Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Friday, July 30, 2021 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

We were gifted with some great jokes on engineers this week and in case you ever wonder what is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers, please know that mechanical engineers build weapons while civil engineers build targets!

Welcome to this week’s edition of The Saturday Funnies was our eyes turned towards August. We tried to make the quiz a little simpler this week, so when the students return to school in the short days to come they’ll have a sense of achievement in their march.

Please be reminded; we do not write the funnies but gather them during the week from emails and Internet dispatches. If you have jokes you want to share, please know we would love to pass them along to our readers.

We’ll start with this week’s quiz …

* * *

THIS WEEK’S QUIZ

1. Brazil is the biggest producer of? a) rice; b) oil; c) coffee
2. The core ingredient in a savory recipe is … a) salt; b) butter; c) sugar.
3. How many colors in the Rainbow? a) One; b) five; c) seven
4. Which religion believes in One God and Last Prophet Muhammad (PBUH)? a) Islam; b) Hinduism; c) Buddhism
5. What does independence mean? a) Permission; b) Freedom c) Goodwill
6. Ancient Egyptian Houses were built of what? a) Mud; b) Wood; c) Brick
7. Which is the most common drink in Europe? a) Water; b) Beer; c) Wine
8. Which two colors mix to form pink? a) grey and red; b) white and orange; c) white and red
9. What is the capital city of India? a) Mumbai; b) New Delhi; c) Calcutta
10. Which is the closest planet to earth? a) Mars; b) Jupiter; c) Saturn

* * *

THIS WEEK’S RIDDLE

There was a green house. Inside the green house there was a white house. Inside the white house there was a red house. Inside the red house there were lots of babies. What am I?

* * *

THIS WEEK’S JOKES
HOW TO HANDLE DISCIPLINE IN SCHOOLS

A schoolteacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of school, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that year.

* * *

NEVER HAVE DRINKS WITH SUPERMAN

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building … by the time you fall to the tenth floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen."

1st Man: "No it’s true let me prove it to you."

So, he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below.

When he passes the tenth floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the tenth-floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one-time fluke."

1st Man: "No, I’ll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the tenth-floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I’ll try it." he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the eleventh, tenth, ninth, eighth floors... and hits the sidewalk with a ‘splat.’

Back upstairs the bartender says: "You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk."

* * *

“I HOPE YOU WILL GET BETTER”

A retired lady needed some extra cash, so she got a guitar and took some lessons.

Then she learned some of her generation’s favorite oldies.

Then she got herself hired by a nursing home to sing for patients by their bedsides.

After serenading one bedridden older lady, she got up to leave and said, “I hope you get better soon.”

The patient replied, “I hope you get better too.”

* * *

BEST ENGINEERING JOKE NO. 1

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty-one feet, six inches," and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed. "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!" (Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving as elected members of Congress.)

- - -

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS NO. 2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

- - - 

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS NO. 3

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?”

* * *

THIS WEEK’S ANSWERS

Quiz Answers: 1 Coffee 2. Salt. 3. Seven; 4. Islam; 5. Goodwill; 6. Wood; 7. Beer; 8. White and Red; 9. New Delhi; 10. Jupiter.
Riddle Answer: This is a watermelon.

* * *

THIS WEEK’S TOP VIDEOS

* -- Candid Camera Classic: Character Witness CLICK HERE.

* -- “Why 2% Succeed and 98% Don’t” CLICK HERE.

* -- Barbra Streisand with Hugh Jackman - Any Moment Now CLICK HERE.

* -- The Best Quotes from Augustus McCrae (Lonesome Dove) CLICK HERE.

* -- The Power Of Lions Attitude - A Powerful Motivational Speech. CLICK HERE.

* -- Native American Proverbs that will touch your soul. CLICK HERE.

royexum@aol.com



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