Roy Exum
When a round furry creature darted across my driveway before dawn, I was so grateful it wasn’t a bear. Because it looked a lot like a groundhog in the dim light, it is only fitting that I stroll through the garden on Groundhog Day. Let’s see what we find …
A VALENTINE to the fact Punxsutawney Phil, the world’s most famous groundhog, is right between 70 and 90 percent of the time, the variance depending whether you ask a spectator or a committee member. For the record, if it is cloudy when the critter emerges from its burrow on this day, then spring will come early; if it is sunny, and it sees its shadow, the groundhog will retreat back into its den and winter weather will last six more weeks.
AN EMPTY ENVELOPE, which is the worst insult on Valentine’s Day, to presidential candidate Mike Huckabee who said same-sex marriage to a Christian is “like asking someone who is Jewish to start serving bacon-wrapped shrimp in their deli.” I had hoped he could do a little better than that.
A VALENTINE to President Obama who reminded us the War on Terror is not a war against Muslims.
"I don't quibble with labels. I think we all recognize that this is a particular problem that has roots in Muslim communities," Obama said in an interview with CNN's Fareed Zakaria. "But I think we do ourselves a disservice in this fight if we are not taking into account the fact that the overwhelming majority of Muslims reject this ideology."
AN EMPTY ENVELOPE to the sickening news that the FBI office in Phoenix reports that of the 27 juveniles recovered in the past year, 18 have come in the three weeks leading up to the Super Bowl. One girl was born in 2000. My prayer is that the pimps will be turned over to “Sheriff Joe” for a real, real long time.
A VALENTINE to the fact Peyton Manning is taking his time to decide whether to play another year of pro football. His dad Archie told friends Peyton is struggling with the decision but his salary for 2015 -- $19 million -- is guaranteed if he is on the team's roster by March 9. Former Colts head coach Tony Dungy just presented Manning the Bart Starr Award at the annual Super Bowl breakfast, which is awarded the NFL player who best reflects character and off-the-field philanthropic achievements.
AN EMPTY ENVELOPE to any parent who does not safely secure a pistol. A 3-year-old boy in Albuquerque just shot his father in the buttocks and his pregnant mother in the shoulder after he pulled a pistol from her handbag. Almost as disturbing is the police report, which notes the three had been staying in a cheap hotel room with the child’s grandmother, a two-year-old sister and two pit bulldogs.
A VALENTINE for the 30-second ad on domestic violence that ran during the Super Bowl last night. Leslie Morgan Steiner, the author of "Crazy Love," her memoir about surviving violence in her first marriage, told one reporter, “This commercial, created by the advocacy group “No More, “is the only TV ad that has ever made me bury my head in my hands and sob.” Wow!
AN EMPTY ENVELOPE to the University of Tennessee football program for spending an average of $1.3 million a year between 2008 and 2012 for football recruiting. That’s 36 percent higher average than any other university in the country. During those years UT football teams went 5-7, 7-6, 6-7, 5-7 and 5-7.
A VALENTINE for the fact that Tennessee is projected to have the No. 5 recruiting class in the country with National Signing Day coming this Wednesday but a number of top players have still not committed. As of yesterday afternoon, Alabama was No. 1, followed by Florida State, Clemson, and Georgia.
AN EMPTY ENVELOPE to the Atlanta Falcons after sources revealed the NFL is investigating “fake crowd noise” that was played over stadium speakers during opponent’s huddles and play-calling. If the allegations are true, the Falcons could be fined and even lose a draft choice. Like my man says, “Common sense isn’t a flower that blooms in every garden.”
A VALENTINE that will mean the most on Saturday, February 14th, will include an effusive hand-written note telling the person how much you really do love them. Never forget, the heart speaks louder than Hallmark. And the word on the street is that Saturday will be the opening night of the steamy movie, “50 Shades of Grey,” which means a smart fellow might buy his pair of tickets early.
AN EMPTY ENVELOPE to the hacker who got into my Google account and sent a bogus “file” to those on my email list. When I was alerted, I immediately called Google and a nice technician told me, “Everybody in America should change their passwords on all of their emails every three months.” Another friend advised to change credit cards once a year. What a world we live in …
A VALENTINE to Erlanger Hospital’s Foundation for picking Drs. Hugh Brown and Joe Cofer to be honored at its Dinner of Distinction on Feb. 27 and naming Senator Bob Corker as the first recipient of the Gordon Street Leadership Award. What better three to pick from than that!
AN EMPTY ENVELOPE to the geniuses that assure the National Football League keeps its “tax-exempt” status. At kickoff last night the ticket price was the highest in the Super Bowl’s 49 years -- StubHub and NFL Ticket Exchange, said the average price of a sold ticket for this year's game was $4,600 and $4,131, respectively. Now add the fact that if you wanted a beer inside the stadium, the cost was $12 apiece.
A VALENTINE to 30-year-old Renea Lucero because she really needs it. Last week she needed to sell some heroin so she dialed what she thought was the right number on her cell phone. A shocked Albuquerque detective told her he would be right over and the illicit drug was soon found in her bra.
AN EMPTY ENVELOPE to Kim Sears, the gorgeous fiancé of tennis star Andy Murray who finally had heard enough from hecklers pulling for Tomas Berdych during Saturday’s semifinal match at the Australian Open Tennis Championships. She screamed, “(Expletive) have it, you Czech flash (expletive)!" at Berdych's team and supporters. Berdych won the match in four sets but, on Sunday, Kim wasn’t backing down. When she arrived with Andy to watch the finals, she wore a tee-shirt that read, “Parental Advisory, explicit content." So there!
A VALENTINE to Stephen Dempsey, who put together a Lego model of Darth Vader's Imperial Star Destroyer and gave it to his main squeeze, Amanda. When she opened it she found a tiny Lego Darth Vader holding a glimmering engagement ring. Dempsey then reportedly told her, "Our love is like this ship … its shields defend from any outside force wanting to get in and destroy us." She said yes because, obviously, the force will be with them.
royexum@aol.com