Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, February 29, 2020 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

At a recent self-help workshop for adult trauma victims, the main group was split into teams of eight for lunch. Each table was assigned a question, “What was your worst moment in your comeback?” At our table, everyone laughed about each other’s life-changing event but a beautiful girl, who had been a surgeon before a rare eye disease quickly took her sight, was dazzling. Currently, she is taking her board certification to be a psychiatrist and with a sparkling future ahead, hers was easily the best answer of all: “There is nothing that equals the line in Braille that says: ‘Warning: Extreme shock is possible if you touch this!”

Welcome to the last edition of the Saturday Funnies in February and, while it took an extra day in this Leap Year before we greet March tomorrow, we think you’ll find it was worth it with this collection.

Kindly remember we do not author The Saturday Funnies, but gather some of the funny stuff that comes in our emails every day and try to pass along the best. We welcome submissions at royexum@aol.com and ask that they be appropriate for our younger readers.

Here is the best for this February’s extra day:

* * *

THIS WEEK’S BEST LOVE STORY

A wife and husband are sitting together sipping wine and watching a movie.

The wife suddenly whispers: "I Love You..."

Husband: "Is that you or the wine talking?"

Wife: "It's me talking to the wine."

* * *

“ANYTHING YOU WANT TO EAT IN UNDER AN HOUR!”

An exclusive restaurant in New York City advertised that they could provide any meal that anyone requested within an hour.

Anything. Any time.

So, a wise guy went in and asked for an elephant ear sandwich. The waiter took his order, smiled, and disappeared.

For quite some time.

Finally, the waiter returned and expressed his regrets: "Our chef refuses to kill an elephant for just one sandwich!"

* * *

AN AFRICAN MISSIONARY’S PECULIAR SANDWICH

I heard a lady missionary (from Africa, of course) tell about eating elephant trunk sandwiches.

She said it was sliced thin, like baloney. Sliced crosswise of the trunk, naturally, just like baloney.

She said the flavor wasn't bad.

The only part that was sort of disconcerting were those two holes through the middle ...

(I have since learned the holes are ideal for holding two brussels sprouts. Yum.)

* * *

YES, YOU CAN GET MARRIED IN HEAVEN

A man spent all his life alone, finding no love. At age 96, he dies and goes to heaven.

At the same time, a woman spent all her life alone, finding no love. At age 102, she dies and goes to heaven.

As chance has it, they both meet at the heavenly library, discovering they both have a deep love for books, they start talking and amazingly enough, after a lifetime of unhappiness, fall in love.

They walk up to God and ask to be married. "Give me some time," Says God, "and I’ll get back to you. This is quite extraordinary."

Four years pass, and after the couple waited patiently, God finally tells the man and woman that he can have them married.

A few centuries pass and the man and woman fall out of love. They approach God once more and this time they ask, sadly, for a divorce.

God responds: “It took me four years to find a priest in this place. How long do you think it’ll take me to find a lawyer?!”

* * *

A STATISTICAL IMPOSSIBILITY IN CHINA

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

I saw through that one when I was a youngster. 60+ years ago, Ripley said it would be true if they walked 4 or 5 abreast, let alone single file.

Now, think about that one … if they're all marching so neatly, single file or in ranks and files, there just ain't gonna be any reproduction!

* * *

THE JEWISH AIRPLANE PILOT AND HIS CHINESE CO-PILOT

The Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese..'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There are a few minutes of silence. 'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

“Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg … no mattah … all same … “

* * *

MAKING SURE SHE’S THE ONE FOR HIM

An important politician was seen moving around with a film actress for a couple of months, with whom he finally decided to plunge into matrimony. But being cautious, he hired a private detective for the job of looking into her past and finding out if she had any previous affairs with any men.

After a few days, the politician at last received his detective's report, which went like this: “Sir, this lady has a spotless reputation. Her past is clear, her family and friends all come from a very respectable background. No one has anything against her character …

“But yet, according to my sources, for the last couple of months she's been frequently seen flirting with a politician with a dubious reputation and please be advised to move forward with utmost caution.”

* * *

THIS WEEK’S VIDEO

Elvis Presley died on August 16, 1977, at the age of 42, whilst in the bathroom at Graceland. He was found unconscious on the floor and rushed to hospital where he was officially declared to be dead at 3:30 p.m. by his personal physician, Dr. George Nichopoulos. About this time, a beautiful gospel song was released, “With These Hands,” and because of the voice it was widely believed that this was “The King’s” last song. In the years that followed, it was found that that the song was actually written and performed by Carroll Roberson, a singer and evangelist for Ripley, Miss., which is about 50 miles northeast of Elvis’ birthplace, Tupelo. To hear Carroll sing the song, you’ll immediately understand why his voice was mistaken for Elvis. CLICK HERE.

royexum@aol.com


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