Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, April 11, 2020 - by Roy Exum

Easter has been very sacred and very special to me since the very get-go. When my brothers and I were quite young – this before my two sisters were born -- my Dad got up before dawn and took all the eggs we had dyed the day before and hid them in the dark. When we boys got up, we literally shook with anticipation to fly from the front door to see who could find the most.

When Dad finally opened the door, we found every dog in the neighborhood looking at us with mournful eyes; they had found each egg and had the most luscious breakfast ever.

I remember we cried and Dad threw rocks at the scrambling hounds, but afterwards we always laughed about the most memorable Easter morning we ever had. That is the one Easter that is my most memorable to this day.

The next day, on Monday, when a pack of us rode our bikes to school with the same herd of dogs surrounding us, not a cross word was spoken between any man and beast. That is the grace that was taught to us one Easter and ever since my love for dogs has never wavered. As is written: “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

Now we come to this. Over 100,000 dead, including friends who have each been loved on my life’s path, and others who will die. We must stay strong, resolute, because this will end, but now more than ever before we must guard our actions and our lives. Be vigilant and remember life’s guarantee: This too shall pass.

* * *

PLEASE! DO NOT FAIL! SUNDAY AT 1 P.M.

Italian tenor Andrea Bocelli, the most talented and beloved singer who I can ever remember, will render a free concert on Easter Sunday that will be live-streamed worldwide. YouTube will carry what is promised to be “‘A Strong Message of Hope” in the United States at 1 p.m. (EST) tomorrow. It will be to an audience-free Duomo Cathedral in Milan, Italy, and other than a skeleton TV crew, the only other in the cathedral will be the world-famous organist, Emanuele Vianelli.

You can go to YouTube right now and register for a reminder for tomorrow. Do not miss this.

From Andrea Bocelli: “On the day in which we celebrate the trust in a life that triumphs, I’m honored and happy to answer ‘Sì’ to the invitation of the City and the Duomo of Milan," Bocelli said in a statement of the upcoming performance.

“I believe in the strength of praying together; I believe in the Christian Easter, a universal symbol of rebirth that everyone – whether they are believers or not – truly needs right now," he continued.

"Thanks to music, streamed live, bringing together millions of clasped hands everywhere in the world, we will hug this wounded Earth’s pulsing heart, this wonderful international forge that is reason for Italian pride.

“The generous, courageous, proactive Milan and the whole of Italy will be again, and very soon, a winning model, engine of a renaissance that we all hope for. It will be a joy to witness it, in the Duomo, during the Easter celebration which evokes the mystery of birth and rebirth."

* * *

GOD’S MIRACLE TO A 90-YEAR-OLD BELIEVER

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal.

The doctor says: “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally?”

Larry replies: “I’m at peace with God. He and I are close. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof the light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that's incredible.” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry's wife. “Bonnie”, he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof, the light goes off?”

“Oh Lordy!”, exclaims Bonnie. “He's peeing in the refrigerator again!”

* * *

THE QUARANTINE BLUES

* -- Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

* -- I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

* -- I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

* -- Still haven't decided where to go for Easter … The Living Room or The Bedroom

* -- PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

* -- Homeschooling is going well. Two students suspended for fighting and one teacher fired for drinking on the job.

* -- I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks, we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone

* -- This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog … we laughed a lot.

* -- So, after this quarantine, will the producers of ‘My 600 Pound Life’ just find me or do I find them?

* -- Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

* -- My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

* -- Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

* -- I'm so excited -- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

* -- I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.

* -- Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

* -- Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year"... and I'm offended.

* -- Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under

* * *

IT’S SO BAD, ONE POOR WOMAN HEARD VOICES

I've heard some people are really going crazy from isolation. I'm glad I'm not one of those.

I’ve just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn’t mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant.

The sink just said everything is going down the drain.

In the end the iron calmed me down as she said everything will be fine, the situation isn’t that pressing.

