Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, January 11, 2020 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

Does a person whose leg has been amputated limp? This is one of the puzzlers I have been asked during the healing process after a stubborn infection caused my right leg to be removed in mid-December. Because I was idled, my flow of emails that make me laugh was pretty lean but this week’s Saturday Funnies begins with a wonderful obituary that I am reprinting from Chattanoogan.com last month because I am so enamored by it. I have written a number of remembrances so I am an expert of sorts. Katy Lynn McDonald’s tribute is a classic.

As our regular readers know, what appears on the Saturday Funnies is gleaned from the emails I receive, and I don’t hesitate to let political chicanery to be included at times. I think Nancy Pelosi is comical, for example, and marvel at the daily bashing of President Trump when the leftist media would have a field day with the California dolly if they would only remove their blinders.

This is our first edition of The Saturday Funnies for 2020 and this should be a banner year. I hope you’ll find some stories you enjoy. Here we go ….

* * *

IS THIS THE WARMEST OBITUARY EVER?

I fear some may have missed an obituary for Katy Lynn McDonald that appeared on Chattanoogan.com Friday, Dec 20, but it ranks among my all-time favorites. Obviously written by children who were taught to enjoy their lives to the fullest, please see if this makes you want to hit life’s “reverse switch” so you could have shared a hug with this wonder:

KATY LYNN McDONALD -- escaped this mortal realm on December 14, 2019. She was 80, we think. The family believes she did it on purpose to avoid having to cast another vote in the American elections. Katy was world-renowned (#itsasmallworldafterall) for her generosity and kind disposition. She never met a stranger but she brought a few home (David W., you were our favorite). Mom offered a charm, wit, and undying love to those who were her friends. She was simply an amazing gal, part saint part sinner all bundled up into one marvelous package. If you were fortunate to have met her, you’d have liked her immediately… she was just that kind of person.

She was a studied cook of the old Southern school. Her chicken and dumplin’ recipe was, as Tina would say, simply the best—a remarkable meal. Her recipes were used to feed thousands of patients when she worked as a dietary professional at Red Bank Hospital. Her cornbread was a favorite among patients and employees of the hospital—the recipe is untouchable… seriously, we can’t find it. If anyone has a copy, please let the family know.

Katy served in a variety of civic capacities: A Cub Scout den mother, a Boy Scout parent, a Brownie and Girl Scout mom, a baseball mom and volunteer (she managed the concessions and we got free candy), on the PTA (remember those?), and in various capacities at the Northside Presbyterian Church. And, most importantly, she loved gardening and growing stuff. She also did a whole lot of other things for us when we were kids, but we were too busy to make notes (sorry Mom). However, we do sincerely appreciate her selfless sacrifices and various lessons of life, like how to use a napkin; to not eat soup with a fork; to say “please” and “thank you”; to call each-and-every-one of her and dad’s friends “Mr. and Mrs.”; and lots more.

She was preceded in death by the father of her four children, Charles Alan McDonald, whom she loved to her dying day, and her beloved family pets, Simon the Siamese cat; Peanut the wiener dog; Sugar the howling dog; Daisy the very-special-extremely-important stray dog; and most notably, Jack her darling mutt who once lost his tail in an unfortunate accident, whereupon Mom saved the tail in the freezer “…just in case…” (go figure).

She leaves behind her sons, Charles Alan “Chuck” (Jan); David Carl (Diane); Robert Edward (Golf); and her daughter Cynthia Lynn Mendenhall (Jerry). She also scurried out on a bunch of grandchildren, Tiffany McDonald; Cody McDonald; Meghan McDonald; Keely McDonald-Bamrick (John); Scott Mendenhall (Hannah); Anthony Mundis (Sarah); Katy Mendenhall-Ying (John); Kinsley Kilgore; and one great grandson called Mason Michael Mendenhall (Cute child. Thief of hearts.).

She left behind a lot of old stuff that her kids don’t know what to do with. Anyone interested in some nicknacks, a bell, some art books, gardening tools, a couch, or old jewelry. Please wait the appropriate amount of time to reach out. Tomorrow should be fine.

