Roy Exum
The richest laughter of all comes when we can find humor in ourselves and The Saturday Funnies acknowledges those of us who can laugh at ourselves are the most blessed. This week Julia Westerfield of Ooltewah, Tn., writes in, “I took a personal day from work to do some house cleaning and had “Alexa” playing music from the '60s.”
“Alexia,” in this case, is a computer-driven device that enables users of Amazon’s cloud-based voice service a more intuitive way to interact with the technology they use every day. Think of “Siri” on a cell phone, which is also cutting-age technology and – believe me – it is almost as useful as the computer itself! A quick disclaimer: if you have a Southern accent like mine, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to “laugh at yourself!”
It seems Julia had verbally commanded the system to play with some wonderful hits for the ‘60s but she suddenly had a problem … “When I was done,” she wrote, “I had to say "Alexa, stop" 3 times before the music quit. Then I laughed out loud because the song that was playing was Bob Dylan's "You Can't Always Get What You Want".
“Who says “Alexa” doesn't have a sense of humor?,” she shared, before adding, “Artificial Intelligence is really scary!”
Hooray for Julia Westerfield and, if you have any personal stories you would like to share with “The Saturday Funnies,” we would be delighted to pass them along.
As you know “The Saturday Funnies” are jokes and stories I get in my emails every week. I don’t write them, but pass the best along in hopes The Saturday Funnies readers can enjoy the different ones, and hopefully, pass the favorites along to our friends like Julia Westerfield. Here are some from this week’s batch…
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‘YOU ARE HERE TO HOOK UP . . . MY WHAT??’
Joe grew up in New Glasgow, Nova Scotia, then moved to Halifax to attend Dalhousie Law School. He decided to come back to New Glasgow because he felt he could be a big shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone, so he returned and opened his new law office.
The first day he saw a man coming in from the sidewalk so he decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking on the phone. "No! Absolutely not! You tell those clowns in Halifax that we won't settle this case for less than ten million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary arguments and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the Crown Attorney that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."
The 'conversation' went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from Bell Telephone and I came to hook up your phone."
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AN IMPORTANT UPDATE ON AUSTRALIA’S SWEEPING GUN LAWS
As you know, a very progressive government in Australia in 1996 actually coerced over 600,000 citizens to surrender their firearms to be destroyed in a political effort that has since been discovered as a half-billion dollar mockery:
Here's a thought to warm some of your hearts....
From: Ed Chenel, A police officer in Australia:
Hi Yanks, I thought you all would like to see the real figures from Down Under. It has now been (many) months since gun owners in Australia were forced by a new law to surrender 640,381 personal firearms to be destroyed by our own government, a program costing Australia taxpayers more than $500 million.
In the first year of full authority:
Australia-wide, homicides are up 6.2 percent,
Australia-wide, assaults are up 9.6 percent;
Australia-wide, armed robberies are up 44 percent (yes, 44 percent)!
In the state of Victoria ... alone, homicides with firearms are now up 300 percent.(Note that while the law-abiding citizens turned them in, the criminals did not and criminals still possess their guns!) While figures over the previous 25 years showed a steady decrease in armed robbery with firearms, this has changed drastically upward in the past 12 months, since the criminals now are guaranteed that their prey is unarmed. There has also been a dramatic increase in break-ins and assaults of the elderly, while the resident is at home. (home invasions)
Australian politicians are at a loss to explain how public safety has decreased, after such monumental effort and expense was expended in 'successfully ridding Australian society of guns …'
There is sage wisdom in the belief, "Don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a long time making it."
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MANY OF OUR TERMS CAME FROM THE OLDEN TIMES
Have you ever wondered where did ‘piss poor’ come from? We older people need to learn something new every day ... just to keep the grey matter tuned up.
Interesting history … They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot. And then once it was full it was taken and sold to the tannery ... if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor".
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot ... They "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500's.
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell, Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.
The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs." There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery. In the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way -- Hence: a thresh hold.
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme: ‘Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot … nine days old.’
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead-poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or ‘the upper crust.’
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom; of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, ‘saved by the bell’ or was instead considered ‘a dead ringer.’
And that's the truth. Now, whoever said History was boring!!!
So get out there and educate someone! Share these facts with a friend. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
We'll be friends until we are old and senile … then we'll be new friends. Smile, it gives your face something to do until the day that arrives when we will be piss poor.
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THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEO
Short, sweet and hilarious!! George Younce, one of the most heralded gospel singers ever, whose fabulous presence has hardly been equaled in the genre of “heavenly praise,” was once an indescribable voice in gospel music. Younce had a deep bass that was a blessing, and recently was recently was remembered for his never-to-be-forgotten “Wedding Song at the Retirement Home.” His humor was ‘whole’ and, as one who sang with The Cathedrals and other quartets of legend back in the day, it was in his last public appearance in 2004 with Bill Gaither, that he added to his legacy. He died at age 75 in 2005. You will never hear the standard, “Side by Side,” in the same that Kay Starr recorded it in 1953 after this but, as I believe you’ll agree, the perpetual life of our favorite music is precisely why we adore every note in each and every song. To see George Younce in his final public moment, please CLICK HERE.
royexum@aol.com