Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, October 17, 2020 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

So the riddler comes to the Saturday Funnies and offers this brain-twister: “What disappears the very second you mention its name?” Oh, my mercy, in the time of political angst I can think of a million wrong answers with a lot of laughter surrounding each, but the truth is that this one’s been around for generations, and has stumped many.

But as you search your mind, this is a great chance to explain that we do not actually write The Saturday Funnies. Every week we get gallons of funny stories and jokes through our emails and all we try to accomplish is to pass the best ones along. We think every weekend should include a lighter side, where you need to share a giggle, so we love to share in that.

So, the answer to this week’s riddle is “silence.” With anyone’s first word, silence is no more.

It goes ‘poof’ at the very break of a sound. Imagine what would happen if we tried to keep it in these boisterous days ahead?

We open the Funnies with a man who, regretfully, senses the stronger allure of silence as we grow older … Here we go:

* * *

… LET’S LEAVE NOTHING FOR ‘LATER’

… Barely the day started and

... it's already six in the evening.

… Barely arrived on Monday and it's already Friday.

... and the month is already over.

... and the year is almost over.

... and already 40, 50 or 60 years of our lives have passed.

... and we realize that we lost our parents, friends.

… and we realize it's too late to go back

...So

... Let's try, despite everything, to enjoy the remaining time

… Let's keep looking for activities that we like

... Let's put some color in our grey

… Let's smile at the little things in life that put balm in our hearts. And despite everything, we must continue to enjoy with serenity this time we have left.

… Let's try to eliminate the afters...

I'm doing it after...

I'll say after...

I'll think about it after...

We leave everything for later like '' after '' is ours.

Because what we don't understand is that:

Afterwards, the coffee gets cold...

Afterwards, priorities change...

Afterwards, the charm is broken...

Afterwards, health passes...

Afterwards, the kids grow up...

Afterwards parents get old...

Afterwards, promises are forgotten...

Afterwards, the day becomes the night...

Afterwards life ends...

And then it's often too late...

So... Let's leave nothing for later...

Because still waiting see you later, we can lose the best moments,

the best experiences,

best friends,

the best family...

The day is today... The moment is now...

We are no longer at the age where we can afford to postpone what needs to be done right away.

So, let's see if you have time to read this message and then share it.

Or maybe you'll leave it for... '' later "...

And you'll never share it....

* * *

REMEMBER, FEW CAN OUTSMART A GENIE

One day a man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone, so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.

The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one."

The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to visit Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me seasick. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a minute and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved: the pilings needed to hold up the highway, how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "Well, there is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand my girlfriend. What makes her laugh and cry, why is she temperamental, why is she so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes her tick?"

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes … or four?"

* * *

EVERYTHING IS BIGGER IN TEXAS

A guy was going to Texas and when he went on the train, he said, "Oh my goodness, Texas chairs are really big."

He went to a bar he asked for a beer and when the bartender gave him the mug of beer the guy said, "Wooww, Texas mugs are really big."

Later he asked the bartender where was the bathroom and the bartender said, "Straight down, and to your right."

But the guy went down and to his left. When he entered the room he slipped on the wet floor and tumbled head over heels into a swimming pool. He popped to the water’s surface and hollered, “Don't flush!! Don't flush!!!"

* * *

AND THAT’S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started ...

- - -

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes," she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.  I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My gosh!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And that's how the fight started.....

- - -

When our lawnmower wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But somehow I always had something else to take care of first. Always something more important. Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

And that's how the fight started.....

- - -

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And that's how the fight started.....

- - -

Saturday morning, I got up early, quietly dressed, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I put my golf clubs into the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back; and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of five years replied, "And can you believe my stupid husband is playing golf in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

- - -

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about three seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And that's how the fight started...

- - -

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.  I really need you to pay me a compliment."

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn-near perfect."

And that's how the fight started...

- - -

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a really bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf!

He looked up at me and said, "I am not Happy!"

So, I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

And that's how the fight started...

- - -

The doctors say I will walk again, but I’ll always have a limp.

* * *

HERE ARE SOME CHOICE ONE-LINERS

* -- A redneck hollered to a blonde in a boat across the river:  "Help!  I need to get to the other side of the river!" She promptly replied: "You ARE on the other side of the river!"

* -- I woke up last night and found a thief rummaging through the house looking for money. I got out of bed and went to help him.

* -- You know how to keep a dimwit in suspense? I'll tell you the next time I see you!

* -- Just now read about a famous stunt rider from the middle ages. "Medieval Knievel."

* -- The divorce rate for socks is 100 percent.

* -- Rewriting history?  One guy claims the awful Irish potato famine happened … as soon as they learned how to make vodka.

* -- If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, then my illegal logging is successful.

* -- Chubby blonde, crying, panting, sweating ... "I hate you!  I despise you!  I never want to see you again!" Personal trainer:  Oh, stop that!  You just did a sit-up -- one sit-up!

* * *

HERE’S WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN

1) NUDITY -- I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS -- On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

3) KETCHUP -- A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle, the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

4) MORE NUDITY -- A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

5) POLICE # 1 -- While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help, I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

6) POLICE # 2 -- It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally, he said, "What'd he do?"

7) ELDERLY -- While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers, and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

8) DRESS-UP -- A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH -- While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL -- A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE -- A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

* * *

THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS

* -- In one of the great ad-lib comedy scenes of all time, here is the late Robin Williams offering his condolences with Carol Burnette in “The Funeral.” CLICK HERE.

* - My favorite piano solo of all time is Ed Sheeran of The Piano Guys when he absolutely masters “Can’t Help Falling in Love With You.” Unbelievable. Don’t tell me what hours of practice can’t do! Oh, and thus far: 26,441,040 views CLICK HERE.

* -- One more with The Piano Guys: They created a video based on “This is Your Fight Song (Rachel Platten Scottish Cover). It was filmed in Scotland at a castle, with Amazing Grace as its anchor. Oh, and thus far: 40,624,569 views. CLICK HERE.

* -- In the 1990 Broadway play “Jekyll & Hyde,” there was borne one of the most inspirational, encouraging songs I have ever heard. “This is The Moment” is a promise I will always carry in my heart. Please listen to the words in the play from Act 1, Scene 6a from ‘Jekyll & Hyde.’ CLICK HERE.

* -- The great actor Denzel Washington has a suggestion for every one of us as we near the November 3rd election. CLICK HERE.

royexum@aol.com


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