The family (hosted)  visitors on Saturday, Dec. 21, from noon to 2 p.m. at St. Jude Catholic Church on Ashland Terrace. A Catholic Mass will follow at 2 p.m., after which the family will gather with friends to share stories and toast a life well lived. Finally, the family asks that in lieu of flowers, please write your congressman and ask for the repeal of Daylight Saving Time. We think Mom would like it if we were all on the Lord’s Time.

* * *

FROM “PETE” AT A MISSISSIPPI RIVER HUNTING CAMP

A blessed friend, Ellis Darby who lives in Mississippi, got an email earlier this week from his buddy Pete, who tends to a hunting camp just off the banks of “The River.” What makes it special is that folks like Pete understand things better than most. It also didn’t hurt that Ellis had just watched a delusional leftist reporter, Margaret Brennan, on “Face The Nation,” as she publicly pined over “the sad assassination” of a terrorist general in Iran whose life’s ambition was to savagely murder innocent people. Brennan cannot seem to fathom why many millions of Americans no longer watch her show but maybe Pete’s email can help her to better understand.

- - -

“When I joined the United States Marine Corps while Iran held 52 Americans hostage all those years ago, something was very different. We still stood together against our enemies. We as American citizens were not so utterly and terribly divided!!! We still loved each other. We still cared about our neighbors, our friends, our families. We didn't always agree but we had the same enemies. We cared about those people stripped of their dignity, overwhelmed by mobs of screaming foreigners, terrified and paraded in the streets in blindfolds, not knowing what to expect.

“Now as I sit here, still alive and much older and counting my days left in this world, and as I go about my days in my community and listen to my family, my neighbors and friends, I read the comments on social media and watch the news reports, I see an extremely divided people .. my fellow countrymen and women ... even children, my people...

“We don't have a common cause at all. We have no common goals, little to be proud of anymore. Rather, we are at each other’s throats. Out to get each other. Prove each other wrong. Break each other down. Hold ourselves above our neighbors that have done nothing to deserve such. Making enemies of our own for the most trivial of things. Even our own family members. And for what exactly? To satisfy some primal selfish superiority urge that serves no good purpose at all other than to feed the notion in some bizarre way, of survival of the fittest?

“Fittest at what?!

“Or what exactly? No one can answer that question! It's terrible. It breaks my heart. It stomps and grinds on everything that ever made me proud to be an American. To be a US Marine. To be a human! Everything I ever believed in and strived to achieve or desired to acquire.

“Our enemies are not divided. They have a single purpose. Our enemies, like Iran, a country and people and ideology that has made it utterly clear how they feel about America ever since I became man enough to serve my country and longer, can clearly see what we have become ... and we can't. We can't ... Why? I encourage all who read my words to think hard and long. I encourage you to search your souls deeply and ask yourselves what you are doing to make this country, this world, a better place.

“We are all gonna die and we ain't taking a damn thing with us but our souls. God Almighty, I pray for Your forgiveness and mercy..."

- - -

Ellis ended his note that accompanied Pete’s letter: “And to the several of you who have served America in the armed service to our great nation, I say again: "Thank You." I say God Bless America, God bless you, and please God, bless our children's future.

The Saturday Funnies endorses Pete’s letter, and a lifelong friendship with Mr. Darby.

* * *

THE LARGEST OPEN-AIR INSANE ASYLUM IN THE WORLD

It has now reached the point California's Nancy Pelosi is so absurd it is funny. Conservatives and liberals alike should read this abstract purportedly from the Los Angeles Times:

Again, this is only one state ... If this doesn't open your eyes, nothing will!

1.   40% of all workers in Los Angeles County (10.2 million people) are working for cash; and not paying taxes This is because they are predominantly illegal immigrants, working without a green card.  (Donald Trump was right.)

2.   95% of warrants for murder in Los Angeles are for illegal aliens.

3.   75% of people on ‘The Most Wanted’ list in Los Angeles are illegal aliens.

4.   Over 2/3 of all births in Los Angeles County are to illegal alien Mexicans on Medi-Cal insurance -- the births were paid for by taxpayers.

