Church, particularly if the pastor was a graduate of the Southern Baptist Theological seminary in Louisville, Kentucky, who wanted to display his college education to the country folks.
L.G. doesn’t claim he was long winded but he did remark that the “ants would have already covered the chocolate cake and the block of ice would have melted half away by the time he was finished asking for remembrance of all the sick and shut in, praying for rain, guidance for our state and local leaders, (Hamilton County Mayor race), and asking a blessing on each individual, and even the boiled okra that somebody always brought, despite the fact that nobody ever ate any of it, not even the ants!”
He also brings up a couple other acts of disharmony in the Baptist congregation. Discord arose over the issue of whether to continue to dip new followers in the scum covered stagnant pond behind the Church that was also infected with water bugs or to build a new baptismal pool behind the pulpit in the Church building.
Differences of opinion arose between the more fundamental thinkers and the more modern disciples in Moreland.
The debate went on for weeks on the subjects that included the cost of installing the new version of indoor plumbing and lack of “any mention in the Bible of anybody ever being baptized in what would amount to a galvanized hog trough” by one eloquent opponent of the project.
The new inside baptismal pool won out by a scant three votes and in a show of healing unity a motion was also carried to drain the Baptist pond.
(A description of what was found in the waters when the dam was knocked down will remain for a future article.)
In the event that no overzealous Baptist practitioners should unleash fire and brimstone on me and L.G. for the combined contents of this article, it is too late for him, but I would point out that I was dipped in a baptismal pool at the now relocated First Baptist Church of St. Petersburg, Florida by the legendary Dr. Earl B. Edington at the tender age of 12).
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You can reach Jerry Summers at jsummers@summersfirm.com)
Jerry Summers