The vacuum was very unsympathetic. Told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and felt it would all soon blow over!

The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and it didn’t say anything, but the doorknob told me to get a grip.

The front door said I was unhinged and then.

The curtains told me to pull myself together!

* * *

ONCE A BLONDE, ALWAYS A BLONDE

A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that TV."

The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes."

So, the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that TV."

Again, the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."

So, she left again and came back with a hat, a fake nose and with her hair dyed black and said: "I want that TV."

But the salesman still said: "sorry, we don't sell to blondes."

Finally, the blonde got fed up and said, "That's it! How do you keep guessing I'm a blonde?!" she asked.

"Because that's a microwave."

* * *

AN EVER-PROUD CANADIAN ARRIVES IN PARIS

An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The Canadian said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible, Canadians always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchman to show it to."

* * *

MISSING THE BIG PICTURE UNDER THE BIG TOP

A circus manager is busy tiding is office when a scrawny little guy walks in the door. He walks over to the manager, and he says, "Are you the boss here?"

The manager says "Yeah. What do you want?"

He says "I'd like to join the circus. I got an act."

The guy says "Oh, yeah? Well, let me see what it is."

So, this little guy goes over to the center pole, and he starts climbing up the pole. And he goes all the way up. He climbs up and up and up. He goes all the way up to the very peak of the big top.

And he looks down, and he takes a deep breath, and he leaps off, and he starts flapping his arms.

And he starts flying! And he flies all around the big top! He goes all the way around the place. He goes around the center pole. He goes loop-de-loop through the trapezes.

Then he gets all the way up, and he takes a nosedive right down to the ground, flapping his arms like mad. And he lands right next to the boss. And he says "Well, what do ya think?"

"That's all you got?” says the boss disdainfully, "Bird imitations?"

* * *

TEN NEW ADDITIONS TO MURPHY’S LAWS

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch, and you'll have to go to the restroom.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal, and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Guy's Variation Rider - If you change queues or traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now. This also works in supermarkets and shops.

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Decree of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. This is also the case if you are female and you have gone out with no makeup and wearing your worst clothes and with greasy hair.

9. Murphy's Office Law - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. This will also happen when you show someone that something on the computer is easy and it doesn't work.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

* * *

THE LAZY PIGS MADE A BIG MISTAKE

God is handing out characteristics to all of the animals, and he's getting close to the end of the list. All the animals have picked except the lions, the beavers, and the pigs. God looks up from the list and says, "Who wants courage?"

One of the pigs says to another, "Ooh, we should get that!" the other one says, "Nah, who wants to be courageous? You have to strut around, humans will start hunting you, it's a huge pain. Let's wait." The lions speak up and take the courage.

"Next up, industrious! Who wants to be known for being industrious?" The pig says, "Hey, we could definitely be that. Make stuff, stay busy, it sounds good!" The other pig says, "Are you crazy? Get up at dawn, work all day, who wants that? I'm sure God saved the best for last."

The beavers pipe up and take industriousness, so God goes back to his list.

"Next up, we have wings, who wants to fly?" The first pig says: "Wow, we've got to get THAT one! We could fly all day?" The second pig says: "Exactly, fly around all day, beat your wings all the time? That sounds exhausting, you'd have to fly for hours beating your wings like mad to stay aloft. No thank you! Let's wait for the really good stuff."

God looks at his list, getting to the end. "Let's see, claws are taken, flight went to the birds, the cheetah got speed...

Okay, here we go. Who wants to be delicious?"

* * *

THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS

A PHENOMENAL SALUTE to our flag and what it represents. CLICK HERE.

YOU CAN TEACH THE KIDS! – Steve Harvey shows a child with an amazing memory. CLICK HERE.

THE IMMORTAL PAUL HARVEY and “The Birds”. CLICK HERE.

Il DIVO: Amazing Grace as you have never heard it. CLICK HERE.

royexum@aol.com


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