5.   Nearly 35% of all inmates in California detention centers are Mexican nationals; they are here illegally.

6.   Over 300,000 illegal aliens in Los Angeles County are living in garages.

7. The FBI reports half of all gang members in Los Angeles are most likely illegal aliens from south of the border.

8.  Nearly 60% of all occupants of HUD properties are illegal.

9. 21 radio stations in LA are Spanish-speaking.

10.  In LA County, 5.1 million people speak English; 3.9 million, speak Spanish.  (There are 10.2 million people, in LA County.)

* -- All 10 of the above facts were published in the Los Angeles Times. Less than 2% of illegal aliens are picking our crops, but 29% are on welfare.

* -- Over 70% of the United States' annual population growth, (and over 90% of California, Florida, and New York), result from immigration.

* -- Also, 29% of inmates in federal prisons are illegal aliens.

We are fools for letting this continue. 

How can you help? Send copies of this letter, to at least two other people. To 100, would be even better.

California is only one state... If this doesn't open your eyes nothing will, and you wonder why Nancy Pilosi wants them to become voters!

And what is a ‘Windfall Tax’ on Retirement Income? Adding a tax to your retirement is simply another way of saying to the American people "you're so darn stupid that we're going to keep doing this until we drain every cent from you." Nancy Pelosi wants a Windfall Tax on Retirement Income.  In other words, tax what you have made by investing toward your retirement.  This woman is a nut case!  You aren't going to believe this.

Nancy Pelosi wants to put a Windfall Tax on all stock market profits (including Retirement fund, 401K and Mutual Funds)!

Alas, it is true - all to help the 12 Million (only 12 million?) Illegal Immigrants and other unemployed minorities. This is not who we are.

This woman is frightening. She quotes, “We need to work toward the goal of equalizing income, (didn't Marx say something like this?) in our country; and at the same time limiting the amount the rich can invest.”

When asked how these new tax dollars would be spent, she replied: "We need to raise the standard of living of our poor, unemployed and minorities.  For example, we have an estimated 12 million illegal immigrants in our country who need our help along with millions of unemployed minorities. Stock market windfall profits taxes   could go a long way to guarantee these people the standard of living they would like to have as Americans.”

(Read that quote again and again and let it sink in.)  'Lower your retirement; give it to others who have not worked, as you have' for your money. How does that work for any Democrat or Republican or independent, much less any liberal or conservative who professes to love our county?

* * *

DID YOU EVER WONDER WHAT RELIGION YOUR BRA MIGHT BE?

A man walked into the ladies department and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, “'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '

' What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquired the man, 'There's more than one type?'

' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.'

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied: 'There are the Catholic, Salvation Army, Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.

‘Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple.'

The Catholic type supports the masses;

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;

The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.

Oh and have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD , E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs.

{B} Barely there.

{C} Can't Complain.

{D} Dang!

{DD} Double dang!

{E} Enormous!

{F} Fake.

{G} Get a reduction.

{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!

Oh ...They forgot the German bra:

Holtzemfromfloppen!!

* * *

GRANDMOTHERS ARE A SPECIAL KIND OF SMART

I was out walking with my grandson. He picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in his mouth. I took the item away from him and I asked him not to do that. "Why?" my grandson asked. "Because it’s been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs.

“Sometimes germs make little boys sick and not feel good" I replied. At this point, my grandson looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart." I was thinking quickly and said to him, "All Grandmas know stuff. It's on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but he was evidently pondering this new information. "Oh...I get it!” he beamed, “so if you don't pass the test you have to be the Grandpa."

"Exactly," I replied with a big smile on my face.

* * *

THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEO

In this tape you will see a carload of gangsters attempting to carjack an automobile when the driver sounds the car’s horn. Unlike most car horns, his vehicle has been altered so that a blast on the horn doesn’t honk but instead sounds like a machine gun that is being fired. The hoodlums’ dance is absolutely marvelous and I, for one, wish the Chattanooga Police Department would install such magic on some squad cars. To watch, CLICK HERE.

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royexum@aol.com++


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